Ghungroo - The Bells

I am struggling to write thousands of thoughts, but I stop myself. Musing satisfies me, but I stop myself. I want to say many words, many feelings, many thoughts to my dear friends, to those people I care for but I stop myself....just because I don’t want to offend someone and just because I know words leave hard, long lasting impression than our ignorance can. I do love many of my friends, I seriously care for them and will do whatever I can depending on the moment and situation...but I am NOT what all of the world always think I am...I am a person who has the right to change, I am a human who can be indifferent, and also a female who needs what she needs, simple.

Friends, I don’t want you to bear with me, if you don’t want to and same way I shouldn’t have to, too…

"Friend" I know something is bothering you, I am there if you want to talk about it and if you need a shoulder, but I am not going to be there when you insult me and when you behave rude to me because something else or someone else is bothering you...I am sorry...I wish I could say this on your face.

"Friend" I am happy for you to find a love of your life, but can I say that I am worried for you, as he seems a bit off beat? Sorry I can’t say it on your face....accept me as it is, please....

“Friend” I like hanging out with you, but sometimes you bore me. I don’t like people who are boring....can we stop hanging out for a while, so we can value each other more?

“Friend” you are awesome, I love your energy but I don’t like you freaking out and sending me crazy messages in response of my fun messages, or taking my messages as snappy thoughts for yourself...can I please ignore you for a while? Please...

“Friend” I know you have been busy for long time, but is it okay we go out for a coffee and just talk for sometime about the shits of life? Can you please take time off for me, please....few minutes? I know something is there which is bothering both of us, can we get over it and meet? Please...

“Friend” I am a girl. I like listening to flowery words and sweet appreciations when I ask how am I looking or if I look good in this new dress….I know you are a guy of direct talks, but can you please once in a while make me happy by saying some praises to me?

"Friend" I know we all girls are same way at the end and you guys are pretty similar kind of, but I am not looking for anything in you, beyond what we have today...can we please live in today instead of being worried with what will happen with our relationship in future? please dear...

and many messages, I want to post on to your pages my friends, say it on your faces my friedns. I wish I could, but if I say these, can we still be friends?

I love my every single friend. You all are my emotional support of life. You are my strength and you are the one....who I care for, more than my parents!!!!

Hugs, love, kisses, and much more....friendship is all I have....!!!

Thank you for being there for me...and my weaknesses.


Vim



***This post do not belong to any specific friend and belongs to all humans, who are friends to someone, somewhere, somehow!!!!***

I don't know what is going on, but something is going on, for sure, deep inside me. I sit in front of my laptop, try to type words, I am sometimes able to type few...they do look like words, but make hardly any sense in a form of sentence. I try to create new letters with new alphabets but they seem strange. I think its about time that I put my thoughts in to words, before they burst my head. I need to work on it and let go this feeling of 'let it go' from inside me.

I am trying, again, to live; to feel; to find; and to touch my own self. It seems just too hard to accept the numbness, the shock, of finishing an old life to the new unknown world of my own.

Vim
2009
Two weeks after the numbness first hit me....

Some ghungroo (bells) make beautiful noises, some ghungroo don't make noise, hence have no voice at all, and some other ghungroo have noise and voice, but no choice...they often are part of decoration on purses, key chains and other materialistic things...

We humans are exact same way...some are too noisy, who speak either a lot or they make noises by their expressions,observations and creativity. Some humans have voices but they don't use them, and live life quietly...holding every thought, every emotion inside, few of them are at peace and few are depressed. Some other humans are always around you and me, they have voices, and noises but no choices...they have thoughts but no one appreciate them for having thoughts and they are just piece of decorations. These humans are called wives, daughters, mothers and daughter-in-laws...

Vim

So here it goes...I rejected a guy, for whatever reason it may be, he felt insulted, and he rejected me in his own little way (though I felt sorry for him at that point more than feeling rejected...) Before he rejects me, a friend came in between and tried to clear the confusion and mis-communication. He lashes back on to the friend and said words which doesn't make much sense, but here is the reply to him, if he is reading...he will leave a comment.


cjb - Do you know why I married my husband? Because, he was able to break the norms and live a life on his own in India. Now whatever the reason he had to leave the US and go to India to live was,to hell with that, important is, he lived a life on HIS OWN. Yes buddy, my ex-husband actually lived a life on his own, making money on his own, without knowing the language of the country, or of the state he was living in, and he lived successfully 4+ years there...on his own. Truthfully, if anyone knows India, then that person knows it well that making average money in India is what is known as the successful living. The struggle is way too much and we don't have as many chances and options as you Americans...


For your kind information, English is my 3rd language NOT 50th, but lets see how many language You can speak? Spanish and English only? Well, every second person in LA speak these two languages...and...???????? Oh well.....

I can JUST hope that you can see and understand the world beyond US the A....

Vim

Vim - I want to cry today.

~V - Go for it Vim, cry...open your heart and let it happen....

Vim - I think it was a wastage of my time, my energy and my resources.

~V - You are right, but mind it...Vim, you are strong. Letting go isn't that easy.

Vim - Did I really let him go?

~V - Yeah baby, you did...

Vim - Oh cool. I am not expected to be nice to him anymore, right?

~V - Yupp, no responsibility.

Vim - But I liked him a lot.

~V - Its alright, he didn't....or may be he did, even if he did don't care about it anymore cos this care does matters in your life dear.

Vim - Yeah, you are right V

~V - Chalo whatever happens, happens for a reason, or for a season.

Vim - he sent me an email...I shredded a tear...

~V - good, you need to let go more....

Vim - I'm trying....damn, I can't even try any longer.

and the conversation carry on...and on and on....