No one wants to hear the sound of crying, weeping and sadness. No one likes to see tears, sad and dead faces. Not even my own pillow…many a times it has refuses to absorb my tears, and I end up crying alone in other corner. I trust that crying is not always an emotion to express just sadness, breakup or pain, but also an emotion, which indicates that we can feel the happiness, pain and hard times. It shows that we still have humanity, and emotional touch with our selves and with world. I cry, sometimes hiding inside myself, sometimes in open and I still do get lost in my own when I am sad or when I feel failure. Sadness is no fun, its true, but I am happy that I can live and feel sadness unlike many, I am happy that I feel like a normal person.
I was talking over emails with 'J' about sadness, he mentioned that "sadness is there in his body, in his heart" I related to that. I do have sadness in my body and in my heart, but luckily I have come to a point where I am able to switch off my sadness when I don’t have time to live it or simply say can't feel it, and then sometimes, I live that same sadness, when I need to keep myself occupied.
I am happy that I have reached to this point. It wasn't easy, it was not a piece of cake, it wasn't living, and it was hard to face my own self, it was annoying to see my own strong personality crushing and running to the person, I shouldn't be with. It was killing me, when I was weak and when I was alone. It was harsh on my mind and on my body. Loneliness brought me nothing, but a special way to be with myself, to accept my own personality. I learned to accept my faults, I learned new way of expression and I made new agendas for my future. I am happy and proud where I have reached today, even after the path was not easy; important is that I reached here…
On the other hand if I would have chosen the path of hiding the emotions and running away from sadness, I probably would have been living in sadness till today, without any improvement; and then I would have been ended up in sad and crappy moments of life. I am not the person who can live in same kind of emotions and same kind of situations if I am not very content with self, so I try to find new paths and new ways to find peace with in self, peace with the world around me.
It all started at the end of August, when one fine day, I talked to myself, “Girl, take the final decision and then DO NOT look back.” It took me a bit of time to take the decision, but when I did, I did my best to follow through. I have a strong will power and I used my will power to stop me from looking back. I cried day and night: I felt sadness in my heart and body; my ears wanted to hear HIS voice; my eyes wanted to see HIS face; my body needed HIS touch, but nothing was MINE anymore.
Time came when I started calling my girl friends, when I wanted to call HIM, I went dancing when I needed HIS touch, and when I was depressed and alone at home, I painted, I wrote anything to everything, but I didn’t look back. I tried to find the corner of that rope which was tied to HIM. When I felt my chest is heavy, I started writing even more and then more; I pushed myself to let go of HIS thoughts by praying and meditating. It took me really long and harsh time to overcome the love I felt for HIM; it took me months to accept my own touch instead of HIM touching my body; it took me days and days to finally hear the music of life instead of HIS voice…but I finally reached somewhere, where HE wasn’t near my thoughts...I am here today, not finished living the past but I'm more than 60% on this side, which means I am growing, I am progressing. This progress is precious for me, and for my future.
After writing all this, now I am wondering why I had questions like, "Where and why did I run away from my sadness? Why I didn’t face my harsh days?” After writing only I think I did face sad life, I did live moments full of broken, worn-out heart when I needed to, I did went through the tunnel of sadness when I was required to, now I have come over that and I find myself ready to ignore sadness for good, I am ready to push those bricks which were piled underneath me to help me stand on my feel by myself. I am now feeling and living happily and peaceful!