I came from flowers shop and excitedly made a painting in hardly few minutes...well, my hands still have color as I type here. After I finished it a bit...I called HIM and told him that I have made a painting and want to gift it to you... He asked me, 'why are you obsessed with me?" I didn't understand why would HE think he has something in him that I would like to be obsessed with him?
Well truly, I saw him today morning and I took his shirt to wear; I do have a lot of shirts from HIM, but it was one crazy action, which I didn't think about. After I came back home, I saw that shirt on my bed...I smelled it, it still has HIS smell in it...I felt weird and told myself to focus on myself and my life, and to stop thinking about HIM, so I started painting...and made my painting called 'FOCUS'.
I wanted to gift it to him cos he is the one who made me loose my focus and he is the one who is (virtually) making me focus on my life back again...I did loose five years but I am not as crazy and sad about it as I was before. I just wanted to share happiness and laughter and my creativity with him but....THIS IS WHAT LOVE MAKES YOU!
I am not the one who can shut creativity off and on, I guess I do need to learn the ways of so called elite and outside upper class world!
I am still happy and excited that I am painting....
How easy it is to put someone down and hit, how easy it is to make some one feel low, so low that they loose their confidence, their ability to work and to think beyond a point, how easy it is to blame somebody...For the four and half years I was kept thinking that it was me who was wrong, it was me who provoked HIM so he hit me, put me down, insult me...but actually it was not me at all...it was someone else, the same person who did all those acts, those moves..it was HIM..and I was constantly harsh on myself for no reason. He ruined my beautiful moments, made me go through depressed life, sadness and weirdness of self, even after that I gave my life to him, my mind to him...if I did whatever was possible for me to do, to please him, to keep him happy...to keep us together but....
He said his childhood was fcuked up cos of the way his parents behaved with him and the way they raised him, but then why was I getting punished, why was I getting hitting, blames and garbage from you? Why? If I wasn't the one who ruined his childhood, then I should not get the results either, isn't it?
Today your same parents are blaming me for breaking off the marriage (yes the same one which had not even a moment of married hood in it) Those same parents are enjoying the life the way they want it, they get love and respect from you the way they want and you get all the showers of love, money and success from them and others...where is my share of happiness? where is my share of love? where is my share of money? where is my share of life? I got nothing but the tears, cos I married you? is this is the share, the half-half of marriage? If I have to take half debt and half Pays then I am eligible of half happiness, success too...isn't it?
I have told him today that if HE wont file the divorce papers in 3 days then I will file it...cos now am over it, I am done with you and your life....I know he is scared of laws, and of me speaking up for self but I have had it...and I have had HIM.
I was working on a video today and I was DP - Director of Photography. I was excited and happy to have the paying gig and on top of that with 2 of my favorite people in the world, Eric and HIM...but I guess I should stop working with these people from now on. They both love me and I love them a lot. I missed the feeling of being the independent one when I worked with HIM, its always been like this but I still work with him cos he knows what is he doing and why is he doing and I enjoy that professionalism in him and Eric is such a nice guy that he will not say a word unless and until something is really bothering him.
I am sad cos by working with my ex I gave the permission to let him treat me the way he used to treat me before I turned his ex. I know it clearly that he is the one who treat woman nice and who is a extremely sweet person when it comes to girls...specially sexy looking ones. If there was someone else but me was the DP then he would have been nice and sweet, but he wasn't...oh well.....gone is gone - learn from the lessons.
I enjoyed the day working on the skills I learned sometime back and getting paid for it. I was an actress and this is how I started my media life...I turned into the owner of a company called Fearless...I was great at that position cos I know how to be leader. I was a bad producer when it comes to doing tons of things on my own but in few months I learned tricks and shortcuts - by working on things and commercials. I became a wonderful person who knows her stuff. Slowly slowly I learned how to read and write a script. I became a writer for my own stuff...and then came the time to learn technical stuff and I learned a voice recording, camera and lighting...and a bit of editing too... The time came when I was proud to call myself "Film Maker" and yes I made small time shorts etc....but after moving to USA I couldn't find anything which can satisfy me...I became useless and free...it took me months to decide I don't want to be with the the guy who is my husband...and who is an ass. It took me long time to come to terms with working for cheap money and adjusting into that, then came the time when I started understanding my skills again and I bounced back...am still bouncing slowly slowly but I have tried and am on it....going on and on and on!!!
Need love and blessings from friends!!!
I guess am done ranting...raving!