Ghungroo - The Bells

I never expected that letting o would be that hard. I have to learn more about it now, to let go...I see him online everyday and I cant buzz him cos we will sign the papers soon. Soon we will be no one in each others life from husband and wife...I don't know if it sucks or not but it does hurt, too deep it hurts. I am sure it will get healed one day but right now I cant take the pain of this bruise. Even if I know that there was only one option left. I know it very well that more than drugs, violence and ignorance I need and deserve more...still letting go is the hard part, that too letting go of marriage and husband - oh well this is what life is...

VJ
May 27, 2008
17:10

I saw a dream two days back...Dream was weird and scary. This was mere a Dream and it was about the life after divorce;

One day he was mad at me and when I tried to stop him to get crazily angry, he pushed me and two days after he asked for sorry and took me onto some high freeway where it was all over the mountains and he wanted to have a quiet drive with me...and while driving he started the same talk again and when I argued my point he said I brought you here cos I am done with u but cant see u going with anyone, I don't want you to be someone else's girlfriend and I will not allow you to be someone else's person and then suddenly he took such a sharp turn and the Jeep went off the cliff and we both were in it...He in anger killed himself too when he just wanted to kill me only.........I saw myself getting killed.

And I was so scared...scared of him, his unpredicted behaviors and scared of your unpredicted reactions for me....and I woke up at 6.00 and couldn't sleep after that. I don't know how true this dream is in my life or will be, but I know for sure that he and his these kind of behaviors in past have brought me to the situations where I am so close to death and where I can see that this moment can become the very last moment of my life.

I am scared of him, and scared of his reactions and unnecessary behaviors. I lived my life for almost 4 years with this kind of fear in my head and heart and I refuse to live this life now on...I am moving on, I am moving along.

I miss you,
when I am happy
I am sad
I am busy
I am all alone
when I find a new thing
when I create
when I am curious
when I want to see the world
when I have money
when I am poor
when I am myself
and you are you
when life is beautiful
when life sucks


I miss you.......
I miss you at all parts of my life

but your one doubt,
one slap
one blame
one YOU
brings me back
to the same life
where I want to hate you
I want to kill you
I want to run away from you
I want to stay be away from you
where life sucks
where world breaks for me
where I am not I
and you are still YOU
then
I want to be more of myself
hard
harsh
& alone

Then starts the life of Missing you
when I am alone
when life sucks
when I hate the world
and when you are you...


and I am no more


I, me, mine and myself....


copyright © Vim
March 25th, 2008

I met this guy 5 years back...over the times things changed so much.....we saw so many changes in our life, personal and in each other. Changes which brought happiness and changes which meant sadness and finally a separation - of being with each other and of not becoming each other. I am most surprised thinking that 5 years is not too long of a time, its just 5 years...but at the same time it seems too long, when I am with him. Probably he has same feelings as my feelings, but truth is simple, no matter how much we love each other we do need more than LOVE to be with each other. I feel being someone who is not you is the hardest test a relationship can ever take. If you are successful in this test then you were able to kill your self and you were able to become someone who is not you, which means clearly that whatever a person in front is looking for has defiantly over powered you and you have lost your own self touch. I did felt that I have succeeded in that test and then I realized I want my own self more than anyone else's dreams getting fulfilled inside me. I started hating my own self and then came that time when I was able to say NO to that test, when I wanted to fail that test and when I became my own self...not there yet full fledged but I am on the way and its better than standing on different road and expecting and showing as if you are standing on other road.

Tiredness in life is not that big of thing. All do get tiredness and sadness and what not but truth is how many take charge of their own selves to go and walk on the road which belongs to you...ONLY YOU...

Think more and you might will realize I am correct and truth full...


Hugz to self..
VJ