Ghungroo - The Bells

Ways to go…

Before I touch the sky

Ways to go…

Before I hold you in my hands

Ways to go…

Before I step up there

Ways to go…

Before I find life

Before I get a chance

Before that moment is here

Inside me….Within me…

Ways to go

Before I fulfill you my dream!


Vim @ Taft house, LAYN Dec 15, 2008
Last day of semester...
Copyright © 2008 Vim

Stare

Fear

Apprehension

Scare

Shame

Touch

Doubt

Hope

Faith

Every hit
Every Slap
Every step

I felt
Emotions

in same sequence
same way

every time
every rhythm...

This was THE marriage.

Copyright 2008 © Vim

Today is Friday, November 21, 2008 and it is probably, a usual Friday for everyone and anyone, but it’s not that usual for me. I am going to sign my divorce papers so it gets file with the court on Monday. I know, I have been waiting for this day with hopes and with tears in my heart, but then I have no regrets, that this day is here. It had to come, so here it is. Today, it’s not black Friday, it has all shades in it, all colors are here, in equal amount, so it is a white Friday to me.

I wrote a lot in last year and half. I learn a lot with and without you. I managed my life, with my approach in last two years. From the day of moving to USA to today, life is not same anymore; my plans for life distorted, my ideas for being myself altered and I am a lot with peace and happiness. I, now have the power within me to live with relaxation and acceptance of personal self and acceptance of situations between you and me. I have more passion for living, much more drive to do a lot in life. I now have someone inside me, one happy and clear person, whom I lost somewhere, with you.

I am happy to be away from you. I am happy to have met you once in my life. I feel good that once you were my spouse. I am once again someone of my own in my life. I am able to accept for whatever you were to me; however you were with me and to yourself; yet I am thankful to you for encouraging me and my life. I do miss your intelligent existence in my life; although I am accepting life without you. I am optimistic for future. I am doing what is in my reach and I am able to manage, what I need, but I will never ever stop the search of better VIMMI in my life, the improved human within me, and the unsurpassed of my own hidden self.

Hopefully, you realize what you did to me and as I can just hope, so hoping that you never do this to anyone. I also hope that you move on in better life and towards better self, towards being the better human, not just the better filmmaker.

And yeah, thanks for breaking my many illusions, such as better actors are always better humans, better husbands are always nice people and the most important; to become a great filmmakers, one need to have better humanities.

Love to myself, hugs to you & self and hopes for both!

VJ
(A happy human, a peaceful divorcee)

The space between
you and I,
showed me the way...
the way to my own self
my own heart...

Today I have found,
myself
after long wait of
lost
and
found......

you were missed Vim.....


Copyright 2008 Vim

Lost in Horizon,
Your numb eyes...
I stared into them profoundly,
Found a picture of mine.

Lost in Horizon,
Your cherry lips...
I touched them,
Felt myself in it...

Lost in Horizon,
Your body - your skin...
I just looked at you,
You entered into my spirit…
Compound into my life.


Copyright 2008 Vim
At Taft house, LAYN.

The quest of touching,
Your lips…

That eagerness of your hands,
on my waist…

Those half closed eyes
Looking for someone else...

That rush feeling inside,
to finish it off…

or to start
a new I in you...

the UN-touched,
touch of emotions..

that lost me who
did find you...

BUT....

It wasn't you,
It was a dead dream…

Waking up,
Taking shape,

Living UN-me
To fill nd kill the moment!
To be someone
UN-known!

Copyright 2008 Vim

I speak...I speak to self,
tells it to write,
Self refuses - Wants to stick,
to the old sites...
I question, question to self,
Asks - Why? Why not?
Self says - Life is harsh,
to the little ones - they get no right!
They have to sulk in,
and sleep alone and tight!

I am confused!
Asks 'him' - didn't I feel you in me,
inside - the other day?
Didn't I cry for you,
On that Thursday?
Didn't I pray before...
before I aborted you...
my little self.


Copyright 2008 Vim

I am happy, surprised and a bit high right now. I am learning English writing for writers now a days. I shared my few poems with my teacher Nancy Shifrrin, a poet and writer herself. This is what she wrote back to me:

I'm enjoying your poems immensely. Your feelings are deep and well-expressed. You really communicate. There are places where your images are especially strong and fresh, for example:

If I Die
"you will remember me forever/but only in albums/life will still run/like a roaring engine"

Story of a Girl
"People say she is a pill now/who cures others' sickness/she is a fruit now/ who fills others stomachs/and she is a tissue now/who wipes others'
tears"

Keep free-writing to develop strong concrete images which will illustrate your feelings and cause the reader to see things in new ways.
"Story of a Girl" is the strongest of these poems because the turn toward the end causes the reader to feel and think more deeply.

We want your unique poems to be supported by great skills.

Best, Nancy

Life is not same without you
in my life
life is not the way it was
in my life

its what should have been
years ago
years after
in my life

I love living......
without you
in my life..

Copyright © 2008 Vim

Celebrate
a new day
a new life
a new face
a new self...

Celebrate
emotions
happiness
desperation
persistence
loneliness


Celebrate
touch
taste
feel
sight
smell

Celebrate
the world
the self
the smile
the cryings
Celebrate being yourself...
Celebrate being V....


Copyright©2008 Vim

Emotions are nameless...
I see them, talk to them
I feel them, I hold them...
I call them...I ignore them
I cry for them...I want them

But still...I can’t live them
When I want to
I can’t see,
When I wish to
Emotions...oh Emotions
You are nameless...tameness
and for me
you are always there, but you are
time less...

Copyright © Vim

I met with Horizon today
Calm, Still and Quite
i asked - He is dead, and you are so calm, so serene?
How can you...???

Horizon said - I see, I feel, I touch
the world,
from world's end!

I see, I feel
what is gone
& How its done!

I see
many coming in,
more going away...

I learn,
I learn..
to live - forever...
with love I get,
with care I give...
I live in hearts for ever!
I hold the love inside me...to be serene!!!

Camy, You are missed - by many friends, Co-workers, neighbors and the most by your family...for whom you are and you were the world!

Copyright © Vim

There was a time I wanted to run away from everyone in life...from parents, friends so I can just be on my own, work and work and work on my own and have a crazy fast paced life. Then time came when I wanted to be with one and all...I was lucky to be on my own in life and then with friends and family when I wanted to. From the day I stepped in to college in India, I have been working non stop. I worked and worked and worked...and yes I enjoyed working alot. I had the most fun in stressful moments, hard moments...to solve problems and to win over depression, sadness and failure. That was the time. Well, I used to refuse work sometimes & sometimes I used to curse people for giving so little of money for so big of a job...and theater!!! AH, those were the best days of my life. I had fun working as an actress and as director of plays. People used to come for my plays, to see me acting, to see my direction...then I got bored of everything.

I wanted a relationship, a love life and a family. I wanted to have someone, someone of my own...who I can call MY LOVE! I got relationship, love and a small family. I became dependent on my love, my relationship and the baggage of my dependency was too heavy for my love and his behavior was too much for my independent soul. The love, the relationship, the family, it all broke in to pieces and I was shattered. I found myself sitting on a footpath one day with no life, no motivation and no fun...I am still sitting here, on a strange road..waiting for the opportunity to come in front so I can grab it...although I know it well that opportunity don't go to people, people have to grab it. Lekin mujhe kabhi dikhti kyun nahin yeh opportunities in the country of golden opportunities? Worse is I dont enjoy any work, anything right now...be it reading, studying or even simple things like eating, cooking etc.

I have been going crazy to find solutions, and to find ways out. I am tired of looking for purpose of life, the motivation of living...the madness and boring life is the worse part. Right now, the path seems very blurry in front and it looks like I am not going on right path and worse is it seems same way, almost everyday, I feel depressed...tired of fighting with self, finances and emotions....I NEED to go back to see my family and friends so I can feel the need to live and feel the motivation...but I don't know what stops me here, what says don't go...what makes me stop!

Enough of crying! I want to just change one thing in my life....finances right now. I was never a materialist person but my experiences have taught me the need and love for money. The money can give me the life I am looking for right now. I know its so materialist, but hell ya!! what is not materialist now a days? If I have money I will have less time to think crap and if I have money I can take my own decisions...simple. End of story!

Ok, I am in hurry so I will write about my proper topic, which is given by a friend...when I will comeback tonight...ooppss, ya I am going out tonight, not to club (wish I was going to club) but to a friends place to watch a movie, YES!!!! Hindi movie and some yummy food.

Ok let me write about clubs when I have started the topic myself!

I hated going to clubs in India, reason was simple...people stare at you for being what you are, they cant digest you wearing nice cloths and worse they use each chance to touch your body parts (any part possible) I remember going to clubs with few friends and then with HIM and it sucked big time.
I love clubs here. At least most of the clubs here are fun. Reason is again simple: Here sex education, as well as sex is available normally (I mean it, its truth) and that make guys behave normal not desperate and obnoxious. I know my friends will say that I have become American but then I want them to experience it. Once you experience this atmosphere you realize the difference.

I went to a club recently, and that sucked big time for me. That club was in west LA... when its west LA, it means it is around gay/lesbian area...(yeah area are pretty much define all over the world, we all are rational to each other) So in this club, called '11' there were tons of lesbians and gays and all were suckers. I love those people who are not too much in to public display of affection (PDA) They were making out in public and they were weird, annoying and seriously crazy. Or at least I felt so. I don't mind people choosing gay or lesbian as their sexual orientation but then don't behave weird and make out in public man!

I knew it was a Indian style party so I expected people with similar looks and faces as me, but I found weirdos :( there were many nic epeople too and music was kind of okay so it was not really crappy otherwise I would have left in few minutes... :))

Anyways, most of guys were hitting on me and my friend (well, decent way) and then tried to dance with us, but I wasn't ready to dance with anyone and everyone so I chose myself to dance with me and in club I danced alone, although many guys wanted to dance with me. I did simple thing, dance a step with them and then change body position and dance alone...it works :P

Anyways alot I have said and alot is going on right now!!! R is going to kill me if I am not ready in 5 minutes when she reach here. I am off here, talk to you guys later.

S. topic for today - Gays and lesbians...your theory about them and your views.

SA - you have to finish old one so go for that...

I will write my topic most probably tonight or two topics tomorrow. Leave me a topic.

Hugs and love

Sometimes talking to strangers and statues is so easy...so fun and so relaxing!

I don't talk to statues, but if I call my laptop a statue then yes I do...all the time, all day and all night. And ya, my cellphone - as its a blackberry so I talk to the person on other side..not on other side on phone line but on other side of email, chat etc! I talk to them all day and all night. Sometimes I want to throw the phone, laptop and all I have and go in jungle, Himalayas or where ever and live connection less, connection free...in this world of communications! I want to talk to trees, statues and mirrors..ask all the hidden Qs and ask all the rotten moments! I want to do it!

oh well!!!

I once talked to few statues. I used to live close to academy award building and in their front yard, there are few statues of famous people. I know few of them and few of them are just names for me (there names are mentioned on the statues)

Long time back, HE behaved himself with me and I had to leave the place, and then I went to this academy award building. I sat there, cried for hours and asked many Qs to all the statues...but got no reply, I replied for them to myself. The decision was made but emotional power was missing. Those statues are like my friends now...as whenever I pass by them, I wave them a small Hi.

I am not a crazy person but a loner. A loner, who needs people to talk to, people to understand her and people who she can trust...I trust NO ONE, result I have friends which are either fake or friends for surface. The real friends of mine are so far that I am not sure if they are friends anymore...or they are loners like me!!!


V.

I came from flowers shop and excitedly made a painting in hardly few minutes...well, my hands still have color as I type here. After I finished it a bit...I called HIM and told him that I have made a painting and want to gift it to you... He asked me, 'why are you obsessed with me?" I didn't understand why would HE think he has something in him that I would like to be obsessed with him?

Well truly, I saw him today morning and I took his shirt to wear; I do have a lot of shirts from HIM, but it was one crazy action, which I didn't think about. After I came back home, I saw that shirt on my bed...I smelled it, it still has HIS smell in it...I felt weird and told myself to focus on myself and my life, and to stop thinking about HIM, so I started painting...and made my painting called 'FOCUS'.

I wanted to gift it to him cos he is the one who made me loose my focus and he is the one who is (virtually) making me focus on my life back again...I did loose five years but I am not as crazy and sad about it as I was before. I just wanted to share happiness and laughter and my creativity with him but....THIS IS WHAT LOVE MAKES YOU!

I am not the one who can shut creativity off and on, I guess I do need to learn the ways of so called elite and outside upper class world!

I am still happy and excited that I am painting....

How easy it is to put someone down and hit, how easy it is to make some one feel low, so low that they loose their confidence, their ability to work and to think beyond a point, how easy it is to blame somebody...For the four and half years I was kept thinking that it was me who was wrong, it was me who provoked HIM so he hit me, put me down, insult me...but actually it was not me at all...it was someone else, the same person who did all those acts, those moves..it was HIM..and I was constantly harsh on myself for no reason. He ruined my beautiful moments, made me go through depressed life, sadness and weirdness of self, even after that I gave my life to him, my mind to him...if I did whatever was possible for me to do, to please him, to keep him happy...to keep us together but....

He said his childhood was fcuked up cos of the way his parents behaved with him and the way they raised him, but then why was I getting punished, why was I getting hitting, blames and garbage from you? Why? If I wasn't the one who ruined his childhood, then I should not get the results either, isn't it?

Today your same parents are blaming me for breaking off the marriage (yes the same one which had not even a moment of married hood in it) Those same parents are enjoying the life the way they want it, they get love and respect from you the way they want and you get all the showers of love, money and success from them and others...where is my share of happiness? where is my share of love? where is my share of money? where is my share of life? I got nothing but the tears, cos I married you? is this is the share, the half-half of marriage? If I have to take half debt and half Pays then I am eligible of half happiness, success too...isn't it?

I have told him today that if HE wont file the divorce papers in 3 days then I will file it...cos now am over it, I am done with you and your life....I know he is scared of laws, and of me speaking up for self but I have had it...and I have had HIM.

VJ

I was working on a video today and I was DP - Director of Photography. I was excited and happy to have the paying gig and on top of that with 2 of my favorite people in the world, Eric and HIM...but I guess I should stop working with these people from now on. They both love me and I love them a lot. I missed the feeling of being the independent one when I worked with HIM, its always been like this but I still work with him cos he knows what is he doing and why is he doing and I enjoy that professionalism in him and Eric is such a nice guy that he will not say a word unless and until something is really bothering him.

I am sad cos by working with my ex I gave the permission to let him treat me the way he used to treat me before I turned his ex. I know it clearly that he is the one who treat woman nice and who is a extremely sweet person when it comes to girls...specially sexy looking ones. If there was someone else but me was the DP then he would have been nice and sweet, but he wasn't...oh well.....gone is gone - learn from the lessons.

I enjoyed the day working on the skills I learned sometime back and getting paid for it. I was an actress and this is how I started my media life...I turned into the owner of a company called Fearless...I was great at that position cos I know how to be leader. I was a bad producer when it comes to doing tons of things on my own but in few months I learned tricks and shortcuts - by working on things and commercials. I became a wonderful person who knows her stuff. Slowly slowly I learned how to read and write a script. I became a writer for my own stuff...and then came the time to learn technical stuff and I learned a voice recording, camera and lighting...and a bit of editing too... The time came when I was proud to call myself "Film Maker" and yes I made small time shorts etc....but after moving to USA I couldn't find anything which can satisfy me...I became useless and free...it took me months to decide I don't want to be with the the guy who is my husband...and who is an ass. It took me long time to come to terms with working for cheap money and adjusting into that, then came the time when I started understanding my skills again and I bounced back...am still bouncing slowly slowly but I have tried and am on it....going on and on and on!!!

Need love and blessings from friends!!!

I guess am done ranting...raving!


VJ

I want to paint...
I want to paint,
unwanted, unknown, unnamed painting
painting which has no meaning
which need no relations
which has no feelings
which has no answers
which is my own
which is inside my self
which is my outer world

I want to paint that...

I want to put the colors
in the Midst of canvas
throw some brush strokes
feel some textures
smooth some lines
remember some faces..

I want to paint that...


I will paint,
my life..my pain, my happiness
I will paint
my imagination, my desires, my hopes
I will paint
my success, my failure, my satisfactions

I want to paint that...


I want to paint...
unnamed,unwanted, unknown painting of
my self.....


Copyright © Vim

I started believeing in this phrase same way I used to believe years back, same way I believed for years, for self and for others and I am proud that I still can have faith in me and in my little secret of love.

The little secret is :

"You don't destroy the one you love...!!!"

Happy to be loved once and happy to love the world...

VJ

I grow
one day older
one day older, but
one year smarter

today I am,
one year smarter,
one year smarter, but
one century of self came in me...

today,
I am what I wanted to be

today, I am
free
happy
lonely
relax
and soulful,

without you in my life...

Copyright © Vim
June 16, 2008
mid-night

I was watching a short film on you tube...I was surprised to see how so many people just die or say commit suicide for pretty much no reasons, what so ever. I cant understand how they can be okay with not to see or feel the life, how is it even possible for someone to end the life, their own life. I do understand the hard time they must be going through and they probably are feeling the weirdest moments of life, probably when they are low or when time is not in their favor and probably they are living those moments when it seems like everything of life is harsh & against them, even then, still, how can someone just end their life?

There are many moments in my life have come and I face and feel that I am living for pretty much no reason, and then all of a sudden something inside me tells me that look at this life, this beautiful world, so many lovely things, places and many things which I have not seen or experienced, and then sometimes I just look for a reason OR sometimes someone close to me just gift me that reason...and I look at my life and find it so meaningful, so wonderful and so vulnerable.

I am surprised to know and see that its so easy for so many people to give up on life, their own life...are they not scared that when they will be dead, they are done...they cant come back...they cant see this world...there is nothing after you die...Gosh it scares the hell out of me that I will one day go away from this world and the world will keep running same way...but what scare me the most is someone killing their own self, own life, own dreams, own feelings...oh god!! bless those minds who r weak, bless those people who think life is nothing beyond today...bless those people my dear god....save them....give them power to rethink their decisions and help them to love their own selves and their precious life.

Well to be truthful, I have no idea for those reasons or harsh expressions where someone have to loose their life, but I do know that it is not what the ultimate power want you to do, otherwise you would not have got this life...otherwise you would have died in some geographical disaster...or something else...if you have to die you die naturally, not suicide. I don't believe in suicide and I am sure many of you also have no faith in this unnatural death....

VJ

I never expected that letting o would be that hard. I have to learn more about it now, to let go...I see him online everyday and I cant buzz him cos we will sign the papers soon. Soon we will be no one in each others life from husband and wife...I don't know if it sucks or not but it does hurt, too deep it hurts. I am sure it will get healed one day but right now I cant take the pain of this bruise. Even if I know that there was only one option left. I know it very well that more than drugs, violence and ignorance I need and deserve more...still letting go is the hard part, that too letting go of marriage and husband - oh well this is what life is...

VJ
May 27, 2008
17:10

I saw a dream two days back...Dream was weird and scary. This was mere a Dream and it was about the life after divorce;

One day he was mad at me and when I tried to stop him to get crazily angry, he pushed me and two days after he asked for sorry and took me onto some high freeway where it was all over the mountains and he wanted to have a quiet drive with me...and while driving he started the same talk again and when I argued my point he said I brought you here cos I am done with u but cant see u going with anyone, I don't want you to be someone else's girlfriend and I will not allow you to be someone else's person and then suddenly he took such a sharp turn and the Jeep went off the cliff and we both were in it...He in anger killed himself too when he just wanted to kill me only.........I saw myself getting killed.

And I was so scared...scared of him, his unpredicted behaviors and scared of your unpredicted reactions for me....and I woke up at 6.00 and couldn't sleep after that. I don't know how true this dream is in my life or will be, but I know for sure that he and his these kind of behaviors in past have brought me to the situations where I am so close to death and where I can see that this moment can become the very last moment of my life.

I am scared of him, and scared of his reactions and unnecessary behaviors. I lived my life for almost 4 years with this kind of fear in my head and heart and I refuse to live this life now on...I am moving on, I am moving along.

I miss you,
when I am happy
I am sad
I am busy
I am all alone
when I find a new thing
when I create
when I am curious
when I want to see the world
when I have money
when I am poor
when I am myself
and you are you
when life is beautiful
when life sucks


I miss you.......
I miss you at all parts of my life

but your one doubt,
one slap
one blame
one YOU
brings me back
to the same life
where I want to hate you
I want to kill you
I want to run away from you
I want to stay be away from you
where life sucks
where world breaks for me
where I am not I
and you are still YOU
then
I want to be more of myself
hard
harsh
& alone

Then starts the life of Missing you
when I am alone
when life sucks
when I hate the world
and when you are you...


and I am no more


I, me, mine and myself....


copyright © Vim
March 25th, 2008

I met this guy 5 years back...over the times things changed so much.....we saw so many changes in our life, personal and in each other. Changes which brought happiness and changes which meant sadness and finally a separation - of being with each other and of not becoming each other. I am most surprised thinking that 5 years is not too long of a time, its just 5 years...but at the same time it seems too long, when I am with him. Probably he has same feelings as my feelings, but truth is simple, no matter how much we love each other we do need more than LOVE to be with each other. I feel being someone who is not you is the hardest test a relationship can ever take. If you are successful in this test then you were able to kill your self and you were able to become someone who is not you, which means clearly that whatever a person in front is looking for has defiantly over powered you and you have lost your own self touch. I did felt that I have succeeded in that test and then I realized I want my own self more than anyone else's dreams getting fulfilled inside me. I started hating my own self and then came that time when I was able to say NO to that test, when I wanted to fail that test and when I became my own self...not there yet full fledged but I am on the way and its better than standing on different road and expecting and showing as if you are standing on other road.

Tiredness in life is not that big of thing. All do get tiredness and sadness and what not but truth is how many take charge of their own selves to go and walk on the road which belongs to you...ONLY YOU...

Think more and you might will realize I am correct and truth full...


Hugz to self..
VJ

Love is harsh
Sex is brutal


I found patience in Love,
we sat and talked for hours.
I felt Romance with him,
we walked along the beach.
his touch was precious,
Holding hands gave me strength.
His emotions were vulnerable,
I was scared of loosing him.
his feelings were special,
he was my love...
we loved each other...


We kissed
felt each other
made love
with time
he was gone
I was all alone
I could not feel him any long
he wasn't there for me
I wasn't for him
I woke up alone in the morning
Body was calm,
but mind was unrested

I asked my mind
what should I choose now...


Mind and heart came
together...said calmly
if you make love
for sex
you die for sex
and you loose the rest

but if you make love
for love
you live
and you die
for love

cos sex is brutal
love is immortal
Love may is harsh but
Sex is brutal



© Vim

Desire made me want him more
He listened to me and
kept me next to his chest,
holding me tight
I wanted to make love to him,
he holded me more tight
and loved me more
never to let go of me
I lost my patience
I kissed him
he kissed me back to assure
he is there..
I felt mad
he gave me peck on my cheek
then quietly he put me to sleep
& left..

I am now hoping he has left
to come back to me....
forever.


Vim

Loneliness
has started killing me
deep inside
I feel so left out
waiting for one thing or the other
&
still I am all alone...

Singing is still there,
but I have no listener
I still dance,
but no audience for me
There is a world within world
which is not mine anymore
I am not myself
its YOU
within me.

© Vim


Dated: Jan 10, 2008

I told myself Write, actually it relaxes me...but write about what? I dont want to write about what I am going through at this point of my life...reasons are tons but basic two reasons...I dont want to keep bragging about it and feel more bad about it and why to involve my blog in to it man....what for?

I am just so tired today that I am seriously off my head and body...I guess I should leave soon or I will feel worse soon. I am suppose to go to see Lunar Eclipse at Griffith park but I am so dead tired that I don't even feel like going any where...and sucks that I have no life if I have this job and if I don't have this job then life is not there any which way....

Well, I just need a new job and new life I guess....but who doesn't need a new life. I am sure almost every one in this world has some or the other problem....and they always dream about moving ot a new life which has may be less problems but relaxations and happiness....so does that mean we all have bad life and unhappy moments? Guess os......

I am off here....right now sleep in bus while going home sounds the best idea but only if I get the seat to sit.....


:D

I have been going to evening meetings in Rehab for outpatients at cri-help....with a very close friend of mine, who is unable to control drugs and anger in his own ways....as his body NEEDS it now(dunno how truth that is)

I met so many addicts in very first meeting...I felt worse when I found that they have taken help of Rehab many times and have gone back to the same situation, in a year or two or sometimes six years later...Situation goes more bad when you want to quit and your body doesn't let you.

I have been finding myself stuck at:

Why do anyone need to depend on "those" things in life?
Why cant some people get enough of life?
Why?
Why do they live deadly life and give that life to their loved ones too?

I feel sorry for myself as a close friend of mine is addict...may be we all do have friends who are addicts. I don't want to leave my friend in mid way cos I know he might will go back as soon as he will find himself alone and sad...AH!!! wish we had a possibility of switching on and off from bad things in life.


Wish!!!! We all could say No No No No I wont go to rehab, cos I am clean...cos I don't need it.

Once upon a time there was a little kid, a beautiful looking boy, healthy built - 7 years of age, curious and creative with and about everything available around him. He is always busy watching, observing, analyzing each thing around him...A naturally happy & curious kid.

His family was pretty small, One Little brother, Mom & Dad. His parents were always busy to make both ends meet. They were new in Unites States, so they were trying their best for achieving some better quality & standard of life.

One day his father came from work, he was tired and hungry. His wife told him to go to the grocery store & buy few things so that she could cook dinner for them. His father took him to the grocery store.young. This Kid, lets call him 'S' just wore his jacket and shoes and went with his father who, didn't want to go to the store, but he had no option, his wife had alot to do, clean the kitchen, fed the little one and then cook dinner for family. So in cranky mood his father went to grocery store. He picked few things in rush rush, and went and stand in line to pay for stuff. He was just wishing for line to be small, but in reality he had 10 people in front of him & PHEW!!!! Where is S - Shoot...He was worried, scared & uncomfortable, He did not wanted someone to call 911 & put him to jail cos he was in rush.

He suddenly noticed S, he was by magazine stand, looking at some magazine. He yelled in his native language & told S to come to him right away. S was so involved in one car magazine, that he could not hear anything. S was curiously looking at car pictures, engine pictures, front of car, back of car...WOW!!! that was a different world all together...He was in his own little world, the world of machines, beautiful pictures and he felt something on his arm, it was his father's tight hand. He came back to life, by his father who was shaking his body and asking him something....S didn't payed attention.

Abruptly, he put that magazine back & almost running behind his father. he reached to his car. He fixed his seat belt and made himself comfortable, but all of a sudden this car felt different from inside than those cars in magazine. S was trying to understand why is it different, but his father was interrupting with some words, he had no idea about what his father was saying in the background....S gave few reactions like, hmm, yeah haa, hun....and went back to his thoughts.

When he reached home, the first thing he noticed was exterior of his father's car. He was lost in the different shapes of cars. While he was lost in cars, his father lost his patience and gave him a tight slap on his back, pulled him from ears and almost pushing him inside the house, he took S to basement and locked there for few hours without food or water and came every hour, slapped him more, yelled at him more and was kept asking, "so will you do it again, tell me, would you not listen to me now, hmmm....."


S had no idea, what was happening with him & why...he just wanted to see cars, nothing else. He was still lost in his car world - he could not match his curiosity with all these slaps, insults & yelling. He felt like crying but he purposely didn't cried this time, cos after he cry, his father feel sorry for him and let go of him and he knew this satisfy his father's heart. S wanted to hurt his father's feelings, he just wanted to hurt his dad so much that he kept holding his anger inside and kept taking hitting until he fell asleep in basement....while holding poison of anger inside him.....S lived those kind of many many moments...and became a old man with that poison growing each day inside him.


That kid was my husband. I wish I could change things in past.

I wrote this poem somewhere without a thought, but now its bothering me as I cant complete it fully, if you think you can help me leave comment of changes you can do.....and will make sure I can change those portions:

I saw that girl
she was always
happy
laughing
enjoying
Living
cracking poor jokes


I was envious of her


She told me she is happy
She is flying in sky
she just have got married
She has found her real prince

I was happy for her


I saw her in market
she was looking sad
the moment she saw me she smiled
tried to show her happiness
all that was fake
but, She bought me a cake

I was surprised, wanted to say a word
but she went away like a bird


She was catching up a train
while her tears were over flowing
I saw her, it shocked me
I called for her name
She seemed pale
she didn't even looked back
I was standing alone on the rack


I was sad to see tears in her eyes


She went away somewhere
Don't even know where
for good or what
I missed her
her smile
her laughter
and poor jokes


She never came back
People says she is a pill now
who cure others sickness
She is a fruit now
who fill others stomach
and she is a tissue now
Who wipe others tears


I was speechless & sad
cos I lost her....


Next day she came in my dream
told me good you lost me
cos I go to those
who have pain & who cry
whose life sucks
& they think they can just
die...



Copyright © Vim

This poem is dedicated to my love of life, My husband...he knows why I am dedicating this to him, hope he like it:


if I die
I know you will cry
not fake not loud
but you will say
Thank you to God

if I die
I know you will cry
you will remember me for ever
but only in albums
life will still run
like a roaring engine.

I know you will shred some tears
and many of your fears
you will just pick
some of my cloths
and will develop new fears
while wiping old tears

I know you surely will cry
I will cry too
cos you let go of me
in the ocean of life
to save your life
and I let it go
to save your pride.


© Vim

I found myself
Stuck
at a corner of this world
the world which belonged to us.

I moved a bit
His emotion broke in to pieces
I tried to collect them
Sharp edges cut my self

I made changes in life
He seems blurry in front of my eyes
I tried to clean the eyes
There were tears of blood.

I wanted to go out
He became baseless
I tried to hold him back
Found myself loosing the earth...

Dear,
you & I
are a bound
made for each other
Sacrifices, Adjustments and Repression is for me
freedom, Living & Enjoying is in your bag.
We share everything, cos
We are made for each other.


Copyright © Vim

And life is moving
on & on
ahead of me & my world

I tried to catch it,
hold it tight in my hands
it just went out from small holes
as if it was a sand.

I tried to grab it,
saved it in bottle,
it flew away like a perfume.

I tried to push it in a box
it turned in to ash and
I am left with no life
No life
No life
No life...

Wish you were mine.


© Vim

I have made a new Friend....She is cute and Mom of 3...Lucky Debz...She love to express herself through words and write open poetry...She has written many couplets for me as well....I am putting some here.


A poem for Me, My Name:

One for you too VIMMI


V very pretty looking is she

I instant friend she can be

M making everyone around her happy

M merriment is her life

I is the natural real Vimmi


J just because you are so sweet and nice.



A nursery Rhyme on my name:

Little Miss Vimmi
Sat on her Bummy
thinking what to do

She then got up,
sat in her new car
and drove straight to the bar

At the bar she drank from a jar
an drove back home with damaged car!


© Debra

After so many years I am feeling too, infect over angry, I feel like either breaking something or crying out loud...so loud that this world come to an end....I am tired of this now, cant repress it any longer....cant take it any more, I want to cry it out cos I cant hurt anyone....I hate myself for keep taking it for so long...why am I so weak? Why? Why have I become more weaker? What kind of emotional love is this?

I should have taken a step 4 years back it self...why I kept taking it. This is not adjustment, this is violence against my own self. I am done...I need to do something otherwise I will die inside fully. I still have life which is keeping me up. Do I really have a life? I want to die sometimes...sometimes it kills me that I am taking it, its attitude so much inside me....I wish I could die. I wish..........

A friend of Mine wrote a beautiful Poem for me....I cant help it, have to put it p here....Thanks Debz...Love you.


I made new friend
at the end of last year
I will keep this friendship
until death does us apart.

She is a lovely friend,
one with fun,frolic in all
that she says
she lives a carefree life
although being married
She loves her scotch
and her two pussy cats.

I am happy I made her my friend
and to her I dedicate these few lines.

Happy New Year friend and lets
keep the ball of friendship rolling
forever and ever!


© Debra