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why do we need sexual relationships?
Why do we need to have a physical need fulfilled?
Why do we girls are in to emotional sex and not just sex?
Why do we just give up if we are not happy with it?
Why human nature change its shape or way cos we are happy in physical relations?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

I want to know...I want to know cos its been long I am fighting back my emotions to ask this question, since probably when I was 20 years more than 30 now so I need to know the reply...I need it...please explain me, guys/gurls...anyone...
Do you have answer to it?

What would you Choose?

What makes us egoistic?
What is proud?
What is self respect?
Why do we get egoistic or proud?

I am a very self respective person, my self respect is very important to me and I like to keep myself in check of my self respect so it should not turn into proud or ego. I am a self made person and I have tried and applied different ideas on me and have become what I am today and whatever I have turned into I am proud of me. I am happy with my own self...I still need many changes but its going to take time, alot of time...cos again I have to start trying new things ;)

Ok, who am I? I am a female, who was born in India and now in US. I am professionally Producer and stylist and love acting(have degrees and certificates too) singing alone(am really a bad singer) Listening to Music(my choice is not everybody's flavor)
I love living(who doesn't) I love to write, and I love to chill out...I do get mad & angry once in a while but I have to take out the negativity too.

I am a very egoistic person when it comes to last word with my hubb, or when I cook something and I am not happy with it, but I wont show it...I will make sure everyone give me attention or like a baby I will loose interest from that place or event. I am a fun witty weird person, my all friends are very careful with their words cos I can easily make fun of them with their words....anyways....

Thats all about me...I want to know why do we become egoistic? Why do we turn in to over self respect? I need suggestions, feel free to email me, comment me or whatever....


I saw him...after years of separation:
Felt as if...
as if its me,
Hidden me..
Lost me...
Inside me...
Outside me..
with me...
without me..

Wish I was a bit softer to him!!!
May be he would have been mine!!!
May be he would have changed!!!
Or may be I was more accepting!!!

Think of those sweet moments,
Not the sadness,
is it true that he could have been mine?

She says:

Life is fun when I drink.....does this means I am drinking too much....or is it Christmas feel right now? Donno but since 3 days am drinking every night...its bad, very bad, very very bad......jeez!!! I should not drink today, but today is Xmas Eve...

I need to hold my over flowing emotions...


Ok I wont write for 3 hours.








Am feeling better. I need some you have wine glasses?

(described the exact way my drunk friend told me to describe)

The Kiss N Perfect One

A gazal - Honthon se choo lo tum
Mera geet amar kar do...

Once upon a time there was a girl, Crazy, Fun & Stupid. When she was teen, She used to think if someone will try to kiss her lips (mind it, only lips) it means he loves her(wow!!! that was easy) and if he will be able to kiss her means she loves him too (More easier)...She lived in this spirit, in this fantasy for few years. Then she finished her High school - expecting, that her perfect one will come one day, same way her friends got their perfect ones...she will meet her perfect one too...

She joined college, Life took a strange turn - her Sis got married, without any notice, any celebrations. It took her off the 'Love' feelings, she started hiding her 'kiss N perfect one' emotion inside her, from her. This hiding didn't helped her cos it made her cut herself from world, she could not find any specific reason - but may be she saw pain in her parents eyes, may be the concept of 'kiss N perfect one' was shredding, or may be she was just living each day at times...may be.

She gave herself a break and joined a Camp, cos that camps basics were basics of her & theater - her 2 favorite things in the world. She actually started enjoying it, Se met so many people, made so many friends - she was happy, once again. She was herself again, outgoing normal girl.

And she met 'Him' in that group. 'He' was a nice guy, he had tons of experience in her interests, he knew the inside-outsides of those destinations, she was choosing as her future. They became friends. They started talking, tons of topics, lot of words, each day, everyday...

And one day 'His' friend joined in...then it was a 3 people team, they worked together, ate together, discussed all most all topics of the world together. There was never ending topics & talks from any thing to everything of this world - talk of love, romance, fantasies and life was always the major topics, considering their was normal. Everyone talked about their wishful love moments and romantic encounters etc etc

Few days passed by and one day 'His' friend offered her a ride to her home, she accepted, as they were friends now. He really took her for a ride, a drive and then suddenly stopped at remote area, for a cigarette...she argued and he shut her mouth with a kiss...she was confused, more than ever. It was 'His' friend, it was not 'Him'. "Whats going on?" she kept asking herself and got no reply...Confused night put a blanket on every feeling.

Next day she wanted to see some storm, some Halchal, some movement, something from Him and from herself...nothing happened...nothing at all. days passed by - All friends seem same, everything looked similar - 'He' was still there, his friend too. No comment, no questions no nothing about that evening. Camp wrapped up in few days. All left to their destinations. Every single kid loved her, her dedication, her work. She kept receiving tons of post cards & letters for whole year and year passed by so quietly.

Next year camp started again - she was asked again to join & she did joined. Again she met wonderful talents, kids and met 'Him'& his friend...A confusion, a stupid emotion tried to take over her for few seconds, but right away she felt mature, she handled it well.

One of the days in camp 'He' met her after the busy day's work, took her in the corner & asked her a question, "why did you kissed my friend?" Before she could say a word, he continued, "why not me too...why didn't you kissed me and only my friend?" She thought he is joking, but no...suddenly 'He' snatched her glasses, throw them on floor & pushed her to the wall...came over to her face, held her tight, so she could not move, and tried to kiss her...and she could see only nasty looks in his eyes, ugly face of 'Him'

She pulled her full power and kicked between his legs with her knee...he was not ready for this so he fell down and she ran away...far far away, where she could never see him or even his shadow ever again...

few years later, she read in local news paper that 'He' is been killed by his Friend, over some girl...and her revenge was taken care of...

(Based on few personal experience & few imaginations)

"Babies come with silver spoon in their mouth" this was told to me by someone...just a day back. My reaction, really? Then why do babies beg on streets? Why do homeless babies are available in every single county of the world? WOW!!!!!! babies come with a silver spoon in their mouth.

Just a random thought, while trying to repress my emotions for a baby....

The Year 2007

AHA!!!! New year is going to be here soon...lets see how was my 2007:

Like 32 previous years of my life, this year was wonderful too...I had new experiences and new fun moments and this time I was in New Country too, which has put its own spices into my life. One whole month is still in front of me, but it feels like time is running away...faster than Air and Light, so here is my 2007...

2007- A year, which is slipping away...slowly slowly, but at the same time running away too:

A wonderful year for me and my husband, another year to grow with myself. In the earlier months of 2007 Migration to US did felt a bit weird as I was alone & US didn't felt my own, but over the months these situations helped me understand myself. I Missed India, cried for it, wrote a lot about it and now getting over the crying part, not the missing & writing part though :)

On one level, it was a great feeling to have somethings and on another level that specific thing bothered me. I matured enough inside me more than outside in last one year that sometimes I wonder if I am the same girl, who was always bubbly and funny almost every second. I had lived some gracious moments and some embarrassed ones of my life in past but in last one year all those seems more useless, I have stopped wearing makeup and styling since almost 3 years but this year I was completely out of show offs of world. Well USA has alot to do in it...Anyways, I Made new friends here. Had Adventurous time together with Snehal. I should not have but still Consumed more alcohol than any other year. I Took the chance of traveling to wonderful new places in US, Enjoyed some new cultures, different foods and unknown languages. Explored some new places around here. Adopted two cats, Sultaan and Raeyna aka chutki, the most wonderful babies one can have.I cant live with out cats anymore. As any other person, I also turned a year older, still didn't felt bad about it, I gained some 35 pounds, but still did not felt too weird out. Found some Grey hair and thought of not coloring them ever. Found love and passion for life more than ever.
finally got the chance to solve some rotten issues and some black scars of life. I Took some more new risks and new responsibilities. On other note, Am still trying new career options and new business deals.

The biggest thing was I finalized a final goal to grow old with, old goals seems impractical & most of them I have achieved somewhere. As part of my new goal, I want to open a NGO and I have taken new step towards it. It makes me relax and happy. I always wanted to make Documentaries, so I did it...I made my Documentary about Defining America, its editing is yet not done, but slow and steady is me.
I finally took legal license for the first time in my life ( I used to drive illegally in India for years)
etc etc etc etc...........

Oh gosh!!!! too much happened in 2007 and its still going on n on... Well, over all personally and professionally wonderfully satisfying 2007.

Work From Home

My boss gave me some new work, which is suppose to be confidential and I am not suppose to show to others so we finalsied that I will work from home for few days untill work is done and she will get the details by emails...I was very happy and relaxed cos I travel 3 hours to and from my work. I was relaxed to get payed 2 hours extra each day and no worry to get ready and go....I started working today(first day) form home. I started at 9 as usual (I use to start my travel at 9) and I will work untill 7 as usual but here I have cut down my traveling I am working from home, which does seems weird cos I am lazying and working, am relaxing and working, am working similar percentage of work in 4 hours which I use to do in 3 hours, so my work is getting suffered a bit, but if I stop writing this blog, I might can concentrate on it more....back to work...from home.

Karma & Dharma

What is Karma and what is Dharma?

For me Karma is doing right thing from heart, giving 100 percent & living the moment 100 percent...while doing my karma, I try to keep my mind calm and accepting to that specific thing you do...cos then I can give 100 percent. My karma is my daily acceptance of life, My acceptance towards humanity is my Karma and not hurting anyone is my Karma and not giving pain purposely to anyone is my Karma. To believe and to enjoy your faith is my karma.

Dharma is basically religion and My religion is believing in my own self, in my actions and in my love for myself & the power above me, who controls my emotions & let me control myself, and who take charge of me...this power could be anything...from elements to my fake believe or just a simple acceptance of someone. This power has nothing to do with Temples, Churches or Mosques or whatever. Having this power in me helps me do my Karma better so for me Karma is Dharma and Dharma is Karma.

I am writing this today cos I need to calm my mind to perform better and to keep myself inline with my Dharma and here is my faith, probably a bit weird but truth from heart.

Life is somewhere all about Me, Myself and I.


Life is boring when I am pressurised to live same moments and same days over and over again. I hate doing it, but what if I get payed to do the same? Well that is known as JOB, and I am doing one...I hate it and I love it and I am doing it over and over again...this is what life is all happily or not but live for money, money which dont even stay in your hand for long but give you access to do what one pleases to do during weekends and during their relax hours...but is this life? Should we call it happy living? Probably not but what about living without money, being that a life?

So what is better - adjust with monotonous life or adjust to homeless life?


Chutki, my little one is waiting on one side of cloth tunnel so when Sultaan shows his face from other side she can just jump and hit him with her paws...she is becoming more naughtier and more cute baby...yes these are caties and I treat them as cats and as my babies as well...I want to be a Mommy soon, don't when it can happen cos its hard to start a new life in new country and then have a baby...I dont even have a licence to drive how can i think of baby (as if its the requirement to be Mom) I don't even have my own house or Condo (as if I will let baby sleep on road) I dont even have bank balance (as if I am going to feed my baby dollars) BUT this is how it is...I need to have a licence so I am free to be with my baby and my husband have no tensions of taking care of my baby (well he is yet not sure if he wants to have one or not) I need to have my own house or apartment so I am not worried of other people's property getting dirtier or ruined cos baby is allowed to do anything when he/she is in front of my eyes...I need to have bank balance cos if I will have money I can be full time Mom...BUT.......hate these questions and hate me to have wishes like normal girl...I am 32, yes I am old enough to have a baby of my own...I am allowed to cos I am married and I am adult so I can wish to give birth to one if I want...



Mar Jana ya Marijuana?

I found it on wikipedia(online encyclopedia) Snehal likes to Smoke Marijuana and I am totally against it, so I always keep doing research so he undertsand that how its bad for your health specially when you have quit and you slowly slowly start back on it....I wish I could show him and he could have given time ot read it.


"marijuana is at the root of many mental disorders, including acute toxic psychosis, panic attacks (one of the very conditions it is being used experimentally to treat), flashbacks, delusions, depersonalization, hallucinations, paranoia, depression, and uncontrollable aggressiveness. Marijuana has long been known to trigger attacks of mental illness, such as bipolar (manic-depressive) psychosis and schizophrenia"

"In the short term, marijuana use impairs perception, judgment, thinking, memory, and learning; memory defects may persist six weeks after last use. Mental disorders connected with marijuana use merit their own category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV, published by the American Psychiatric Association. These include Cannabis Intoxication (consisting of impaired motor coordination, anxiety, impaired judgment, sensation of slowed time, social withdrawal, and often includes perceptual disturbances; Cannabis Intoxication Delirium (memory deficit, disorientation); Cannabis Induced Psychotic Disorder, Delusions; Cannabis Induced Psychotic Disorder, Hallucinations; and Cannabis Induced Anxiety Disorder.

In addition, marijuana use has many indirect effects on health. Its effect on coordination, perception, and judgment means that it causes a number of accidents, vehicular and otherwise."

"The main respiratory consequences of smoking marijuana regularly (one joint a day) are pulmonary infections and respiratory cancer, whose connection to marijuana use has been strongly suggested but not conclusively proven. The effects also include chronic bronchitis, impairment in the function of the smaller air passages, inflammation of the lung, the development of potentially pre-cancerous abnormalities in the bronchial lining and lungs, and, as discussed, a reduction in the capabilities of many defensive mechanisms within the lungs."

"The most potent argument against the use of marijuana to treat medical disorders is that marijuana may cause the acceleration or aggravation of the very disorders it is being used to treat.

Smoking marijuana regularly (a joint a day) can damage the cells in the bronchial passages which protect the body against inhaled microorganisms and decrease the ability of the immune cells in the lungs to fight off fungi, bacteria, and tumor cells. For patients with already weakened immune systems, this means an increase in the possibility of dangerous pulmonary infections, including pneumonia, which often proves fatal in AIDS patients.

Studies further suggest that marijuana is a general "immunosuppressant" whose degenerative influence extends beyond the respiratory system. Regular smoking has been shown to materially affect the overall ability of the smoker̢۪s body to defend itself against infection by weakening various natural immune mechanisms, including macrophages (a.k.a. "killer cells") and the all-important T-cells. Obviously, this suggests the conclusion, which is well-supported by scientific studies, that the use of marijuana as a medical therapy can and does have a very serious negative effect on patients with pre-existing immune deficits resulting from AIDS, organ transplantation, or cancer chemotherapy, the very conditions for which marijuana has most often been touted and suggested as a treatment. It has also been shown that marijuana use can accelerate the progression of HIV to full-blown AIDS and increase the occurrence of infections and Kaposis sarcoma. In addition, patients with weak immune systems will be even less able to defend themselves against the various respiratory cancers and conditions to which consistent marijuana use has been linked, and which are discussed briefly under "Respiratory Illnesses."

Is it Job or is it Home?

Am feeling tired of this age group in me, bored of mental state and annoyed of this job. Actually all thia is about job but its paying...its paying my bills and its making me stay active. I hate 9 to 5 style job, and love to have something of my own...but its a new country, yes after 13 months its still new and it bother my life. I want some purpose and some happiness in my work, be it production, styling or anything. This job at veoh is no happinessa dn it sucks. I have noone to share my problems with and I have no one to keep me relaxed.

Situation at home is not evry happy and relaxed either and it sucks more than job. Atleast at work I am myself, quite and doing somthing which am required to do...but I dont even know what I do at home...'HE' is same as usual...hard human to please and stupid man to understand. I cant write more here about this...I cant.

I need to work and live, but now meanings of living are changing and almost gone from my hand.

I want to sit quietly and think about my own self which is more than impossible thing for me, atleast at this point of my life.


I have been waiting for a job since the day I have arrived in America and I have tried where and what not to get a simple fucking job, I worked for free so that I can make connections and get some more work and I have worked on unwanted jobs, worked thru agencies and applied for many many jobs which sometimes don't even interest me, but result I was jobless, So I started making a documentary on my own, which did helped me calm down but again I need money to do lots of things and I need people to work for me and help me doing things as I don't know how to edit and write in so called proper way.
I have been trying to learn editing and guess what I am able to at least capture and choose the clips (yes, I never went to film school) I enrolled to learn editing in Adult community school and it is not costing me much either, but now I have got a offer for one month's gig. Its not paying great but not bad either. Now I cant attend community school cos its interrupting my job...weird for me thought do understand the basics of it. The funniest part is this that my job is for month or month and half and school is for month and half too. I don't want to drop anything out of these two, don't know what to do also, but guess this is what its all about.



Hey friends, family, Enemies and Loved ones,

I finally have made a documentary which is very close to my heart and we are in post production. Do not forget to check Defining America and leave comments and rating. I need ya all right here right now!!!



I love Sour Apple Martini and I have always enjoyed, its smell and taste. And I hate washing dishes. One day I saw a dish soap with the smell of Sour Apple, I thought, may be this will help me washing dishes more often and I will be regular at washing dishes...I bought it and used it many times. I liked it actually.

Next time when I went to a bar and I order my favorite Martini, it smelled like my dishes!!!

I still am washing dishes and ordering black label instead cos no one will make a soap with the smell of Scotch.


My Links


My cats are so much fun and like any other cats they love to sit at the window and look outside, so whoever passes by my window makes sure to stop by and talk to them for a second.
I have a family in my neighborhoods that have a cute 2 years old daughter and she visits my house all the time to play with cats. One day she came with another girl, 2 or 3 years older than her and they played for sometime and left. Later that Day small girl's Mom told me that it’s her step daughter Kathy, who came to play with baby girl. I nodded and moved on...
Today that big girl, Kathy came and played with my cats and she brought over her family friend to my house...they both were playing with cats and talking to me. Kathy's friend was trying to explain me that how much she love cats and now she may wont be able to play or live with cat, because her father is moving to another house....the moment Kathy heard that her friend's father is buying a new house, she took her to corner and said....what are you saying...and immediately at that moment her friend looked at me, looked back at Kathy and said," NO, NO THEY ARE NOT SEPARATING, DON'T WORRY...BUT I AM SURE THEY WILL ALSO SEPARATE ONE DAY..."
It took me hours to get back to my life...they were just 5-6 years old girls and they have seen a life...A LIFE FULL OF NO-LIFE


I am smart and dynamic personality, born in Punjab, India some 30 years back and have been living healthy and safely in the Media and Television Industry for 15 years. I know living is hard especially when you want yourself to work and live by your rules, when jobs are a problem and food is expensive...but again but...trying is the best part of living, isn't it?

I started my journey in theatre over 15 years ago by working as small characters for a theatre group my brother use to be involved with. I soon found that I love this art form. I start growing, living, eating, sleeping and feeling dramatic arts(read Acting). I joined a theatre group in college and my all teachers start getting uncomfortable with my attendance (I was attending rehearsals more than my classes). My other love, Oil Paintings(my major subject), still stirred some feelings inside so I finished my study and graduated with a major in Paintings (I don't paint anymore, don't even know why...) Then came the time to do something with life but maybe I was scared of working in the real world or I loved acting so much that I took up Post Graduation in Dramatic Arts and lived it to fullest for two years. After that I still wanted to know more I went off to NSD(National School Of Drama, New Delhi)It was hard to get a scholarship and admission but I did it! After three years of living life in hostel while doing all that I always wanted to do(acting, directing, producing, background work, art direction and what not) I finally came out to the real world where I had to struggle for my Identity...I'm still struggling and I guess I will keep struggling until I reach that point where I get to hold an OSCAR in my hand. When I reached Mumbai aka Bombay, on the west coast of India, I tried and cried for good work as an actress and I got it too. I worked and learned a lot about the Bollywood Industry for 4 years when I met a guy form Chicago and we seriously fell so badly in love that to get back to our life we needed to get married. We started a production company called FEARLESS PRODUCTIONS in Mumbai and did lot of television commercials, infomercials and print ads. On the side I worked as an Office Assistant to Producer to Director and sometimes actress too. It gave me satisfaction and a life of my own. Fearless is "The baby" for me and my Husband, Snehal Patel who is writer/ Director( We both needed some change in our monotonous life, a hunger to do better and have more money in our hands. It was Snehal's idea to move to USA and we came a few months back to Chicago first and L.A. later to achieve our dreams and grab what we want and what is ours. I am enjoying and having fun while being in USA and living life on my own about some info about you now...leave a mark and I will surely get back to you.

Who I'd like to meet:
Those people I have never met. Those humans who believe in hard work, love faith and humanity. Those film makers who have reached there before me. Those Writers who have better ideas than me. Those people who have potential to become my friends. Those Documentary Film Makers who have and been trying to change and aware our world. And last but not least, those friends whom I miss here in USA.

My love for books came from my father who is ready to read anytime and love to get books as gifts. I started my readings with heavy novels written by Shankar and Bimal Mitra, both Indian(Bengali) writers and then I started reading poetry and fiction... basically I have read almost every book in Hindi language, written during 70s, 80s and 90s...I love Biographies(Gossip you know) Khushwant singh is one of my THE FAVORITE writter and now a days am reading Maximum city written by Suketu Mehta. I read in English and Hindi both languages so if you want to gift me any book, dont hasitate...I would love to get a new Fiction or Novel. Kite Runner is my favorite book these days. AND I love to read romance and I seriously have read all Sidney Sheldon's and Many of Harliquiens...but thats for fun only...timepass

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