Ghungroo - The Bells

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"If my relationship with her doesn't workout, I would love to be with you"

"I am not looking for a relationship, but if relationship happens, I would want to live it"

I didn't sleep last night, I just couldn't. Seriously, not even a minute of sleep and I am feeling fresh like a rose petal today. I am not trying to feel bad for myself or feel low for self here, but I want to understand the logic behind this weird feeling. What is it which keeps a person up and going for hours? May be anxiousness, Or may be dreams...

Last night, seriously, throughout, I was kept thinking about the responsibility I got on my head when someone told me that he/she likes me...Boy!!! Its a damn big responsibility on my head. It is a damn big image to save!

I think now I probably have to behave the way he/she like me to behave, but then I wonder why so? May be cos I don't want this person to not like me. Or may be I am worried that my real me (whatever that means) is unlike able. Or may be I want to shoo him away. Who knows - the anxiety is hard to handle.

Years ago,I was other kind of person, when I tried to please everyone...when I wanted everybody to like me...when I tried my best to love everyone I knew. This was possible but I think I wasn't at peace. This weird persona made me a strange human inside, because I was all of a sudden one personality in one group and another in some other group. I was the shine of my all friends parties and I was the one who used to be the life of group...but I know, I wasn't always truthful to myself, I wasn't always right. And if someone doesn't like me, I used to feel bad, anxieties used to kill me.... Only few years ago, I started working on not liking everyone and not to be liked by all.

Today I am a bit lost when this person tells me, "V, I really like you...I mean I don't know much about you, but as much as I know you...I like you!"

Phew!!!

He is probably 28 or 30 years old. Every time, I see him or I speak with him, he give me an impression as if life hasn't served him the way he wanted life to be there for him Or may be he is one of those fortunate people, who see the world in its different colors, shades and shapes .

He is a very cute and handsome guy, and may be smart too. Sometimes, I just feel like holding him in my arms and giving him a tight hug, the kind of hugs I got from my Papa, and while holding him tight, I feel like saying,"Everything will be alright, Trust thee...keep the faith, HE will help you get over the crap." But I can't even look into his eyes, cos I can't feel pity for him. I chose not to feel pity for anyone, but may be I still do.

I seriously wish I could hold him tight and stop feeling this emotion of maternity in me, and within my world! I wish I can accept the feel and the want to kiss him, and say,"everything will be alright...."

This sentiment of being the mother is still with in me, it is still helping me live with the emotion....which I aborted on Thursday, March 17, 1999.

tik tik tik
shoot the clock
kill the time
tik tik tik
Stop it!!!
stop itttt!!!
the emptiness of room
the silence of the crowded emotions
tik tik tik
the ocean inside is brewing
the eye lids are holding it tight
tik tik tik
stop the time
shut off this clock
the crowd is pushing limits
the mind of heart cant bear the silence
tik tik tik
I am again feeling it
inside me
out side me
the life........
walking past by me
tik tik tik


Vim copyright 2009

Life is not a story from Desperate housewives show, it cant be; but we all want to live that life. We all want a life, which has some troubles, more happiness and at the end of each episode or each day,all the troubles get disappear like a morning mist.

Life is not a sad moment, but its for sure is full of MOMENT....its full of memories.

Life is the actual catharsis of many films, and films are few chosan moments from life.

This moment of my life, to those housewives, who have a life, even if they are not desperate to be one's wife...

Overwhelmed me...

Uncanny me, but interesting we,

Unknown silence within us...

Unwanted touch of you on to my soul,

When you were never here in me...

When I felt you in my heart,

When I became...fun, but strange human

Who gave shapes to clouds

Who called names to creatures,

so to become the creator!!!

I created....

To find truth with in

To create images without you

in our soul for us!!!

Copyright © 2009 Vim

I am happy, I was strong. I am satisfied, I didn't feel fear. I am relaxed, I did thought of every single thing before I react on it.

Well, I met HIM last night, to discuss those so called papers, the same paper work, which says that two married people are not married any more. He was the same man, I married, same jerk, who hurt me whenever he chose to. And I was the same emotional fool, who still think that, I am in love with HIM.

Well as HE is what HE is, so he did get mad at me, and angry to the extend, where he hit the glass table with his fist & then threw the pen and paper - and to the level where he started calling me names. He always used to get mad, its not new for me, the new thing in new year was from my side. I didn't take his crap, didn't reacted to his anger and I didn't hide in a corner, hoping him not to notice me, and to bring that fist on my face.

Last night I was as emotional as I am, but at that point, I didn't cry seeing him going out of control, instead I hold my tears back and faced him, directly in to his eyes while my heart was pounding in my chest. I said, "calm down." HE is after all what HE is, so he didn't calm down, and I left - without a word, without a sound, without saying bye to cats, no warning and I was out of the door.

I cried for hours after that. I also cursed the day, I loved him more than myself; I called out; infect screamed out loud; all kind of names; while driving to unknown destination.

Few hours later, when I found myself at my apartment, I felt " I was home"
I called out to myself, "honey, I am home..."