Hair were tangled
Body was relaxed
Lips were sore
Eyes were half shut.
Mind couldn’t decide –
To think about it…
Or to stop it...
He was in front of me,
I was lost,
In his ash eyes, in his tattooed arms…
February 25, 2009
I want that moment to stay undisclosed because its un-divulge-able. But I do want to remember it so writing a note about that is probably like saving a memory in my camera…With Camera I remember, for the first time, my camera and click, clicks, clicks were not that important in front of someone’s company; that too, two days in a row! Not in a bad way but in a very nice, sweet and wild way:-P
Why did I go out with the guy I don't even want to be with? I know he is been wanting to take me dancing, which I have been refusing. May be this is why I met him; though I hardly had an hour to meet, so we met at a coffee shop. We were kept talking and talking, about old days and new days. I didn't even buy coffee, he did!
Okay he is a nice guy, a cute smart ass. Well, don't get me wrong, and I do know him for sometime now, but....We have been talking on and off lately, but when I refused his many offers to meet alone, he just planned on to meet me in all those parties I went to, be it Indian parties, art shows or whatever! Truthfully, I liked the attention he gave me. Actually after meeting him for coffee, I realized R is not a bad guy, he just likes me and probably a loner like me...
He is almost 7 years younger to me, a white guy from Sacramento, not that this has anything to do with his being with me, but I just thought of mentioning. One whole year we sat next to each other and we hardly shared a word more than work and work and work. Now this valentines, he sent me flowers and I agreed to meet him - just to say thank you but....
Truthfully, I guess I was kind of frustrated...so met him. This weird and funny frustration was with loneliness, and his offer sounded fine at that time!!
Damn!!! Why am I so guilty? No, not guilty, why am I so annoyed by this anonymous friend of mine! Gosh, I am complicated for no reason. V, let it go!
No one wants to hear the sound of crying, weeping and sadness. No one likes to see tears, sad and dead faces. Not even my own pillow…many a times it has refuses to absorb my tears, and I end up crying alone in other corner. I trust that crying is not always an emotion to express just sadness, breakup or pain, but also an emotion, which indicates that we can feel the happiness, pain and hard times. It shows that we still have humanity, and emotional touch with our selves and with world. I cry, sometimes hiding inside myself, sometimes in open and I still do get lost in my own when I am sad or when I feel failure. Sadness is no fun, its true, but I am happy that I can live and feel sadness unlike many, I am happy that I feel like a normal person.
I was talking over emails with 'J' about sadness, he mentioned that "sadness is there in his body, in his heart" I related to that. I do have sadness in my body and in my heart, but luckily I have come to a point where I am able to switch off my sadness when I don’t have time to live it or simply say can't feel it, and then sometimes, I live that same sadness, when I need to keep myself occupied.
I am happy that I have reached to this point. It wasn't easy, it was not a piece of cake, it wasn't living, and it was hard to face my own self, it was annoying to see my own strong personality crushing and running to the person, I shouldn't be with. It was killing me, when I was weak and when I was alone. It was harsh on my mind and on my body. Loneliness brought me nothing, but a special way to be with myself, to accept my own personality. I learned to accept my faults, I learned new way of expression and I made new agendas for my future. I am happy and proud where I have reached today, even after the path was not easy; important is that I reached here…
On the other hand if I would have chosen the path of hiding the emotions and running away from sadness, I probably would have been living in sadness till today, without any improvement; and then I would have been ended up in sad and crappy moments of life. I am not the person who can live in same kind of emotions and same kind of situations if I am not very content with self, so I try to find new paths and new ways to find peace with in self, peace with the world around me.
It all started at the end of August, when one fine day, I talked to myself, “Girl, take the final decision and then DO NOT look back.” It took me a bit of time to take the decision, but when I did, I did my best to follow through. I have a strong will power and I used my will power to stop me from looking back. I cried day and night: I felt sadness in my heart and body; my ears wanted to hear HIS voice; my eyes wanted to see HIS face; my body needed HIS touch, but nothing was MINE anymore.
Time came when I started calling my girl friends, when I wanted to call HIM, I went dancing when I needed HIS touch, and when I was depressed and alone at home, I painted, I wrote anything to everything, but I didn’t look back. I tried to find the corner of that rope which was tied to HIM. When I felt my chest is heavy, I started writing even more and then more; I pushed myself to let go of HIS thoughts by praying and meditating. It took me really long and harsh time to overcome the love I felt for HIM; it took me months to accept my own touch instead of HIM touching my body; it took me days and days to finally hear the music of life instead of HIS voice…but I finally reached somewhere, where HE wasn’t near my thoughts...I am here today, not finished living the past but I'm more than 60% on this side, which means I am growing, I am progressing. This progress is precious for me, and for my future.
After writing all this, now I am wondering why I had questions like, "Where and why did I run away from my sadness? Why I didn’t face my harsh days?” After writing only I think I did face sad life, I did live moments full of broken, worn-out heart when I needed to, I did went through the tunnel of sadness when I was required to, now I have come over that and I find myself ready to ignore sadness for good, I am ready to push those bricks which were piled underneath me to help me stand on my feel by myself. I am now feeling and living happily and peaceful!
Its been a new style on facebook, write something about yourself and tag others and make sure they write. I don't know why I did so, but this is my second tag, which i responded to. I have no idea if it is truth or Love or a bit of Malice ;-) Whatever it is, it was fun to do and guess it is fun to read!
Today at 12:14 AM (PST) Feb 14, 2009
1. Last beverage → Herbal Tea
2. Last phone call → Brother
3. Last text message → 'J'
4. Last song you listened to → A. R. Rahman's instrumental
5. Last time you cried → few days ago
SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → Yes
2. Been cheated on? - Yes
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? - YES!!!
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed? → Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? - Yes
LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Made new friends → yes
2. Fallen out of love → Yes
3. Laughed until you cried → Yes
4. Met someone who changed you--> Yes
5. Found out who your true friends were --> Not yet
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → No, but planning to
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → 90%
9. How many kids do you want to have → 1 of my own and 7+ adopted
10. Do you have any pets → Used to
11. Do you want to change your name→ Never
12. What did you do for your last birthday - Meditate
13. What time did you wake up today → 6.03 AM
14. What were you doing at midnight last night: writing an article
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Spring
16. Last time you saw your father→ Sep, 2006
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Finance issues
18. What are you listening to right now → A.R.Rahman's songs
19. Have you ever talked to a person named tom: NO
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? insomnia
24. Most visited webpage → Google
1. What's your name→ V
2. Nicknames → ~V
3. Relationship Status → Single
4. Zodiac sign: Aries
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Elementary--> New Public
7. Middle School → Paragon
8. High school ---> SSS for girls
10. Hair color → Originally black, colored auburn!
11. Long or short hair --> up to shoulder
16. Height → 5'5"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → YES!!!
18: What don't you like about yourself? → Impatience
19. Piercings → Yes, ears
20. Tattoos → Planning for one
21. Righty or lefty → righty
22. First surgery → Finger, Aug 2004
23. First piercing → 13 days old
24. First best friends → My brother
26. First sport you joined → Can't remember
27. First pet --> Dog with parents, Cat of my own
28. First vacation → Cant remember
29. First concert → Some Punjabi dude, I guess
30. First crush --> Math professor in middle school
31. First kiss --> in dad's bedroom, brother's friend
32. First job --> Actress for plays
49. Eating → nothing
50. Drinking → Herbal Tea
51. Wearing --> VS Pjs
52. I'm about to → Crack up
53. Listening to → key board keys
55. Waiting for → better tomorrow
56. Thinking → I need a vacation...asap!
YOUR FUTURE :
57. Want to live --> Peacefully with lots of kids
58. Want kids --> YES!!!
59. Want to get married --> Not sure!
60. Careers in mind --> Documentary filmmaker
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Lips
69. Hugs or kisses → Both
70. Shorter or taller → Taller
71. Older or Younger → Depends
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Strong Arms
74. Sensitive or loud → sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
76. Humorous or serious --> humorous
77. Trouble maker or hesitant--> Either
HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor --> Yes
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes
81. Sex on first date --> No
82. Broken someone's heart → Yes
83. Had your own heart broken --> Yes
84. Wanted someone you know you can't have --> Yes
85. Been arrested → No
86. Turned someone down --> Yes, many times
87. Cried when someone died → Yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl → Yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself --> YES!!!
90. Miracles → Have to see to believe
91. Love at first sight —> Yes
92. Heaven → No
93. Santa Clause – > No
94. God --> Yes
95. Kiss on the first date? → Yes
96. Angels --> No
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No
99. Done something you regret? Yes
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? May be..
Forget the story of St. Valentine, who had nothing to do with Love, Red & Pink color. I want to talk about the story of "Sour Grapes" which comes to my mind every year with Valentines. Reason is simple: many people thinks that Valentines is over-rated and I DON'T agree with them. These same people don't think that Mother's day is over-rated, because almost everyone has mother and it comes default in one's life.
I believe that those people, who don't have "Valentine" (read: partner) to go out with or enjoy the day with, feels the over rated part; but then I didn't have Valentine or a partner last year and I don't have one this year either. I still think that Valentines days’ commercial value is not over-rated. Okay, I am a flower designer, and it’s my season to make extra cash, but even when I wasn’t a designer, I like the Valentine ’s Day and its commercial value.
I like it when people show their love and affection to others. It is a nice feeling to be loved by someone special. I like it when it’s nicely decorated in stores, and new discounts and products are launched. I enjoy the love songs around me and I defiantly enjoy seeing my friends, who have partners, choosing what to do for their Valentine and/or what to buy. It is another way of showing love; it’s another expression. We love accepting gifts for weirdest reasons on the earth, why not give gifts for simple reason like love?
I agree that we don't need a special day to express our love but then we don't need Xmas and New Year either, isn't it? People will show their love any which ways, why to blame chocolate companies, flower companies etc? Why can't we just accept the beauty of the day and enjoy it?
I trust the thought: commercial value happens only after people start taking interest in that particular topic. There are many days which go by without any notice, because most of the world doesn’t enjoy living those days as special days. For some people, this day is full of fun; for some it is nothing. People like to save their precious moments, their precious gifts, even if they are small and cheap. It’s like weddings; why does one need to get married, if the commitment is in heart? People still do get married, even after one has less money. This is the way of showing commitment; they try to spend good amount on the wedding and try to make it as bigger as possible, so they can remember the special day forever. I think Valentine’s Day hold the same feelings, same fun, and same enjoyment.
For me this day is a beautiful day to express love, and if someone wants to spend fortune on this day, I have no objection.
I wish I was buying flowers for someone or choosing little moment for somebody, but I think its better not to think about it :))
Few moments for later!
Do we choose to become obsessed with someone or we see them around us so much that we tend to become obsessed?
I need new meaning for obsession, positive new meanings.
I want to declare HER obsession with HIM...and I think she is just being herself, then why would HE judge HER anyways? Why cant she be herself and he himself?
What say? Ms. HER, I don't judge you, so feel free to be happy cos you have the right to be happy.
I saw "What's Love Got to Do with It" while sitting at work. Whoever have seen it, knows where I am coming from and where I am going to go...Few years back when I saw this movie, its impact was totally different. Today it was something else!
What love got to do with it? Nothing!!! It has nothing to do with it, love is a sacred feeling and it becomes too much for someone at times. Sometimes, it is just a hidden feeling inside!
On the other hand, Love is nothing but insecurity, and the emotional dependency, specially when you grow old with someone special in your life and/or when you get emotionally raised with one specific one. You tend to become emotionally dependent on him/her in these circumstances. This is another shade of love...
I did the same thing, she did the same thing. Love, yes this is why it was hard to leave him and when I left, it was hard to come out of it, emotionally and mentally. Now when I look back, I feel good about myself that I took the first step. Those times made me feel ashamed of myself for long time. Its not that I wasn't aware of truth around me, when I was there, I knew what was happening to me and I knew it was wrong, but it was hard to even accept it to yourself, forget accepting to others.
I hope someone doesn't live this as her destiny anymore. I hope that I am there for someone and I can help her come out of this emotional crap and mental trauma. I want to do this, I am passionate about it and I am sure I can do it - I will do it.
P.S. Need to add more...will do so later, right now..these impulsive thoughts only.