I didn't sleep last night, I just couldn't. Seriously, not even a minute of sleep and I am feeling fresh like a rose petal today. I am not trying to feel bad for myself or feel low for self here, but I want to understand the logic behind this weird feeling. What is it which keeps a person up and going for hours? May be anxiousness, Or may be dreams...
Last night, seriously, throughout, I was kept thinking about the responsibility I got on my head when someone told me that he/she likes me...Boy!!! Its a damn big responsibility on my head. It is a damn big image to save!
I think now I probably have to behave the way he/she like me to behave, but then I wonder why so? May be cos I don't want this person to not like me. Or may be I am worried that my real me (whatever that means) is unlike able. Or may be I want to shoo him away. Who knows - the anxiety is hard to handle.
Years ago,I was other kind of person, when I tried to please everyone...when I wanted everybody to like me...when I tried my best to love everyone I knew. This was possible but I think I wasn't at peace. This weird persona made me a strange human inside, because I was all of a sudden one personality in one group and another in some other group. I was the shine of my all friends parties and I was the one who used to be the life of group...but I know, I wasn't always truthful to myself, I wasn't always right. And if someone doesn't like me, I used to feel bad, anxieties used to kill me.... Only few years ago, I started working on not liking everyone and not to be liked by all.
Today I am a bit lost when this person tells me, "V, I really like you...I mean I don't know much about you, but as much as I know you...I like you!"
He is probably 28 or 30 years old. Every time, I see him or I speak with him, he give me an impression as if life hasn't served him the way he wanted life to be there for him Or may be he is one of those fortunate people, who see the world in its different colors, shades and shapes .
He is a very cute and handsome guy, and may be smart too. Sometimes, I just feel like holding him in my arms and giving him a tight hug, the kind of hugs I got from my Papa, and while holding him tight, I feel like saying,"Everything will be alright, Trust thee...keep the faith, HE will help you get over the crap." But I can't even look into his eyes, cos I can't feel pity for him. I chose not to feel pity for anyone, but may be I still do.
I seriously wish I could hold him tight and stop feeling this emotion of maternity in me, and within my world! I wish I can accept the feel and the want to kiss him, and say,"everything will be alright...."
This sentiment of being the mother is still with in me, it is still helping me live with the emotion....which I aborted on Thursday, March 17, 1999.