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a coversation with self....

Vim - I want to cry today.

~V - Go for it Vim, cry...open your heart and let it happen....

Vim - I think it was a wastage of my time, my energy and my resources.

~V - You are right, but mind it...Vim, you are strong. Letting go isn't that easy.

Vim - Did I really let him go?

~V - Yeah baby, you did...

Vim - Oh cool. I am not expected to be nice to him anymore, right?

~V - Yupp, no responsibility.

Vim - But I liked him a lot.

~V - Its alright, he didn't....or may be he did, even if he did don't care about it anymore cos this care does matters in your life dear.

Vim - Yeah, you are right V

~V - Chalo whatever happens, happens for a reason, or for a season.

Vim - he sent me an email...I shredded a tear...

~V - good, you need to let go more....

Vim - I'm trying....damn, I can't even try any longer.

and the conversation carry on...and on and on....

Girl Friends - One

Nah!!! its not about one girl friend, its one of the issues I am facing with being around girls...aagggrrhhh!!!

Before I start on to any other issues, let me give you all (whoever) one advice: NEVER EVER GET PLAN TO GET DRUNK WITH A GIRL FRIEND WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT UP...okay I was told that my pre-birthday party is getting planned...I was excited as usual. I was getting attention and then finally a plan according to my week...yippee but hey, no one RSVPd and we were left with two girls at the end, one who was organizing and another me, your truly - the birthday girl...

Anyways, we went to get Beer and wine from store, where really hot sexy guys tried to hit on us and kind of asked us out to drink with them...we ignored so cutely that I almost felt proud on self and my girl friend...Finally, we decided on beer and wine and gave funky look to those guys and bought our stuff. We reached home, and got the call that this girl friend's close friend (who could have been a boy friend at one point) is going to join us for a beer or two..."awesome", I said and she made a nasty face..."well, he introduced you to me, so I guess it is alright", I said. She didn't say anything...He came, we had beer and he left after listening to long talks and arguments of putting him down....I was speechless. It was my place, my pre-birthday party, and guess my friends too...

After he left, that nasty look turned in to a crying baby look. Here she goes...I thought and I wasn't wrong. She finished the whole wine bottle in few minutes and b the time I could think of anything,she was cursing and cussing this friend of mine, for choosing a girl who is from his choice...yukk..."shut up", I thought...but she didn't. Two hours of drinking went to shit...cos it was brought back to un-buzzed feeling followed by lectures,which I heard many times, and also moments which are not different from last time's expressions...great!! here goes my pre-birthday drinking night!

Insomniac!

I cant sleep, actually I am refusing to sleep...I have no idea why, but may be I am not confessing the reasons to myself...I should be sleeping at this time, its almost 3 and when I have to be up to get ready for work at 5.45 - 6.00 am...

let it go V...letting it go is not easy but easiness follows it.

HE feels good about something, and right away HE start feeling guilty about feeling good. Dear, this in your mind set to feel bad for yourself!

Start letting it go...

???

Some people don't deserve second chance, but then who am I to decide? Well I think I should decide because, I am the same person who give the chance to this jerk, who I invited to be part of my life, whatever way...

I should not think weirdly about him anymore and I should concentrate on fun parts of the evening, rather than sad after thoughts....grrrr...

Vim....let go!!!

Tattoo - the same ink thingy on skin, I used to dislike. For me, it was a way to kill the beauty of clear and clean skin. Right now I love looking at tattoos; I enjoy detailing of tattoos. Okay, I am changing; my thoughts are changing for few things in life, cause I am enjoying exploring new ways to look at things. Before I never paid attention to the feeling of keeping a memory in this way, I never imagined living a moment in it, I never loved the details and fantasy of having that ink printed on my skin. I am the same person, but something inside me has changed and I am looking at the world with more acceptances, with open heart. Right now, I am so crazily excited to get a tattoo on my skin, that it’s hard to put the excitement in words.

First time, the excitement of tattoo felt like a wave inside me, about a month ago, and then I killed the excitement with my own judgmental thoughts. About a week ago, when I went to a meditation class with 'J' I felt that feeling again. I couldn’t control the feeling and shared with J at the end of the class. He was the only one available around me, who I was familiar with or may be because he has his arms full of tattoos or maybe I thought he will understand my thought; maybe he did understand or maybe not, who cares! Well he did think it was a funky idea for me, which I guess it was.

Moments spent in meditation brought memory back from the days of my yoga and meditation sessions from back home: open parks, early mornings, and many old people; with lots of love and care in their eyes. I missed Chandigarh, and Silvi Park. This meditation was relaxing; I thoroughly enjoyed it, maybe because it was distraction from normal schedule. I felt my heart racing and at peace at the same time. While my eyes were closed, I saw images of my old life, including my life in India and the moments with my ex-husband, and then I saw the best moment out of all, of leaving him, also the way I came out of that marriage. Seeing that strong moment of a strong self took me to another level of meditation.

I was still lost in that moment when I heard bell…time was up! I opened my eyes, in front of my blurry eyes; I saw many faces, many bodies, mostly full of tattoos. I moved my head to right, towards ‘J’, he was smiling as usual, and then I noticed his arms, un-counted tattoos. I missed the feeling of strong moment of strong self, and that very moment, I decided to stamp a tattoo on my body, for the very first time. I felt good about the feeling of living, sharing and showing that hidden strong person in a little signage … Does this sound cheesy? Not to me, but probably it is cheesy for many of my acquaintances...

~V

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