Ghungroo - The Bells

There was a time I wanted to run away from everyone in life...from parents, friends so I can just be on my own, work and work and work on my own and have a crazy fast paced life. Then time came when I wanted to be with one and all...I was lucky to be on my own in life and then with friends and family when I wanted to. From the day I stepped in to college in India, I have been working non stop. I worked and worked and worked...and yes I enjoyed working alot. I had the most fun in stressful moments, hard moments...to solve problems and to win over depression, sadness and failure. That was the time. Well, I used to refuse work sometimes & sometimes I used to curse people for giving so little of money for so big of a job...and theater!!! AH, those were the best days of my life. I had fun working as an actress and as director of plays. People used to come for my plays, to see me acting, to see my direction...then I got bored of everything.

I wanted a relationship, a love life and a family. I wanted to have someone, someone of my own...who I can call MY LOVE! I got relationship, love and a small family. I became dependent on my love, my relationship and the baggage of my dependency was too heavy for my love and his behavior was too much for my independent soul. The love, the relationship, the family, it all broke in to pieces and I was shattered. I found myself sitting on a footpath one day with no life, no motivation and no fun...I am still sitting here, on a strange road..waiting for the opportunity to come in front so I can grab it...although I know it well that opportunity don't go to people, people have to grab it. Lekin mujhe kabhi dikhti kyun nahin yeh opportunities in the country of golden opportunities? Worse is I dont enjoy any work, anything right now...be it reading, studying or even simple things like eating, cooking etc.

I have been going crazy to find solutions, and to find ways out. I am tired of looking for purpose of life, the motivation of living...the madness and boring life is the worse part. Right now, the path seems very blurry in front and it looks like I am not going on right path and worse is it seems same way, almost everyday, I feel depressed...tired of fighting with self, finances and emotions....I NEED to go back to see my family and friends so I can feel the need to live and feel the motivation...but I don't know what stops me here, what says don't go...what makes me stop!

Enough of crying! I want to just change one thing in my life....finances right now. I was never a materialist person but my experiences have taught me the need and love for money. The money can give me the life I am looking for right now. I know its so materialist, but hell ya!! what is not materialist now a days? If I have money I will have less time to think crap and if I have money I can take my own decisions...simple. End of story!

Ok, I am in hurry so I will write about my proper topic, which is given by a friend...when I will comeback tonight...ooppss, ya I am going out tonight, not to club (wish I was going to club) but to a friends place to watch a movie, YES!!!! Hindi movie and some yummy food.

Ok let me write about clubs when I have started the topic myself!

I hated going to clubs in India, reason was simple...people stare at you for being what you are, they cant digest you wearing nice cloths and worse they use each chance to touch your body parts (any part possible) I remember going to clubs with few friends and then with HIM and it sucked big time.
I love clubs here. At least most of the clubs here are fun. Reason is again simple: Here sex education, as well as sex is available normally (I mean it, its truth) and that make guys behave normal not desperate and obnoxious. I know my friends will say that I have become American but then I want them to experience it. Once you experience this atmosphere you realize the difference.

I went to a club recently, and that sucked big time for me. That club was in west LA... when its west LA, it means it is around gay/lesbian area...(yeah area are pretty much define all over the world, we all are rational to each other) So in this club, called '11' there were tons of lesbians and gays and all were suckers. I love those people who are not too much in to public display of affection (PDA) They were making out in public and they were weird, annoying and seriously crazy. Or at least I felt so. I don't mind people choosing gay or lesbian as their sexual orientation but then don't behave weird and make out in public man!

I knew it was a Indian style party so I expected people with similar looks and faces as me, but I found weirdos :( there were many nic epeople too and music was kind of okay so it was not really crappy otherwise I would have left in few minutes... :))

Anyways, most of guys were hitting on me and my friend (well, decent way) and then tried to dance with us, but I wasn't ready to dance with anyone and everyone so I chose myself to dance with me and in club I danced alone, although many guys wanted to dance with me. I did simple thing, dance a step with them and then change body position and dance alone...it works :P

Anyways alot I have said and alot is going on right now!!! R is going to kill me if I am not ready in 5 minutes when she reach here. I am off here, talk to you guys later.

S. topic for today - Gays and lesbians...your theory about them and your views.

SA - you have to finish old one so go for that...

I will write my topic most probably tonight or two topics tomorrow. Leave me a topic.

Hugs and love

Sometimes talking to strangers and statues is so easy...so fun and so relaxing!

I don't talk to statues, but if I call my laptop a statue then yes I do...all the time, all day and all night. And ya, my cellphone - as its a blackberry so I talk to the person on other side..not on other side on phone line but on other side of email, chat etc! I talk to them all day and all night. Sometimes I want to throw the phone, laptop and all I have and go in jungle, Himalayas or where ever and live connection less, connection free...in this world of communications! I want to talk to trees, statues and mirrors..ask all the hidden Qs and ask all the rotten moments! I want to do it!

oh well!!!

I once talked to few statues. I used to live close to academy award building and in their front yard, there are few statues of famous people. I know few of them and few of them are just names for me (there names are mentioned on the statues)

Long time back, HE behaved himself with me and I had to leave the place, and then I went to this academy award building. I sat there, cried for hours and asked many Qs to all the statues...but got no reply, I replied for them to myself. The decision was made but emotional power was missing. Those statues are like my friends now...as whenever I pass by them, I wave them a small Hi.

I am not a crazy person but a loner. A loner, who needs people to talk to, people to understand her and people who she can trust...I trust NO ONE, result I have friends which are either fake or friends for surface. The real friends of mine are so far that I am not sure if they are friends anymore...or they are loners like me!!!


V.

I came from flowers shop and excitedly made a painting in hardly few minutes...well, my hands still have color as I type here. After I finished it a bit...I called HIM and told him that I have made a painting and want to gift it to you... He asked me, 'why are you obsessed with me?" I didn't understand why would HE think he has something in him that I would like to be obsessed with him?

Well truly, I saw him today morning and I took his shirt to wear; I do have a lot of shirts from HIM, but it was one crazy action, which I didn't think about. After I came back home, I saw that shirt on my bed...I smelled it, it still has HIS smell in it...I felt weird and told myself to focus on myself and my life, and to stop thinking about HIM, so I started painting...and made my painting called 'FOCUS'.

I wanted to gift it to him cos he is the one who made me loose my focus and he is the one who is (virtually) making me focus on my life back again...I did loose five years but I am not as crazy and sad about it as I was before. I just wanted to share happiness and laughter and my creativity with him but....THIS IS WHAT LOVE MAKES YOU!

I am not the one who can shut creativity off and on, I guess I do need to learn the ways of so called elite and outside upper class world!

I am still happy and excited that I am painting....

How easy it is to put someone down and hit, how easy it is to make some one feel low, so low that they loose their confidence, their ability to work and to think beyond a point, how easy it is to blame somebody...For the four and half years I was kept thinking that it was me who was wrong, it was me who provoked HIM so he hit me, put me down, insult me...but actually it was not me at all...it was someone else, the same person who did all those acts, those moves..it was HIM..and I was constantly harsh on myself for no reason. He ruined my beautiful moments, made me go through depressed life, sadness and weirdness of self, even after that I gave my life to him, my mind to him...if I did whatever was possible for me to do, to please him, to keep him happy...to keep us together but....

He said his childhood was fcuked up cos of the way his parents behaved with him and the way they raised him, but then why was I getting punished, why was I getting hitting, blames and garbage from you? Why? If I wasn't the one who ruined his childhood, then I should not get the results either, isn't it?

Today your same parents are blaming me for breaking off the marriage (yes the same one which had not even a moment of married hood in it) Those same parents are enjoying the life the way they want it, they get love and respect from you the way they want and you get all the showers of love, money and success from them and others...where is my share of happiness? where is my share of love? where is my share of money? where is my share of life? I got nothing but the tears, cos I married you? is this is the share, the half-half of marriage? If I have to take half debt and half Pays then I am eligible of half happiness, success too...isn't it?

I have told him today that if HE wont file the divorce papers in 3 days then I will file it...cos now am over it, I am done with you and your life....I know he is scared of laws, and of me speaking up for self but I have had it...and I have had HIM.

VJ