Ghungroo - The Bells

Finished watching "Confession of a Superhero" I have been planning to watch it since months but there was hardly any time. Now since I don't have a job, so I had time to watch it.

It was happy, sad, annoying thought and what not....

We all make our ends meet because we are survivors...it just hurt when some dreams dont get fulfilled and some get lost in the air...

To all those dreams which brought me to this country, and to all those dreams which bring many to LA....cheers!!!

Hope all dreams find their destinations...Amen!!!

Vee

Year 2009 is almost over...wait yet not over, but almost there...

How was your 2009?

Did you do something you love doing?

Did you do something which you hated?

Please do leave a mark, do share...

VJ

My few friends say they love my never die attitude and they adore my positivity...and I say what option do I have...

haa haa.......

lol

awww just a random moment....

I just came back home after watching Precious. This movie made me cry. I was literally shredding tears sitting in the theater. I felt deep down sad and shaken up. My mission has got more stronger, and my emotions have got more shaped. I work with these kids, kids like precious. This movie made me realize that my little efforts don't go to waste in fact they help someone...and in return I get the help some where, somehow. Today my mission and my passion found new strengths. I hope I get the chance to work more and bring more options and resources for girls like precious. Amen!

I was reading 'some' papers today and read September 10, 2003. I read it occasionally and I felt the feeling as if I am gonna faint - not because it was an important date for me at one point but because I suddenly realized its been so many years when that date first happened to me or to us...

Actually, if I look back or just try to look back, I think that day was magical. I was happy and I was sad.....and some where I was assured it is not the right thing to do, and some where that was the most perfect thing I ever did.

I don't regret that day or whatever happened that day, I can't regret it ever....nope never. It was beautiful at times...and....!!!

I was/am just not comfortable that I let my mind listen to others......period.


Vee

Just Saw Dangerous Beauty. I wont say that I loved this movie more than Pretty Woman or Gia or Blood Diamond or some similar movies like those...but it had something in it, something which pulled my attention, something which made me feet proud and something which is my faith for years.

Being a woman is NOT a curse, neither it is something dangerous or something one should just lust for...it is just being the being on this earth...

I would never want to be born as a man, I am happy being a woman and rather stay a woman...now and forever.

P.S. I don't even believe in re-birth and all that crap, but what ever and how ever it is, it just is.

VJ

"Welcome to Hollywood - Everyone comes here to fulfill their dreams, some dreams come true, some not...Just don't stop dreaming!"

P.S. Just saw Pretty woman, don't remember watching it ever. Loved Julia Roberts as always and Richard Gere...he is a gem of an actor.

P.P.S The freakishness of movies is never gonna go down...

If...if I have to end up my life right now, right here...I would defiantly say - IT WAS WORTH IT!!!!

Just saw GIA...been wanting to watch this movie since I was with HIM....got the chance to watch it today....alone, in my bed....tears and smiles were the smallest thoughts on the way to the end of this fairy tale of a true beautiful mind and irresistible body.

VJ


P.S. Because life is worth it and worth living, I wouldn't wanna end it ever...EVER!!!

HE is sitting in front of me, and I'm not in love with HIM, nope not anymore. I don't feel like holding HIM anymore. I don't feel like touching his mind or body or even his heart anymore. I am feeling much more content and peaceful. I am getting flashes of HIM hitting me more than flashes of HIM loving me, hugging me, kissing me and caring for me. Hard to believe but I HAVE come to the point where I don't fcuking give a shi*t about HIM or his presence around me, anymore.

Love does go out of window, when ISSUES take place in life. What a big ass truth and we all do have to accept this truth with time.

Life DOES move on.........and I'm happy about it.

Few days ago, I found an email in my inbox from birthday alarms stating 'its your 6th wedding anniversary, congratulations form everyone at birthday alarms dot com'

Can life be more funnier than this? I guess its irony of life, isn't it? Its been almost two years we have separated, and now they remember to wish me for my broken marriage...oh life, I love you...

Anyways, new flowers are blooming and life is on roll.


VJ

Yesterday, I saw 'Funny People' Oh, what a movie, it satisfied me inside out. I felt the feeling on being high for hours after wards (well I don't actually know what is it means to be high, but I guess feeling satisfied and not around your current surroundings is high for me). I think the reason of that effect on me was simply because the acting, the direction, the writing and most of its creative work started as improvisation from the lives of those, who live these character on normal life level. I was impressed. May be because I come from similar kind of background or may be because it was just truthfully shot movie...It had a slow pace, but still it felt as if it was moving, not a stand still.

The movie 'Away We Go' which I saw it sometime back, was more of a slow pace movie. Although I loved its story, it seemed too much for a movie. The details were unlimited and the story was heavy....so I think it needed a fast pace but director made it damn slow...my guy friend, who took me out for the movie said that it was true life story and very relative. Hmm yes, I thing it surely was, but too much truth of life in a movie doesn't actually work for me unless it is shot well. And that movie died on the box office. I still would love to read that book, but will never watch that movie again.

On the other hand when I saw 'Hangover' I cracked up as much as I could...cos it was story from life, but in a bit dramatic way and very well directed movie. I enjoyed it; it was a way away from hectic life. My friend who I went out to watch this movie with, went to Vegas with his girl friend after watching that movie. So, I guess it was worth it...ha ha! Simply loved how the movie sounds ridiculous but it is actually not that annoying as it may sound like.

On the serious note when I saw 'Blood Diamond' I felt so empathic and my eyes were wet every time I watched it, even after watching it over and over again. The urge to visit Africa and to work with lovely African people just started boiling inside me. The art work in the movie was awesome and direction was just superb. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I know that the script writer might have added some new moments in it, or the director cheated on some frames, but even after all that...this movie left a big impact on my mind and my heart. Kudos to those, who worked for Blood Diamond.

Well....I have tons of movies to write about but that later cos its 2.44 am and I should simply stop writing about movies and watch my next movie before the heart ache start again. Oh yeah, I feel heart ache now-a-days if I don't watch one or more movie a day. Didn't I tell ya I have a movie-fever :-)

Well... Oh well....

Oh.....Oh...Oh well.....

Okay fine...I have a confession to make: I am getting crazy about movies once again in my life. I am happy about it, it makes me feel great. I have seen almost every new movie which is out and have been enjoying watching one or another on either netflix or from my old movie collection or from my roomie's collection. She is a movie buff too, and owns a pretty good collection. Truthfully right at this moment also I am watching a movie while I type my thoughts into a post on my blog. I used to read a lot but for some reason, I can't concentrate for long on reading now-a-days so watching movies makes me feel better than reading. Though reading a book has its own feeling and watching a movie has its own emotion and we can't replace one with another, but we can enjoy watching movie instead of reading or vice verse. Soon you will realize, both gives the same effect. How? With each new documentary I watch, I travel to new culture, new thought process and new life; with each classic feature I have seen, I see the different lifestyle and different emotion change of humanity; with each musical, I enjoy the new rhythm and new dance move...and so on and on and on! I remember that one quote which my father used to tell me all the time 'read a book to see the world' now-a-days it is more like 'watch a movie to know the world' Or at least this is how it works for moi :-P

More is on its way... that would be related to my expression (not reviews) of movies....

Keep hanging!

I was burnt in my agony,
when I left you Maa
You saw me standing...helpless
and I looked over your agony,
Just to let go of me,
...in the ocean of world
to be the one I am.

You were missed, always
and........now

....
You are always with me
You were always in me.
......
Life just happened to us!


Vim

Oh!!! I want to fall (litrally) in love all over again. I want to shape the heart and make the decisions for my love, once again. How beautiful it would be, just to love and nothing else. I want it, I want it, I want it!

I wanna fall for myself, I want to love myself all over again.I want myself back to living once again and over and over again!!!

Either I am too sensitive or people are losing the sensitivity or probably I am too old now and I should stop doing childish (????) things. Well, today at midnight my friends birthday started and I with another friend of mine went to her place at mid night with cake and lots of happiness....and.........

Just bitter taste in the mouth now. I wish I could say that she didn't like me coming over, but that's not true either. She didn't mind us over and that's what she showed us but what with insulting language? What with not eating cake and putting down words....anyways, let it be Vim...it hurts to see your own friends do so....


Anyways Happy birthday dost!

Have you ever seen anyone living their life twice? Nope? Well I see her every day, every single day in me. I lived a life of teenage, a young woman and now I am living a life of teenage once again and soon I will get the chance to live a life of woman. The difference between both timing is that first time it was in India and now, second time it is in the US. The best similarity is not just me in both lives but also the rebel nature of my own self. I am enjoying it and truthfully parallel regretting it too...but there is always something or other to learn and to grow old with. As I mentioned once in one of the old post - I am collector of happiness, memories and emotions from real life of self.

Rest later...oh yeah one quick thing....I started donating blood again. Today was my first day of donation. I started donating blood in my late teens and then stopped for obvious reason...and here I go again!!!

Hugs to self
Vim

I am struggling to write thousands of thoughts, but I stop myself. Musing satisfies me, but I stop myself. I want to say many words, many feelings, many thoughts to my dear friends, to those people I care for but I stop myself....just because I don’t want to offend someone and just because I know words leave hard, long lasting impression than our ignorance can. I do love many of my friends, I seriously care for them and will do whatever I can depending on the moment and situation...but I am NOT what all of the world always think I am...I am a person who has the right to change, I am a human who can be indifferent, and also a female who needs what she needs, simple.

Friends, I don’t want you to bear with me, if you don’t want to and same way I shouldn’t have to, too…

"Friend" I know something is bothering you, I am there if you want to talk about it and if you need a shoulder, but I am not going to be there when you insult me and when you behave rude to me because something else or someone else is bothering you...I am sorry...I wish I could say this on your face.

"Friend" I am happy for you to find a love of your life, but can I say that I am worried for you, as he seems a bit off beat? Sorry I can’t say it on your face....accept me as it is, please....

“Friend” I like hanging out with you, but sometimes you bore me. I don’t like people who are boring....can we stop hanging out for a while, so we can value each other more?

“Friend” you are awesome, I love your energy but I don’t like you freaking out and sending me crazy messages in response of my fun messages, or taking my messages as snappy thoughts for yourself...can I please ignore you for a while? Please...

“Friend” I know you have been busy for long time, but is it okay we go out for a coffee and just talk for sometime about the shits of life? Can you please take time off for me, please....few minutes? I know something is there which is bothering both of us, can we get over it and meet? Please...

“Friend” I am a girl. I like listening to flowery words and sweet appreciations when I ask how am I looking or if I look good in this new dress….I know you are a guy of direct talks, but can you please once in a while make me happy by saying some praises to me?

"Friend" I know we all girls are same way at the end and you guys are pretty similar kind of, but I am not looking for anything in you, beyond what we have today...can we please live in today instead of being worried with what will happen with our relationship in future? please dear...

and many messages, I want to post on to your pages my friends, say it on your faces my friedns. I wish I could, but if I say these, can we still be friends?

I love my every single friend. You all are my emotional support of life. You are my strength and you are the one....who I care for, more than my parents!!!!

Hugs, love, kisses, and much more....friendship is all I have....!!!

Thank you for being there for me...and my weaknesses.


Vim



***This post do not belong to any specific friend and belongs to all humans, who are friends to someone, somewhere, somehow!!!!***

I don't know what is going on, but something is going on, for sure, deep inside me. I sit in front of my laptop, try to type words, I am sometimes able to type few...they do look like words, but make hardly any sense in a form of sentence. I try to create new letters with new alphabets but they seem strange. I think its about time that I put my thoughts in to words, before they burst my head. I need to work on it and let go this feeling of 'let it go' from inside me.

I am trying, again, to live; to feel; to find; and to touch my own self. It seems just too hard to accept the numbness, the shock, of finishing an old life to the new unknown world of my own.

Vim
2009
Two weeks after the numbness first hit me....

Some ghungroo (bells) make beautiful noises, some ghungroo don't make noise, hence have no voice at all, and some other ghungroo have noise and voice, but no choice...they often are part of decoration on purses, key chains and other materialistic things...

We humans are exact same way...some are too noisy, who speak either a lot or they make noises by their expressions,observations and creativity. Some humans have voices but they don't use them, and live life quietly...holding every thought, every emotion inside, few of them are at peace and few are depressed. Some other humans are always around you and me, they have voices, and noises but no choices...they have thoughts but no one appreciate them for having thoughts and they are just piece of decorations. These humans are called wives, daughters, mothers and daughter-in-laws...

Vim

So here it goes...I rejected a guy, for whatever reason it may be, he felt insulted, and he rejected me in his own little way (though I felt sorry for him at that point more than feeling rejected...) Before he rejects me, a friend came in between and tried to clear the confusion and mis-communication. He lashes back on to the friend and said words which doesn't make much sense, but here is the reply to him, if he is reading...he will leave a comment.


cjb - Do you know why I married my husband? Because, he was able to break the norms and live a life on his own in India. Now whatever the reason he had to leave the US and go to India to live was,to hell with that, important is, he lived a life on HIS OWN. Yes buddy, my ex-husband actually lived a life on his own, making money on his own, without knowing the language of the country, or of the state he was living in, and he lived successfully 4+ years there...on his own. Truthfully, if anyone knows India, then that person knows it well that making average money in India is what is known as the successful living. The struggle is way too much and we don't have as many chances and options as you Americans...


For your kind information, English is my 3rd language NOT 50th, but lets see how many language You can speak? Spanish and English only? Well, every second person in LA speak these two languages...and...???????? Oh well.....

I can JUST hope that you can see and understand the world beyond US the A....

Vim

Vim - I want to cry today.

~V - Go for it Vim, cry...open your heart and let it happen....

Vim - I think it was a wastage of my time, my energy and my resources.

~V - You are right, but mind it...Vim, you are strong. Letting go isn't that easy.

Vim - Did I really let him go?

~V - Yeah baby, you did...

Vim - Oh cool. I am not expected to be nice to him anymore, right?

~V - Yupp, no responsibility.

Vim - But I liked him a lot.

~V - Its alright, he didn't....or may be he did, even if he did don't care about it anymore cos this care does matters in your life dear.

Vim - Yeah, you are right V

~V - Chalo whatever happens, happens for a reason, or for a season.

Vim - he sent me an email...I shredded a tear...

~V - good, you need to let go more....

Vim - I'm trying....damn, I can't even try any longer.

and the conversation carry on...and on and on....

Nah!!! its not about one girl friend, its one of the issues I am facing with being around girls...aagggrrhhh!!!

Before I start on to any other issues, let me give you all (whoever) one advice: NEVER EVER GET PLAN TO GET DRUNK WITH A GIRL FRIEND WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT UP...okay I was told that my pre-birthday party is getting planned...I was excited as usual. I was getting attention and then finally a plan according to my week...yippee but hey, no one RSVPd and we were left with two girls at the end, one who was organizing and another me, your truly - the birthday girl...

Anyways, we went to get Beer and wine from store, where really hot sexy guys tried to hit on us and kind of asked us out to drink with them...we ignored so cutely that I almost felt proud on self and my girl friend...Finally, we decided on beer and wine and gave funky look to those guys and bought our stuff. We reached home, and got the call that this girl friend's close friend (who could have been a boy friend at one point) is going to join us for a beer or two..."awesome", I said and she made a nasty face..."well, he introduced you to me, so I guess it is alright", I said. She didn't say anything...He came, we had beer and he left after listening to long talks and arguments of putting him down....I was speechless. It was my place, my pre-birthday party, and guess my friends too...

After he left, that nasty look turned in to a crying baby look. Here she goes...I thought and I wasn't wrong. She finished the whole wine bottle in few minutes and b the time I could think of anything,she was cursing and cussing this friend of mine, for choosing a girl who is from his choice...yukk..."shut up", I thought...but she didn't. Two hours of drinking went to shit...cos it was brought back to un-buzzed feeling followed by lectures,which I heard many times, and also moments which are not different from last time's expressions...great!! here goes my pre-birthday drinking night!

I cant sleep, actually I am refusing to sleep...I have no idea why, but may be I am not confessing the reasons to myself...I should be sleeping at this time, its almost 3 and when I have to be up to get ready for work at 5.45 - 6.00 am...

let it go V...letting it go is not easy but easiness follows it.

HE feels good about something, and right away HE start feeling guilty about feeling good. Dear, this in your mind set to feel bad for yourself!

Start letting it go...

Some people don't deserve second chance, but then who am I to decide? Well I think I should decide because, I am the same person who give the chance to this jerk, who I invited to be part of my life, whatever way...

I should not think weirdly about him anymore and I should concentrate on fun parts of the evening, rather than sad after thoughts....grrrr...

Vim....let go!!!

Tattoo - the same ink thingy on skin, I used to dislike. For me, it was a way to kill the beauty of clear and clean skin. Right now I love looking at tattoos; I enjoy detailing of tattoos. Okay, I am changing; my thoughts are changing for few things in life, cause I am enjoying exploring new ways to look at things. Before I never paid attention to the feeling of keeping a memory in this way, I never imagined living a moment in it, I never loved the details and fantasy of having that ink printed on my skin. I am the same person, but something inside me has changed and I am looking at the world with more acceptances, with open heart. Right now, I am so crazily excited to get a tattoo on my skin, that it’s hard to put the excitement in words.

First time, the excitement of tattoo felt like a wave inside me, about a month ago, and then I killed the excitement with my own judgmental thoughts. About a week ago, when I went to a meditation class with 'J' I felt that feeling again. I couldn’t control the feeling and shared with J at the end of the class. He was the only one available around me, who I was familiar with or may be because he has his arms full of tattoos or maybe I thought he will understand my thought; maybe he did understand or maybe not, who cares! Well he did think it was a funky idea for me, which I guess it was.

Moments spent in meditation brought memory back from the days of my yoga and meditation sessions from back home: open parks, early mornings, and many old people; with lots of love and care in their eyes. I missed Chandigarh, and Silvi Park. This meditation was relaxing; I thoroughly enjoyed it, maybe because it was distraction from normal schedule. I felt my heart racing and at peace at the same time. While my eyes were closed, I saw images of my old life, including my life in India and the moments with my ex-husband, and then I saw the best moment out of all, of leaving him, also the way I came out of that marriage. Seeing that strong moment of a strong self took me to another level of meditation.

I was still lost in that moment when I heard bell…time was up! I opened my eyes, in front of my blurry eyes; I saw many faces, many bodies, mostly full of tattoos. I moved my head to right, towards ‘J’, he was smiling as usual, and then I noticed his arms, un-counted tattoos. I missed the feeling of strong moment of strong self, and that very moment, I decided to stamp a tattoo on my body, for the very first time. I felt good about the feeling of living, sharing and showing that hidden strong person in a little signage … Does this sound cheesy? Not to me, but probably it is cheesy for many of my acquaintances...

~V

Hair were tangled

Body was relaxed

Lips were sore

Eyes were half shut.

Mind couldn’t decide –

To think about it…

Or to stop it...

He was in front of me,

I was lost,

In his ash eyes, in his tattooed arms…



Vim
Taft house
February 25, 2009

I want that moment to stay undisclosed because its un-divulge-able. But I do want to remember it so writing a note about that is probably like saving a memory in my camera…With Camera I remember, for the first time, my camera and click, clicks, clicks were not that important in front of someone’s company; that too, two days in a row! Not in a bad way but in a very nice, sweet and wild way:-P

~V....

Why did I go out with the guy I don't even want to be with? I know he is been wanting to take me dancing, which I have been refusing. May be this is why I met him; though I hardly had an hour to meet, so we met at a coffee shop. We were kept talking and talking, about old days and new days. I didn't even buy coffee, he did!

Okay he is a nice guy, a cute smart ass. Well, don't get me wrong, and I do know him for sometime now, but....We have been talking on and off lately, but when I refused his many offers to meet alone, he just planned on to meet me in all those parties I went to, be it Indian parties, art shows or whatever! Truthfully, I liked the attention he gave me. Actually after meeting him for coffee, I realized R is not a bad guy, he just likes me and probably a loner like me...

He is almost 7 years younger to me, a white guy from Sacramento, not that this has anything to do with his being with me, but I just thought of mentioning. One whole year we sat next to each other and we hardly shared a word more than work and work and work. Now this valentines, he sent me flowers and I agreed to meet him - just to say thank you but....

Truthfully, I guess I was kind of frustrated...so met him. This weird and funny frustration was with loneliness, and his offer sounded fine at that time!!

Damn!!! Why am I so guilty? No, not guilty, why am I so annoyed by this anonymous friend of mine! Gosh, I am complicated for no reason. V, let it go!

No one wants to hear the sound of crying, weeping and sadness. No one likes to see tears, sad and dead faces. Not even my own pillow…many a times it has refuses to absorb my tears, and I end up crying alone in other corner. I trust that crying is not always an emotion to express just sadness, breakup or pain, but also an emotion, which indicates that we can feel the happiness, pain and hard times. It shows that we still have humanity, and emotional touch with our selves and with world. I cry, sometimes hiding inside myself, sometimes in open and I still do get lost in my own when I am sad or when I feel failure. Sadness is no fun, its true, but I am happy that I can live and feel sadness unlike many, I am happy that I feel like a normal person.

I was talking over emails with 'J' about sadness, he mentioned that "sadness is there in his body, in his heart" I related to that. I do have sadness in my body and in my heart, but luckily I have come to a point where I am able to switch off my sadness when I don’t have time to live it or simply say can't feel it, and then sometimes, I live that same sadness, when I need to keep myself occupied.

I am happy that I have reached to this point. It wasn't easy, it was not a piece of cake, it wasn't living, and it was hard to face my own self, it was annoying to see my own strong personality crushing and running to the person, I shouldn't be with. It was killing me, when I was weak and when I was alone. It was harsh on my mind and on my body. Loneliness brought me nothing, but a special way to be with myself, to accept my own personality. I learned to accept my faults, I learned new way of expression and I made new agendas for my future. I am happy and proud where I have reached today, even after the path was not easy; important is that I reached here…

On the other hand if I would have chosen the path of hiding the emotions and running away from sadness, I probably would have been living in sadness till today, without any improvement; and then I would have been ended up in sad and crappy moments of life. I am not the person who can live in same kind of emotions and same kind of situations if I am not very content with self, so I try to find new paths and new ways to find peace with in self, peace with the world around me.

It all started at the end of August, when one fine day, I talked to myself, “Girl, take the final decision and then DO NOT look back.” It took me a bit of time to take the decision, but when I did, I did my best to follow through. I have a strong will power and I used my will power to stop me from looking back. I cried day and night: I felt sadness in my heart and body; my ears wanted to hear HIS voice; my eyes wanted to see HIS face; my body needed HIS touch, but nothing was MINE anymore.

Time came when I started calling my girl friends, when I wanted to call HIM, I went dancing when I needed HIS touch, and when I was depressed and alone at home, I painted, I wrote anything to everything, but I didn’t look back. I tried to find the corner of that rope which was tied to HIM. When I felt my chest is heavy, I started writing even more and then more; I pushed myself to let go of HIS thoughts by praying and meditating. It took me really long and harsh time to overcome the love I felt for HIM; it took me months to accept my own touch instead of HIM touching my body; it took me days and days to finally hear the music of life instead of HIS voice…but I finally reached somewhere, where HE wasn’t near my thoughts...I am here today, not finished living the past but I'm more than 60% on this side, which means I am growing, I am progressing. This progress is precious for me, and for my future.

After writing all this, now I am wondering why I had questions like, "Where and why did I run away from my sadness? Why I didn’t face my harsh days?” After writing only I think I did face sad life, I did live moments full of broken, worn-out heart when I needed to, I did went through the tunnel of sadness when I was required to, now I have come over that and I find myself ready to ignore sadness for good, I am ready to push those bricks which were piled underneath me to help me stand on my feel by myself. I am now feeling and living happily and peaceful!

Amen!!!

~V

Its been a new style on facebook, write something about yourself and tag others and make sure they write. I don't know why I did so, but this is my second tag, which i responded to. I have no idea if it is truth or Love or a bit of Malice ;-) Whatever it is, it was fun to do and guess it is fun to read!


Today at 12:14 AM (PST) Feb 14, 2009

100 truths:

1. Last beverage → Herbal Tea
2. Last phone call → Brother
3. Last text message → 'J'
4. Last song you listened to → A. R. Rahman's instrumental
5. Last time you cried → few days ago

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → Yes
2. Been cheated on? - Yes
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? - YES!!!
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed? → Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? - Yes

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Red
2. Orange
3. Purple
4. Blue

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → yes
2. Fallen out of love → Yes
3. Laughed until you cried → Yes
4. Met someone who changed you--> Yes
5. Found out who your true friends were --> Not yet
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → No, but planning to
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → 90%
9. How many kids do you want to have → 1 of my own and 7+ adopted
10. Do you have any pets → Used to
11. Do you want to change your name→ Never
12. What did you do for your last birthday - Meditate
13. What time did you wake up today → 6.03 AM
14. What were you doing at midnight last night: writing an article
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Spring
16. Last time you saw your father→ Sep, 2006
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Finance issues
18. What are you listening to right now → A.R.Rahman's songs
19. Have you ever talked to a person named tom: NO
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? insomnia
24. Most visited webpage → Google

1. What's your name→ V
2. Nicknames → ~V
3. Relationship Status → Single
4. Zodiac sign: Aries
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Elementary--> New Public
7. Middle School → Paragon
8. High school ---> SSS for girls
10. Hair color → Originally black, colored auburn!
11. Long or short hair --> up to shoulder
16. Height → 5'5"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → YES!!!
18: What don't you like about yourself? → Impatience
19. Piercings → Yes, ears
20. Tattoos → Planning for one
21. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → Finger, Aug 2004
23. First piercing → 13 days old
24. First best friends → My brother
26. First sport you joined → Can't remember
27. First pet --> Dog with parents, Cat of my own
28. First vacation → Cant remember
29. First concert → Some Punjabi dude, I guess
30. First crush --> Math professor in middle school
31. First kiss --> in dad's bedroom, brother's friend
32. First job --> Actress for plays

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → nothing
50. Drinking → Herbal Tea
51. Wearing --> VS Pjs
52. I'm about to → Crack up
53. Listening to → key board keys
55. Waiting for → better tomorrow
56. Thinking → I need a vacation...asap!

YOUR FUTURE :
57. Want to live --> Peacefully with lots of kids
58. Want kids --> YES!!!
59. Want to get married --> Not sure!
60. Careers in mind --> Documentary filmmaker

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Lips
69. Hugs or kisses → Both
70. Shorter or taller → Taller
71. Older or Younger → Depends
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Strong Arms
74. Sensitive or loud → sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
76. Humorous or serious --> humorous
77. Trouble maker or hesitant--> Either

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor --> Yes
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes
81. Sex on first date --> No
82. Broken someone's heart → Yes
83. Had your own heart broken --> Yes
84. Wanted someone you know you can't have --> Yes
85. Been arrested → No
86. Turned someone down --> Yes, many times
87. Cried when someone died → Yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl → Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself --> YES!!!
90. Miracles → Have to see to believe
91. Love at first sight —> Yes
92. Heaven → No
93. Santa Clause – > No
94. God --> Yes
95. Kiss on the first date? → Yes
96. Angels --> No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No
99. Done something you regret? Yes
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? May be..


~V

Forget the story of St. Valentine, who had nothing to do with Love, Red & Pink color. I want to talk about the story of "Sour Grapes" which comes to my mind every year with Valentines. Reason is simple: many people thinks that Valentines is over-rated and I DON'T agree with them. These same people don't think that Mother's day is over-rated, because almost everyone has mother and it comes default in one's life.

I believe that those people, who don't have "Valentine" (read: partner) to go out with or enjoy the day with, feels the over rated part; but then I didn't have Valentine or a partner last year and I don't have one this year either. I still think that Valentines days’ commercial value is not over-rated. Okay, I am a flower designer, and it’s my season to make extra cash, but even when I wasn’t a designer, I like the Valentine ’s Day and its commercial value.

I like it when people show their love and affection to others. It is a nice feeling to be loved by someone special. I like it when it’s nicely decorated in stores, and new discounts and products are launched. I enjoy the love songs around me and I defiantly enjoy seeing my friends, who have partners, choosing what to do for their Valentine and/or what to buy. It is another way of showing love; it’s another expression. We love accepting gifts for weirdest reasons on the earth, why not give gifts for simple reason like love?

I agree that we don't need a special day to express our love but then we don't need Xmas and New Year either, isn't it? People will show their love any which ways, why to blame chocolate companies, flower companies etc? Why can't we just accept the beauty of the day and enjoy it?

I trust the thought: commercial value happens only after people start taking interest in that particular topic. There are many days which go by without any notice, because most of the world doesn’t enjoy living those days as special days. For some people, this day is full of fun; for some it is nothing. People like to save their precious moments, their precious gifts, even if they are small and cheap. It’s like weddings; why does one need to get married, if the commitment is in heart? People still do get married, even after one has less money. This is the way of showing commitment; they try to spend good amount on the wedding and try to make it as bigger as possible, so they can remember the special day forever. I think Valentine’s Day hold the same feelings, same fun, and same enjoyment.

For me this day is a beautiful day to express love, and if someone wants to spend fortune on this day, I have no objection.

I wish I was buying flowers for someone or choosing little moment for somebody, but I think its better not to think about it :))

Few moments for later!

~V

Do we choose to become obsessed with someone or we see them around us so much that we tend to become obsessed?

I need new meaning for obsession, positive new meanings.

I want to declare HER obsession with HIM...and I think she is just being herself, then why would HE judge HER anyways? Why cant she be herself and he himself?

What say? Ms. HER, I don't judge you, so feel free to be happy cos you have the right to be happy.

~V

I saw "What's Love Got to Do with It" while sitting at work. Whoever have seen it, knows where I am coming from and where I am going to go...Few years back when I saw this movie, its impact was totally different. Today it was something else!

What love got to do with it? Nothing!!! It has nothing to do with it, love is a sacred feeling and it becomes too much for someone at times. Sometimes, it is just a hidden feeling inside!

On the other hand, Love is nothing but insecurity, and the emotional dependency, specially when you grow old with someone special in your life and/or when you get emotionally raised with one specific one. You tend to become emotionally dependent on him/her in these circumstances. This is another shade of love...

I did the same thing, she did the same thing. Love, yes this is why it was hard to leave him and when I left, it was hard to come out of it, emotionally and mentally. Now when I look back, I feel good about myself that I took the first step. Those times made me feel ashamed of myself for long time. Its not that I wasn't aware of truth around me, when I was there, I knew what was happening to me and I knew it was wrong, but it was hard to even accept it to yourself, forget accepting to others.

I hope someone doesn't live this as her destiny anymore. I hope that I am there for someone and I can help her come out of this emotional crap and mental trauma. I want to do this, I am passionate about it and I am sure I can do it - I will do it.

Amen!!!

VJ

P.S. Need to add more...will do so later, right now..these impulsive thoughts only.

Search Results:
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"If my relationship with her doesn't workout, I would love to be with you"

"I am not looking for a relationship, but if relationship happens, I would want to live it"

I didn't sleep last night, I just couldn't. Seriously, not even a minute of sleep and I am feeling fresh like a rose petal today. I am not trying to feel bad for myself or feel low for self here, but I want to understand the logic behind this weird feeling. What is it which keeps a person up and going for hours? May be anxiousness, Or may be dreams...

Last night, seriously, throughout, I was kept thinking about the responsibility I got on my head when someone told me that he/she likes me...Boy!!! Its a damn big responsibility on my head. It is a damn big image to save!

I think now I probably have to behave the way he/she like me to behave, but then I wonder why so? May be cos I don't want this person to not like me. Or may be I am worried that my real me (whatever that means) is unlike able. Or may be I want to shoo him away. Who knows - the anxiety is hard to handle.

Years ago,I was other kind of person, when I tried to please everyone...when I wanted everybody to like me...when I tried my best to love everyone I knew. This was possible but I think I wasn't at peace. This weird persona made me a strange human inside, because I was all of a sudden one personality in one group and another in some other group. I was the shine of my all friends parties and I was the one who used to be the life of group...but I know, I wasn't always truthful to myself, I wasn't always right. And if someone doesn't like me, I used to feel bad, anxieties used to kill me.... Only few years ago, I started working on not liking everyone and not to be liked by all.

Today I am a bit lost when this person tells me, "V, I really like you...I mean I don't know much about you, but as much as I know you...I like you!"

Phew!!!

He is probably 28 or 30 years old. Every time, I see him or I speak with him, he give me an impression as if life hasn't served him the way he wanted life to be there for him Or may be he is one of those fortunate people, who see the world in its different colors, shades and shapes .

He is a very cute and handsome guy, and may be smart too. Sometimes, I just feel like holding him in my arms and giving him a tight hug, the kind of hugs I got from my Papa, and while holding him tight, I feel like saying,"Everything will be alright, Trust thee...keep the faith, HE will help you get over the crap." But I can't even look into his eyes, cos I can't feel pity for him. I chose not to feel pity for anyone, but may be I still do.

I seriously wish I could hold him tight and stop feeling this emotion of maternity in me, and within my world! I wish I can accept the feel and the want to kiss him, and say,"everything will be alright...."

This sentiment of being the mother is still with in me, it is still helping me live with the emotion....which I aborted on Thursday, March 17, 1999.

tik tik tik
shoot the clock
kill the time
tik tik tik
Stop it!!!
stop itttt!!!
the emptiness of room
the silence of the crowded emotions
tik tik tik
the ocean inside is brewing
the eye lids are holding it tight
tik tik tik
stop the time
shut off this clock
the crowd is pushing limits
the mind of heart cant bear the silence
tik tik tik
I am again feeling it
inside me
out side me
the life........
walking past by me
tik tik tik


Vim copyright 2009

Life is not a story from Desperate housewives show, it cant be; but we all want to live that life. We all want a life, which has some troubles, more happiness and at the end of each episode or each day,all the troubles get disappear like a morning mist.

Life is not a sad moment, but its for sure is full of MOMENT....its full of memories.

Life is the actual catharsis of many films, and films are few chosan moments from life.

This moment of my life, to those housewives, who have a life, even if they are not desperate to be one's wife...

Overwhelmed me...

Uncanny me, but interesting we,

Unknown silence within us...

Unwanted touch of you on to my soul,

When you were never here in me...

When I felt you in my heart,

When I became...fun, but strange human

Who gave shapes to clouds

Who called names to creatures,

so to become the creator!!!

I created....

To find truth with in

To create images without you

in our soul for us!!!

Copyright © 2009 Vim

I am happy, I was strong. I am satisfied, I didn't feel fear. I am relaxed, I did thought of every single thing before I react on it.

Well, I met HIM last night, to discuss those so called papers, the same paper work, which says that two married people are not married any more. He was the same man, I married, same jerk, who hurt me whenever he chose to. And I was the same emotional fool, who still think that, I am in love with HIM.

Well as HE is what HE is, so he did get mad at me, and angry to the extend, where he hit the glass table with his fist & then threw the pen and paper - and to the level where he started calling me names. He always used to get mad, its not new for me, the new thing in new year was from my side. I didn't take his crap, didn't reacted to his anger and I didn't hide in a corner, hoping him not to notice me, and to bring that fist on my face.

Last night I was as emotional as I am, but at that point, I didn't cry seeing him going out of control, instead I hold my tears back and faced him, directly in to his eyes while my heart was pounding in my chest. I said, "calm down." HE is after all what HE is, so he didn't calm down, and I left - without a word, without a sound, without saying bye to cats, no warning and I was out of the door.

I cried for hours after that. I also cursed the day, I loved him more than myself; I called out; infect screamed out loud; all kind of names; while driving to unknown destination.

Few hours later, when I found myself at my apartment, I felt " I was home"
I called out to myself, "honey, I am home..."