Ghungroo - The Bells

Hair were tangled

Body was relaxed

Lips were sore

Eyes were half shut.

Mind couldn’t decide –

To think about it…

Or to stop it...

He was in front of me,

I was lost,

In his ash eyes, in his tattooed arms…



Vim
Taft house
February 25, 2009

I want that moment to stay undisclosed because its un-divulge-able. But I do want to remember it so writing a note about that is probably like saving a memory in my camera…With Camera I remember, for the first time, my camera and click, clicks, clicks were not that important in front of someone’s company; that too, two days in a row! Not in a bad way but in a very nice, sweet and wild way:-P

~V....

Why did I go out with the guy I don't even want to be with? I know he is been wanting to take me dancing, which I have been refusing. May be this is why I met him; though I hardly had an hour to meet, so we met at a coffee shop. We were kept talking and talking, about old days and new days. I didn't even buy coffee, he did!

Okay he is a nice guy, a cute smart ass. Well, don't get me wrong, and I do know him for sometime now, but....We have been talking on and off lately, but when I refused his many offers to meet alone, he just planned on to meet me in all those parties I went to, be it Indian parties, art shows or whatever! Truthfully, I liked the attention he gave me. Actually after meeting him for coffee, I realized R is not a bad guy, he just likes me and probably a loner like me...

He is almost 7 years younger to me, a white guy from Sacramento, not that this has anything to do with his being with me, but I just thought of mentioning. One whole year we sat next to each other and we hardly shared a word more than work and work and work. Now this valentines, he sent me flowers and I agreed to meet him - just to say thank you but....

Truthfully, I guess I was kind of frustrated...so met him. This weird and funny frustration was with loneliness, and his offer sounded fine at that time!!

Damn!!! Why am I so guilty? No, not guilty, why am I so annoyed by this anonymous friend of mine! Gosh, I am complicated for no reason. V, let it go!

No one wants to hear the sound of crying, weeping and sadness. No one likes to see tears, sad and dead faces. Not even my own pillow…many a times it has refuses to absorb my tears, and I end up crying alone in other corner. I trust that crying is not always an emotion to express just sadness, breakup or pain, but also an emotion, which indicates that we can feel the happiness, pain and hard times. It shows that we still have humanity, and emotional touch with our selves and with world. I cry, sometimes hiding inside myself, sometimes in open and I still do get lost in my own when I am sad or when I feel failure. Sadness is no fun, its true, but I am happy that I can live and feel sadness unlike many, I am happy that I feel like a normal person.

I was talking over emails with 'J' about sadness, he mentioned that "sadness is there in his body, in his heart" I related to that. I do have sadness in my body and in my heart, but luckily I have come to a point where I am able to switch off my sadness when I don’t have time to live it or simply say can't feel it, and then sometimes, I live that same sadness, when I need to keep myself occupied.

I am happy that I have reached to this point. It wasn't easy, it was not a piece of cake, it wasn't living, and it was hard to face my own self, it was annoying to see my own strong personality crushing and running to the person, I shouldn't be with. It was killing me, when I was weak and when I was alone. It was harsh on my mind and on my body. Loneliness brought me nothing, but a special way to be with myself, to accept my own personality. I learned to accept my faults, I learned new way of expression and I made new agendas for my future. I am happy and proud where I have reached today, even after the path was not easy; important is that I reached here…

On the other hand if I would have chosen the path of hiding the emotions and running away from sadness, I probably would have been living in sadness till today, without any improvement; and then I would have been ended up in sad and crappy moments of life. I am not the person who can live in same kind of emotions and same kind of situations if I am not very content with self, so I try to find new paths and new ways to find peace with in self, peace with the world around me.

It all started at the end of August, when one fine day, I talked to myself, “Girl, take the final decision and then DO NOT look back.” It took me a bit of time to take the decision, but when I did, I did my best to follow through. I have a strong will power and I used my will power to stop me from looking back. I cried day and night: I felt sadness in my heart and body; my ears wanted to hear HIS voice; my eyes wanted to see HIS face; my body needed HIS touch, but nothing was MINE anymore.

Time came when I started calling my girl friends, when I wanted to call HIM, I went dancing when I needed HIS touch, and when I was depressed and alone at home, I painted, I wrote anything to everything, but I didn’t look back. I tried to find the corner of that rope which was tied to HIM. When I felt my chest is heavy, I started writing even more and then more; I pushed myself to let go of HIS thoughts by praying and meditating. It took me really long and harsh time to overcome the love I felt for HIM; it took me months to accept my own touch instead of HIM touching my body; it took me days and days to finally hear the music of life instead of HIS voice…but I finally reached somewhere, where HE wasn’t near my thoughts...I am here today, not finished living the past but I'm more than 60% on this side, which means I am growing, I am progressing. This progress is precious for me, and for my future.

After writing all this, now I am wondering why I had questions like, "Where and why did I run away from my sadness? Why I didn’t face my harsh days?” After writing only I think I did face sad life, I did live moments full of broken, worn-out heart when I needed to, I did went through the tunnel of sadness when I was required to, now I have come over that and I find myself ready to ignore sadness for good, I am ready to push those bricks which were piled underneath me to help me stand on my feel by myself. I am now feeling and living happily and peaceful!

Amen!!!

~V

Its been a new style on facebook, write something about yourself and tag others and make sure they write. I don't know why I did so, but this is my second tag, which i responded to. I have no idea if it is truth or Love or a bit of Malice ;-) Whatever it is, it was fun to do and guess it is fun to read!


Today at 12:14 AM (PST) Feb 14, 2009

100 truths:

1. Last beverage → Herbal Tea
2. Last phone call → Brother
3. Last text message → 'J'
4. Last song you listened to → A. R. Rahman's instrumental
5. Last time you cried → few days ago

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → Yes
2. Been cheated on? - Yes
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? - YES!!!
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed? → Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? - Yes

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Red
2. Orange
3. Purple
4. Blue

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → yes
2. Fallen out of love → Yes
3. Laughed until you cried → Yes
4. Met someone who changed you--> Yes
5. Found out who your true friends were --> Not yet
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → No, but planning to
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → 90%
9. How many kids do you want to have → 1 of my own and 7+ adopted
10. Do you have any pets → Used to
11. Do you want to change your name→ Never
12. What did you do for your last birthday - Meditate
13. What time did you wake up today → 6.03 AM
14. What were you doing at midnight last night: writing an article
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Spring
16. Last time you saw your father→ Sep, 2006
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Finance issues
18. What are you listening to right now → A.R.Rahman's songs
19. Have you ever talked to a person named tom: NO
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? insomnia
24. Most visited webpage → Google

1. What's your name→ V
2. Nicknames → ~V
3. Relationship Status → Single
4. Zodiac sign: Aries
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Elementary--> New Public
7. Middle School → Paragon
8. High school ---> SSS for girls
10. Hair color → Originally black, colored auburn!
11. Long or short hair --> up to shoulder
16. Height → 5'5"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → YES!!!
18: What don't you like about yourself? → Impatience
19. Piercings → Yes, ears
20. Tattoos → Planning for one
21. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → Finger, Aug 2004
23. First piercing → 13 days old
24. First best friends → My brother
26. First sport you joined → Can't remember
27. First pet --> Dog with parents, Cat of my own
28. First vacation → Cant remember
29. First concert → Some Punjabi dude, I guess
30. First crush --> Math professor in middle school
31. First kiss --> in dad's bedroom, brother's friend
32. First job --> Actress for plays

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → nothing
50. Drinking → Herbal Tea
51. Wearing --> VS Pjs
52. I'm about to → Crack up
53. Listening to → key board keys
55. Waiting for → better tomorrow
56. Thinking → I need a vacation...asap!

YOUR FUTURE :
57. Want to live --> Peacefully with lots of kids
58. Want kids --> YES!!!
59. Want to get married --> Not sure!
60. Careers in mind --> Documentary filmmaker

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Lips
69. Hugs or kisses → Both
70. Shorter or taller → Taller
71. Older or Younger → Depends
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Strong Arms
74. Sensitive or loud → sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
76. Humorous or serious --> humorous
77. Trouble maker or hesitant--> Either

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor --> Yes
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes
81. Sex on first date --> No
82. Broken someone's heart → Yes
83. Had your own heart broken --> Yes
84. Wanted someone you know you can't have --> Yes
85. Been arrested → No
86. Turned someone down --> Yes, many times
87. Cried when someone died → Yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl → Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself --> YES!!!
90. Miracles → Have to see to believe
91. Love at first sight —> Yes
92. Heaven → No
93. Santa Clause – > No
94. God --> Yes
95. Kiss on the first date? → Yes
96. Angels --> No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No
99. Done something you regret? Yes
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? May be..


~V