There was a time I wanted to run away from everyone in life...from parents, friends so I can just be on my own, work and work and work on my own and have a crazy fast paced life. Then time came when I wanted to be with one and all...I was lucky to be on my own in life and then with friends and family when I wanted to. From the day I stepped in to college in India, I have been working non stop. I worked and worked and worked...and yes I enjoyed working alot. I had the most fun in stressful moments, hard moments...to solve problems and to win over depression, sadness and failure. That was the time. Well, I used to refuse work sometimes & sometimes I used to curse people for giving so little of money for so big of a job...and theater!!! AH, those were the best days of my life. I had fun working as an actress and as director of plays. People used to come for my plays, to see me acting, to see my direction...then I got bored of everything.
I wanted a relationship, a love life and a family. I wanted to have someone, someone of my own...who I can call MY LOVE! I got relationship, love and a small family. I became dependent on my love, my relationship and the baggage of my dependency was too heavy for my love and his behavior was too much for my independent soul. The love, the relationship, the family, it all broke in to pieces and I was shattered. I found myself sitting on a footpath one day with no life, no motivation and no fun...I am still sitting here, on a strange road..waiting for the opportunity to come in front so I can grab it...although I know it well that opportunity don't go to people, people have to grab it. Lekin mujhe kabhi dikhti kyun nahin yeh opportunities in the country of golden opportunities? Worse is I dont enjoy any work, anything right now...be it reading, studying or even simple things like eating, cooking etc.
I have been going crazy to find solutions, and to find ways out. I am tired of looking for purpose of life, the motivation of living...the madness and boring life is the worse part. Right now, the path seems very blurry in front and it looks like I am not going on right path and worse is it seems same way, almost everyday, I feel depressed...tired of fighting with self, finances and emotions....I NEED to go back to see my family and friends so I can feel the need to live and feel the motivation...but I don't know what stops me here, what says don't go...what makes me stop!
Enough of crying! I want to just change one thing in my life....finances right now. I was never a materialist person but my experiences have taught me the need and love for money. The money can give me the life I am looking for right now. I know its so materialist, but hell ya!! what is not materialist now a days? If I have money I will have less time to think crap and if I have money I can take my own decisions...simple. End of story!