Ghungroo - The Bells

Tattoo - the same ink thingy on skin, I used to dislike. For me, it was a way to kill the beauty of clear and clean skin. Right now I love looking at tattoos; I enjoy detailing of tattoos. Okay, I am changing; my thoughts are changing for few things in life, cause I am enjoying exploring new ways to look at things. Before I never paid attention to the feeling of keeping a memory in this way, I never imagined living a moment in it, I never loved the details and fantasy of having that ink printed on my skin. I am the same person, but something inside me has changed and I am looking at the world with more acceptances, with open heart. Right now, I am so crazily excited to get a tattoo on my skin, that it’s hard to put the excitement in words.

First time, the excitement of tattoo felt like a wave inside me, about a month ago, and then I killed the excitement with my own judgmental thoughts. About a week ago, when I went to a meditation class with 'J' I felt that feeling again. I couldn’t control the feeling and shared with J at the end of the class. He was the only one available around me, who I was familiar with or may be because he has his arms full of tattoos or maybe I thought he will understand my thought; maybe he did understand or maybe not, who cares! Well he did think it was a funky idea for me, which I guess it was.

Moments spent in meditation brought memory back from the days of my yoga and meditation sessions from back home: open parks, early mornings, and many old people; with lots of love and care in their eyes. I missed Chandigarh, and Silvi Park. This meditation was relaxing; I thoroughly enjoyed it, maybe because it was distraction from normal schedule. I felt my heart racing and at peace at the same time. While my eyes were closed, I saw images of my old life, including my life in India and the moments with my ex-husband, and then I saw the best moment out of all, of leaving him, also the way I came out of that marriage. Seeing that strong moment of a strong self took me to another level of meditation.

I was still lost in that moment when I heard bell…time was up! I opened my eyes, in front of my blurry eyes; I saw many faces, many bodies, mostly full of tattoos. I moved my head to right, towards ‘J’, he was smiling as usual, and then I noticed his arms, un-counted tattoos. I missed the feeling of strong moment of strong self, and that very moment, I decided to stamp a tattoo on my body, for the very first time. I felt good about the feeling of living, sharing and showing that hidden strong person in a little signage … Does this sound cheesy? Not to me, but probably it is cheesy for many of my acquaintances...

~V

Hair were tangled

Body was relaxed

Lips were sore

Eyes were half shut.

Mind couldn’t decide –

To think about it…

Or to stop it...

He was in front of me,

I was lost,

In his ash eyes, in his tattooed arms…



Vim
Taft house
February 25, 2009

I want that moment to stay undisclosed because its un-divulge-able. But I do want to remember it so writing a note about that is probably like saving a memory in my camera…With Camera I remember, for the first time, my camera and click, clicks, clicks were not that important in front of someone’s company; that too, two days in a row! Not in a bad way but in a very nice, sweet and wild way:-P

~V....

Why did I go out with the guy I don't even want to be with? I know he is been wanting to take me dancing, which I have been refusing. May be this is why I met him; though I hardly had an hour to meet, so we met at a coffee shop. We were kept talking and talking, about old days and new days. I didn't even buy coffee, he did!

Okay he is a nice guy, a cute smart ass. Well, don't get me wrong, and I do know him for sometime now, but....We have been talking on and off lately, but when I refused his many offers to meet alone, he just planned on to meet me in all those parties I went to, be it Indian parties, art shows or whatever! Truthfully, I liked the attention he gave me. Actually after meeting him for coffee, I realized R is not a bad guy, he just likes me and probably a loner like me...

He is almost 7 years younger to me, a white guy from Sacramento, not that this has anything to do with his being with me, but I just thought of mentioning. One whole year we sat next to each other and we hardly shared a word more than work and work and work. Now this valentines, he sent me flowers and I agreed to meet him - just to say thank you but....

Truthfully, I guess I was kind of frustrated...so met him. This weird and funny frustration was with loneliness, and his offer sounded fine at that time!!

Damn!!! Why am I so guilty? No, not guilty, why am I so annoyed by this anonymous friend of mine! Gosh, I am complicated for no reason. V, let it go!

No one wants to hear the sound of crying, weeping and sadness. No one likes to see tears, sad and dead faces. Not even my own pillow…many a times it has refuses to absorb my tears, and I end up crying alone in other corner. I trust that crying is not always an emotion to express just sadness, breakup or pain, but also an emotion, which indicates that we can feel the happiness, pain and hard times. It shows that we still have humanity, and emotional touch with our selves and with world. I cry, sometimes hiding inside myself, sometimes in open and I still do get lost in my own when I am sad or when I feel failure. Sadness is no fun, its true, but I am happy that I can live and feel sadness unlike many, I am happy that I feel like a normal person.

I was talking over emails with 'J' about sadness, he mentioned that "sadness is there in his body, in his heart" I related to that. I do have sadness in my body and in my heart, but luckily I have come to a point where I am able to switch off my sadness when I don’t have time to live it or simply say can't feel it, and then sometimes, I live that same sadness, when I need to keep myself occupied.

I am happy that I have reached to this point. It wasn't easy, it was not a piece of cake, it wasn't living, and it was hard to face my own self, it was annoying to see my own strong personality crushing and running to the person, I shouldn't be with. It was killing me, when I was weak and when I was alone. It was harsh on my mind and on my body. Loneliness brought me nothing, but a special way to be with myself, to accept my own personality. I learned to accept my faults, I learned new way of expression and I made new agendas for my future. I am happy and proud where I have reached today, even after the path was not easy; important is that I reached here…

On the other hand if I would have chosen the path of hiding the emotions and running away from sadness, I probably would have been living in sadness till today, without any improvement; and then I would have been ended up in sad and crappy moments of life. I am not the person who can live in same kind of emotions and same kind of situations if I am not very content with self, so I try to find new paths and new ways to find peace with in self, peace with the world around me.

It all started at the end of August, when one fine day, I talked to myself, “Girl, take the final decision and then DO NOT look back.” It took me a bit of time to take the decision, but when I did, I did my best to follow through. I have a strong will power and I used my will power to stop me from looking back. I cried day and night: I felt sadness in my heart and body; my ears wanted to hear HIS voice; my eyes wanted to see HIS face; my body needed HIS touch, but nothing was MINE anymore.

Time came when I started calling my girl friends, when I wanted to call HIM, I went dancing when I needed HIS touch, and when I was depressed and alone at home, I painted, I wrote anything to everything, but I didn’t look back. I tried to find the corner of that rope which was tied to HIM. When I felt my chest is heavy, I started writing even more and then more; I pushed myself to let go of HIS thoughts by praying and meditating. It took me really long and harsh time to overcome the love I felt for HIM; it took me months to accept my own touch instead of HIM touching my body; it took me days and days to finally hear the music of life instead of HIS voice…but I finally reached somewhere, where HE wasn’t near my thoughts...I am here today, not finished living the past but I'm more than 60% on this side, which means I am growing, I am progressing. This progress is precious for me, and for my future.

After writing all this, now I am wondering why I had questions like, "Where and why did I run away from my sadness? Why I didn’t face my harsh days?” After writing only I think I did face sad life, I did live moments full of broken, worn-out heart when I needed to, I did went through the tunnel of sadness when I was required to, now I have come over that and I find myself ready to ignore sadness for good, I am ready to push those bricks which were piled underneath me to help me stand on my feel by myself. I am now feeling and living happily and peaceful!

Amen!!!

~V