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I told myself Write, actually it relaxes me...but write about what? I dont want to write about what I am going through at this point of my life...reasons are tons but basic two reasons...I dont want to keep bragging about it and feel more bad about it and why to involve my blog in to it man....what for?

I am just so tired today that I am seriously off my head and body...I guess I should leave soon or I will feel worse soon. I am suppose to go to see Lunar Eclipse at Griffith park but I am so dead tired that I don't even feel like going any where...and sucks that I have no life if I have this job and if I don't have this job then life is not there any which way....

Well, I just need a new job and new life I guess....but who doesn't need a new life. I am sure almost every one in this world has some or the other problem....and they always dream about moving ot a new life which has may be less problems but relaxations and does that mean we all have bad life and unhappy moments? Guess os......

I am off here....right now sleep in bus while going home sounds the best idea but only if I get the seat to sit.....


I have been going to evening meetings in Rehab for outpatients at cri-help....with a very close friend of mine, who is unable to control drugs and anger in his own his body NEEDS it now(dunno how truth that is)

I met so many addicts in very first meeting...I felt worse when I found that they have taken help of Rehab many times and have gone back to the same situation, in a year or two or sometimes six years later...Situation goes more bad when you want to quit and your body doesn't let you.

I have been finding myself stuck at:

Why do anyone need to depend on "those" things in life?
Why cant some people get enough of life?
Why do they live deadly life and give that life to their loved ones too?

I feel sorry for myself as a close friend of mine is addict...may be we all do have friends who are addicts. I don't want to leave my friend in mid way cos I know he might will go back as soon as he will find himself alone and sad...AH!!! wish we had a possibility of switching on and off from bad things in life.

Wish!!!! We all could say No No No No I wont go to rehab, cos I am clean...cos I don't need it.

Who to blame?

Once upon a time there was a little kid, a beautiful looking boy, healthy built - 7 years of age, curious and creative with and about everything available around him. He is always busy watching, observing, analyzing each thing around him...A naturally happy & curious kid.

His family was pretty small, One Little brother, Mom & Dad. His parents were always busy to make both ends meet. They were new in Unites States, so they were trying their best for achieving some better quality & standard of life.

One day his father came from work, he was tired and hungry. His wife told him to go to the grocery store & buy few things so that she could cook dinner for them. His father took him to the grocery store.young. This Kid, lets call him 'S' just wore his jacket and shoes and went with his father who, didn't want to go to the store, but he had no option, his wife had alot to do, clean the kitchen, fed the little one and then cook dinner for family. So in cranky mood his father went to grocery store. He picked few things in rush rush, and went and stand in line to pay for stuff. He was just wishing for line to be small, but in reality he had 10 people in front of him & PHEW!!!! Where is S - Shoot...He was worried, scared & uncomfortable, He did not wanted someone to call 911 & put him to jail cos he was in rush.

He suddenly noticed S, he was by magazine stand, looking at some magazine. He yelled in his native language & told S to come to him right away. S was so involved in one car magazine, that he could not hear anything. S was curiously looking at car pictures, engine pictures, front of car, back of car...WOW!!! that was a different world all together...He was in his own little world, the world of machines, beautiful pictures and he felt something on his arm, it was his father's tight hand. He came back to life, by his father who was shaking his body and asking him something....S didn't payed attention.

Abruptly, he put that magazine back & almost running behind his father. he reached to his car. He fixed his seat belt and made himself comfortable, but all of a sudden this car felt different from inside than those cars in magazine. S was trying to understand why is it different, but his father was interrupting with some words, he had no idea about what his father was saying in the background....S gave few reactions like, hmm, yeah haa, hun....and went back to his thoughts.

When he reached home, the first thing he noticed was exterior of his father's car. He was lost in the different shapes of cars. While he was lost in cars, his father lost his patience and gave him a tight slap on his back, pulled him from ears and almost pushing him inside the house, he took S to basement and locked there for few hours without food or water and came every hour, slapped him more, yelled at him more and was kept asking, "so will you do it again, tell me, would you not listen to me now, hmmm....."

S had no idea, what was happening with him & why...he just wanted to see cars, nothing else. He was still lost in his car world - he could not match his curiosity with all these slaps, insults & yelling. He felt like crying but he purposely didn't cried this time, cos after he cry, his father feel sorry for him and let go of him and he knew this satisfy his father's heart. S wanted to hurt his father's feelings, he just wanted to hurt his dad so much that he kept holding his anger inside and kept taking hitting until he fell asleep in basement....while holding poison of anger inside him.....S lived those kind of many many moments...and became a old man with that poison growing each day inside him.

That kid was my husband. I wish I could change things in past.

Story of a girl

I wrote this poem somewhere without a thought, but now its bothering me as I cant complete it fully, if you think you can help me leave comment of changes you can do.....and will make sure I can change those portions:

I saw that girl
she was always
cracking poor jokes

I was envious of her

She told me she is happy
She is flying in sky
she just have got married
She has found her real prince

I was happy for her

I saw her in market
she was looking sad
the moment she saw me she smiled
tried to show her happiness
all that was fake
but, She bought me a cake

I was surprised, wanted to say a word
but she went away like a bird

She was catching up a train
while her tears were over flowing
I saw her, it shocked me
I called for her name
She seemed pale
she didn't even looked back
I was standing alone on the rack

I was sad to see tears in her eyes

She went away somewhere
Don't even know where
for good or what
I missed her
her smile
her laughter
and poor jokes

She never came back
People says she is a pill now
who cure others sickness
She is a fruit now
who fill others stomach
and she is a tissue now
Who wipe others tears

I was speechless & sad
cos I lost her....

Next day she came in my dream
told me good you lost me
cos I go to those
who have pain & who cry
whose life sucks
& they think they can just

Copyright © Vim

If I die........

This poem is dedicated to my love of life, My husband...he knows why I am dedicating this to him, hope he like it:

if I die
I know you will cry
not fake not loud
but you will say
Thank you to God

if I die
I know you will cry
you will remember me for ever
but only in albums
life will still run
like a roaring engine.

I know you will shred some tears
and many of your fears
you will just pick
some of my cloths
and will develop new fears
while wiping old tears

I know you surely will cry
I will cry too
cos you let go of me
in the ocean of life
to save your life
and I let it go
to save your pride.

© Vim

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