Ghungroo - The Bells

Dreams....thousands to die for..........

2009-12-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

Finished watching "Confession of a Superhero" I have been planning to watch it since months but there was hardly any time. Now since I don't have a job, so I had time to watch it.

It was happy, sad, annoying thought and what not....

We all make our ends meet because we are survivors...it just hurt when some dreams dont get fulfilled and some get lost in the air...

To all those dreams which brought me to this country, and to all those dreams which bring many to LA....cheers!!!

Hope all dreams find their destinations...Amen!!!

Vee

The tail of 2009

2009-12-19T00:11:00.000-08:00

Year 2009 is almost over...wait yet not over, but almost there...

How was your 2009?

Did you do something you love doing?

Did you do something which you hated?

Please do leave a mark, do share...

VJ

!

2009-12-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

My few friends say they love my never die attitude and they adore my positivity...and I say what option do I have...

haa haa.......

lol

awww just a random moment....

Precious

2009-12-02T02:02:00.000-08:00

I just came back home after watching Precious. This movie made me cry. I was literally shredding tears sitting in the theater. I felt deep down sad and shaken up. My mission has got more stronger, and my emotions have got more shaped. I work with these kids, kids like precious. This movie made me realize that my little efforts don't go to waste in fact they help someone...and in return I get the help some where, somehow. Today my mission and my passion found new strengths. I hope I get the chance to work more and bring more options and resources for girls like precious. Amen!

dates and memos...

2009-11-25T03:04:00.000-08:00

I was reading 'some' papers today and read September 10, 2003. I read it occasionally and I felt the feeling as if I am gonna faint - not because it was an important date for me at one point but because I suddenly realized its been so many years when that date first happened to me or to us...

Actually, if I look back or just try to look back, I think that day was magical. I was happy and I was sad.....and some where I was assured it is not the right thing to do, and some where that was the most perfect thing I ever did.

I don't regret that day or whatever happened that day, I can't regret it ever....nope never. It was beautiful at times...and....!!!

I was/am just not comfortable that I let my mind listen to others......period.

Vee

Dangerous Beauty

2009-09-17T04:10:00.000-07:00

Just Saw Dangerous Beauty. I wont say that I loved this movie more than Pretty Woman or Gia or Blood Diamond or some similar movies like those...but it had something in it, something which pulled my attention, something which made me feet proud and something which is my faith for years.

Being a woman is NOT a curse, neither it is something dangerous or something one should just lust for...it is just being the being on this earth...

I would never want to be born as a man, I am happy being a woman and rather stay a woman...now and forever.

P.S. I don't even believe in re-birth and all that crap, but what ever and how ever it is, it just is.

VJ

Pretty Woman!

2009-09-15T03:57:00.000-07:00

"Welcome to Hollywood - Everyone comes here to fulfill their dreams, some dreams come true, some not...Just don't stop dreaming!"

P.S. Just saw Pretty woman, don't remember watching it ever. Loved Julia Roberts as always and Richard Gere...he is a gem of an actor.

P.P.S The freakishness of movies is never gonna go down...

Too Beautiful to Die...Too Wild to Live.

2009-09-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

If...if I have to end up my life right now, right here...I would defiantly say - IT WAS WORTH IT!!!!

Just saw GIA...been wanting to watch this movie since I was with HIM....got the chance to watch it today....alone, in my bed....tears and smiles were the smallest thoughts on the way to the end of this fairy tale of a true beautiful mind and irresistible body.

VJ

P.S. Because life is worth it and worth living, I wouldn't wanna end it ever...EVER!!!

The day of hearing - Sep 08, 09

2009-09-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

HE is sitting in front of me, and I'm not in love with HIM, nope not anymore. I don't feel like holding HIM anymore. I don't feel like touching his mind or body or even his heart anymore. I am feeling much more content and peaceful. I am getting flashes of HIM hitting me more than flashes of HIM loving me, hugging me, kissing me and caring for me. Hard to believe but I HAVE come to the point where I don't fcuking give a shi*t about HIM or his presence around me, anymore.

Love does go out of window, when ISSUES take place in life. What a big ass truth and we all do have to accept this truth with time.

Life DOES move on.........and I'm happy about it.

Irony = Life

2009-09-05T12:51:00.001-07:00

Few days ago, I found an email in my inbox from birthday alarms stating 'its your 6th wedding anniversary, congratulations form everyone at birthday alarms dot com'

Can life be more funnier than this? I guess its irony of life, isn't it? Its been almost two years we have separated, and now they remember to wish me for my broken marriage...oh life, I love you...

Anyways, new flowers are blooming and life is on roll.

VJ

Movie - Freak

2009-08-05T02:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I saw 'Funny People' Oh, what a movie, it satisfied me inside out. I felt the feeling on being high for hours after wards (well I don't actually know what is it means to be high, but I guess feeling satisfied and not around your current surroundings is high for me). I think the reason of that effect on me was simply because the acting, the direction, the writing and most of its creative work started as improvisation from the lives of those, who live these character on normal life level. I was impressed. May be because I come from similar kind of background or may be because it was just truthfully shot movie...It had a slow pace, but still it felt as if it was moving, not a stand still.

The movie 'Away We Go' which I saw it sometime back, was more of a slow pace movie. Although I loved its story, it seemed too much for a movie. The details were unlimited and the story was heavy....so I think it needed a fast pace but director made it damn slow...my guy friend, who took me out for the movie said that it was true life story and very relative. Hmm yes, I thing it surely was, but too much truth of life in a movie doesn't actually work for me unless it is shot well. And that movie died on the box office. I still would love to read that book, but will never watch that movie again.

On the other hand when I saw 'Hangover' I cracked up as much as I could...cos it was story from life, but in a bit dramatic way and very well directed movie. I enjoyed it; it was a way away from hectic life. My friend who I went out to watch this movie with, went to Vegas with his girl friend after watching that movie. So, I guess it was worth it...ha ha! Simply loved how the movie sounds ridiculous but it is actually not that annoying as it may sound like.

On the serious note when I saw 'Blood Diamond' I felt so empathic and my eyes were wet every time I watched it, even after watching it over and over again. The urge to visit Africa and to work with lovely African people just started boiling inside me. The art work in the movie was awesome and direction was just superb. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I know that the script writer might have added some new moments in it, or the director cheated on some frames, but even after all that...this movie left a big impact on my mind and my heart. Kudos to those, who worked for Blood Diamond.

Well....I have tons of movies to write about but that later cos its 2.44 am and I should simply stop writing about movies and watch my next movie before the heart ache start again. Oh yeah, I feel heart ache now-a-days if I don't watch one or more movie a day. Didn't I tell ya I have a movie-fever :-)

Movie - Fever

2009-08-05T02:10:00.000-07:00

Well... Oh well....

Oh.....Oh...Oh well.....

Okay fine...I have a confession to make: I am getting crazy about movies once again in my life. I am happy about it, it makes me feel great. I have seen almost every new movie which is out and have been enjoying watching one or another on either netflix or from my old movie collection or from my roomie's collection. She is a movie buff too, and owns a pretty good collection. Truthfully right at this moment also I am watching a movie while I type my thoughts into a post on my blog. I used to read a lot but for some reason, I can't concentrate for long on reading now-a-days so watching movies makes me feel better than reading. Though reading a book has its own feeling and watching a movie has its own emotion and we can't replace one with another, but we can enjoy watching movie instead of reading or vice verse. Soon you will realize, both gives the same effect. How? With each new documentary I watch, I travel to new culture, new thought process and new life; with each classic feature I have seen, I see the different lifestyle and different emotion change of humanity; with each musical, I enjoy the new rhythm and new dance move...and so on and on and on! I remember that one quote which my father used to tell me all the time 'read a book to see the world' now-a-days it is more like 'watch a movie to know the world' Or at least this is how it works for moi :-P

More is on its way... that would be related to my expression (not reviews) of movies....

Keep hanging!

To Mah Maa!

2009-07-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

I was burnt in my agony,
when I left you Maa
You saw me standing...helpless
and I looked over your agony,
Just to let go of me,
...in the ocean of world
to be the one I am.

You were missed, always
and........now

....
You are always with me
You were always in me.
......
Life just happened to us!

Vim

start afresh!

2009-07-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

Oh!!! I want to fall (litrally) in love all over again. I want to shape the heart and make the decisions for my love, once again. How beautiful it would be, just to love and nothing else. I want it, I want it, I want it!

I wanna fall for myself, I want to love myself all over again.I want myself back to living once again and over and over again!!!

sad to see that people loose sensitivity with age!

2009-07-07T01:08:00.000-07:00

Either I am too sensitive or people are losing the sensitivity or probably I am too old now and I should stop doing childish (????) things. Well, today at midnight my friends birthday started and I with another friend of mine went to her place at mid night with cake and lots of happiness....and.........

Just bitter taste in the mouth now. I wish I could say that she didn't like me coming over, but that's not true either. She didn't mind us over and that's what she showed us but what with insulting language? What with not eating cake and putting down words....anyways, let it be Vim...it hurts to see your own friends do so....

Anyways Happy birthday dost!

Back to basics!

2009-06-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen anyone living their life twice? Nope? Well I see her every day, every single day in me. I lived a life of teenage, a young woman and now I am living a life of teenage once again and soon I will get the chance to live a life of woman. The difference between both timing is that first time it was in India and now, second time it is in the US. The best similarity is not just me in both lives but also the rebel nature of my own self. I am enjoying it and truthfully parallel regretting it too...but there is always something or other to learn and to grow old with. As I mentioned once in one of the old post - I am collector of happiness, memories and emotions from real life of self.

Rest later...oh yeah one quick thing....I started donating blood again. Today was my first day of donation. I started donating blood in my late teens and then stopped for obvious reason...and here I go again!!!

Hugs to self
Vim

Friendship is all I have...

2009-05-23T13:27:00.001-07:00

I am struggling to write thousands of thoughts, but I stop myself. Musing satisfies me, but I stop myself. I want to say many words, many feelings, many thoughts to my dear friends, to those people I care for but I stop myself....just because I don’t want to offend someone and just because I know words leave hard, long lasting impression than our ignorance can. I do love many of my friends, I seriously care for them and will do whatever I can depending on the moment and situation...but I am NOT what all of the world always think I am...I am a person who has the right to change, I am a human who can be indifferent, and also a female who needs what she needs, simple.

Friends, I don’t want you to bear with me, if you don’t want to and same way I shouldn’t have to, too…

"Friend" I know something is bothering you, I am there if you want to talk about it and if you need a shoulder, but I am not going to be there when you insult me and when you behave rude to me because something else or someone else is bothering you...I am sorry...I wish I could say this on your face.

"Friend" I am happy for you to find a love of your life, but can I say that I am worried for you, as he seems a bit off beat? Sorry I can’t say it on your face....accept me as it is, please....

“Friend” I like hanging out with you, but sometimes you bore me. I don’t like people who are boring....can we stop hanging out for a while, so we can value each other more?

“Friend” you are awesome, I love your energy but I don’t like you freaking out and sending me crazy messages in response of my fun messages, or taking my messages as snappy thoughts for yourself...can I please ignore you for a while? Please...

“Friend” I know you have been busy for long time, but is it okay we go out for a coffee and just talk for sometime about the shits of life? Can you please take time off for me, please....few minutes? I know something is there which is bothering both of us, can we get over it and meet? Please...

“Friend” I am a girl. I like listening to flowery words and sweet appreciations when I ask how am I looking or if I look good in this new dress….I know you are a guy of direct talks, but can you please once in a while make me happy by saying some praises to me?

"Friend" I know we all girls are same way at the end and you guys are pretty similar kind of, but I am not looking for anything in you, beyond what we have today...can we please live in today instead of being worried with what will happen with our relationship in future? please dear...

and many messages, I want to post on to your pages my friends, say it on your faces my friedns. I wish I could, but if I say these, can we still be friends?

I love my every single friend. You all are my emotional support of life. You are my strength and you are the one....who I care for, more than my parents!!!!

Hugs, love, kisses, and much more....friendship is all I have....!!!

Thank you for being there for me...and my weaknesses.

Vim

***This post do not belong to any specific friend and belongs to all humans, who are friends to someone, somewhere, somehow!!!!***

Writer's block

2009-05-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is going on, but something is going on, for sure, deep inside me. I sit in front of my laptop, try to type words, I am sometimes able to type few...they do look like words, but make hardly any sense in a form of sentence. I try to create new letters with new alphabets but they seem strange. I think its about time that I put my thoughts in to words, before they burst my head. I need to work on it and let go this feeling of 'let it go' from inside me.

I am trying, again, to live; to feel; to find; and to touch my own self. It seems just too hard to accept the numbness, the shock, of finishing an old life to the new unknown world of my own.

Vim
2009
Two weeks after the numbness first hit me....

Ghungroo - the bells

2009-04-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

Some ghungroo (bells) make beautiful noises, some ghungroo don't make noise, hence have no voice at all, and some other ghungroo have noise and voice, but no choice...they often are part of decoration on purses, key chains and other materialistic things...

We humans are exact same way...some are too noisy, who speak either a lot or they make noises by their expressions,observations and creativity. Some humans have voices but they don't use them, and live life quietly...holding every thought, every emotion inside, few of them are at peace and few are depressed. Some other humans are always around you and me, they have voices, and noises but no choices...they have thoughts but no one appreciate them for having thoughts and they are just piece of decorations. These humans are called wives, daughters, mothers and daughter-in-laws...

Vim

I am happy that I can speak 50 languages, English being my 50th....

2009-04-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

So here it goes...I rejected a guy, for whatever reason it may be, he felt insulted, and he rejected me in his own little way (though I felt sorry for him at that point more than feeling rejected...) Before he rejects me, a friend came in between and tried to clear the confusion and mis-communication. He lashes back on to the friend and said words which doesn't make much sense, but here is the reply to him, if he is reading...he will leave a comment.

cjb - Do you know why I married my husband? Because, he was able to break the norms and live a life on his own in India. Now whatever the reason he had to leave the US and go to India to live was,to hell with that, important is, he lived a life on HIS OWN. Yes buddy, my ex-husband actually lived a life on his own, making money on his own, without knowing the language of the country, or of the state he was living in, and he lived successfully 4+ years there...on his own. Truthfully, if anyone knows India, then that person knows it well that making average money in India is what is known as the successful living. The struggle is way too much and we don't have as many chances and options as you Americans...

For your kind information, English is my 3rd language NOT 50th, but lets see how many language You can speak? Spanish and English only? Well, every second person in LA speak these two languages...and...???????? Oh well.....

I can JUST hope that you can see and understand the world beyond US the A....

Vim

a coversation with self....

2009-03-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

Vim - I want to cry today.

~V - Go for it Vim, cry...open your heart and let it happen....

Vim - I think it was a wastage of my time, my energy and my resources.

~V - You are right, but mind it...Vim, you are strong. Letting go isn't that easy.

Vim - Did I really let him go?

~V - Yeah baby, you did...

Vim - Oh cool. I am not expected to be nice to him anymore, right?

~V - Yupp, no responsibility.

Vim - But I liked him a lot.

~V - Its alright, he didn't....or may be he did, even if he did don't care about it anymore cos this care does matters in your life dear.

Vim - Yeah, you are right V

~V - Chalo whatever happens, happens for a reason, or for a season.

Vim - he sent me an email...I shredded a tear...

~V - good, you need to let go more....

Vim - I'm trying....damn, I can't even try any longer.

and the conversation carry on...and on and on....

Girl Friends - One

2009-03-26T02:15:00.000-07:00

Nah!!! its not about one girl friend, its one of the issues I am facing with being around girls...aagggrrhhh!!!

Before I start on to any other issues, let me give you all (whoever) one advice: NEVER EVER GET PLAN TO GET DRUNK WITH A GIRL FRIEND WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT UP...okay I was told that my pre-birthday party is getting planned...I was excited as usual. I was getting attention and then finally a plan according to my week...yippee but hey, no one RSVPd and we were left with two girls at the end, one who was organizing and another me, your truly - the birthday girl...

Anyways, we went to get Beer and wine from store, where really hot sexy guys tried to hit on us and kind of asked us out to drink with them...we ignored so cutely that I almost felt proud on self and my girl friend...Finally, we decided on beer and wine and gave funky look to those guys and bought our stuff. We reached home, and got the call that this girl friend's close friend (who could have been a boy friend at one point) is going to join us for a beer or two..."awesome", I said and she made a nasty face..."well, he introduced you to me, so I guess it is alright", I said. She didn't say anything...He came, we had beer and he left after listening to long talks and arguments of putting him down....I was speechless. It was my place, my pre-birthday party, and guess my friends too...

After he left, that nasty look turned in to a crying baby look. Here she goes...I thought and I wasn't wrong. She finished the whole wine bottle in few minutes and b the time I could think of anything,she was cursing and cussing this friend of mine, for choosing a girl who is from his choice...yukk..."shut up", I thought...but she didn't. Two hours of drinking went to shit...cos it was brought back to un-buzzed feeling followed by lectures,which I heard many times, and also moments which are not different from last time's expressions...great!! here goes my pre-birthday drinking night!

Insomniac!

2009-03-14T02:42:00.000-07:00

I cant sleep, actually I am refusing to sleep...I have no idea why, but may be I am not confessing the reasons to myself...I should be sleeping at this time, its almost 3 and when I have to be up to get ready for work at 5.45 - 6.00 am...

let it go V...letting it go is not easy but easiness follows it.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."

2009-03-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

HE feels good about something, and right away HE start feeling guilty about feeling good. Dear, this in your mind set to feel bad for yourself!

Start letting it go...

???

2009-03-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

Some people don't deserve second chance, but then who am I to decide? Well I think I should decide because, I am the same person who give the chance to this jerk, who I invited to be part of my life, whatever way...

I should not think weirdly about him anymore and I should concentrate on fun parts of the evening, rather than sad after thoughts....grrrr...

Vim....let go!!!

Of the day, I felt the feeling of ink on my body...

2009-03-01T19:14:00.001-08:00

Tattoo - the same ink thingy on skin, I used to dislike. For me, it was a way to kill the beauty of clear and clean skin. Right now I love looking at tattoos; I enjoy detailing of tattoos. Okay, I am changing; my thoughts are changing for few things in life, cause I am enjoying exploring new ways to look at things. Before I never paid attention to the feeling of keeping a memory in this way, I never imagined living a moment in it, I never loved the details and fantasy of having that ink printed on my skin. I am the same person, but something inside me has changed and I am looking at the world with more acceptances, with open heart. Right now, I am so crazily excited to get a tattoo on my skin, that it’s hard to put the excitement in words.

First time, the excitement of tattoo felt like a wave inside me, about a month ago, and then I killed the excitement with my own judgmental thoughts. About a week ago, when I went to a meditation class with 'J' I felt that feeling again. I couldn’t control the feeling and shared with J at the end of the class. He was the only one available around me, who I was familiar with or may be because he has his arms full of tattoos or maybe I thought he will understand my thought; maybe he did understand or maybe not, who cares! Well he did think it was a funky idea for me, which I guess it was.

Moments spent in meditation brought memory back from the days of my yoga and meditation sessions from back home: open parks, early mornings, and many old people; with lots of love and care in their eyes. I missed Chandigarh, and Silvi Park. This meditation was relaxing; I thoroughly enjoyed it, maybe because it was distraction from normal schedule. I felt my heart racing and at peace at the same time. While my eyes were closed, I saw images of my old life, including my life in India and the moments with my ex-husband, and then I saw the best moment out of all, of leaving him, also the way I came out of that marriage. Seeing that strong moment of a strong self took me to another level of meditation.

I was still lost in that moment when I heard bell…time was up! I opened my eyes, in front of my blurry eyes; I saw many faces, many bodies, mostly full of tattoos. I moved my head to right, towards ‘J’, he was smiling as usual, and then I noticed his arms, un-counted tattoos. I missed the feeling of strong moment of strong self, and that very moment, I decided to stamp a tattoo on my body, for the very first time. I felt good about the feeling of living, sharing and showing that hidden strong person in a little signage … Does this sound cheesy? Not to me, but probably it is cheesy for many of my acquaintances...

~V

A Random Moment...

2009-02-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hair were tangled

Body was relaxed

Lips were sore

Eyes were half shut.

Mind couldn’t decide –

To think about it…

Or to stop it...

He was in front of me,

I was lost,

In his ash eyes, in his tattooed arms…

Vim
Taft house
February 25, 2009

undisclosed moment!

2009-02-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

I want that moment to stay undisclosed because its un-divulge-able. But I do want to remember it so writing a note about that is probably like saving a memory in my camera…With Camera I remember, for the first time, my camera and click, clicks, clicks were not that important in front of someone’s company; that too, two days in a row! Not in a bad way but in a very nice, sweet and wild way:-P

~V....

Weirdo me!

2009-02-20T00:14:00.000-08:00

Why did I go out with the guy I don't even want to be with? I know he is been wanting to take me dancing, which I have been refusing. May be this is why I met him; though I hardly had an hour to meet, so we met at a coffee shop. We were kept talking and talking, about old days and new days. I didn't even buy coffee, he did!

Okay he is a nice guy, a cute smart ass. Well, don't get me wrong, and I do know him for sometime now, but....We have been talking on and off lately, but when I refused his many offers to meet alone, he just planned on to meet me in all those parties I went to, be it Indian parties, art shows or whatever! Truthfully, I liked the attention he gave me. Actually after meeting him for coffee, I realized R is not a bad guy, he just likes me and probably a loner like me...

He is almost 7 years younger to me, a white guy from Sacramento, not that this has anything to do with his being with me, but I just thought of mentioning. One whole year we sat next to each other and we hardly shared a word more than work and work and work. Now this valentines, he sent me flowers and I agreed to meet him - just to say thank you but....

Truthfully, I guess I was kind of frustrated...so met him. This weird and funny frustration was with loneliness, and his offer sounded fine at that time!!

Damn!!! Why am I so guilty? No, not guilty, why am I so annoyed by this anonymous friend of mine! Gosh, I am complicated for no reason. V, let it go!

I live: Sadness to Happiness!

2009-02-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

No one wants to hear the sound of crying, weeping and sadness. No one likes to see tears, sad and dead faces. Not even my own pillow…many a times it has refuses to absorb my tears, and I end up crying alone in other corner. I trust that crying is not always an emotion to express just sadness, breakup or pain, but also an emotion, which indicates that we can feel the happiness, pain and hard times. It shows that we still have humanity, and emotional touch with our selves and with world. I cry, sometimes hiding inside myself, sometimes in open and I still do get lost in my own when I am sad or when I feel failure. Sadness is no fun, its true, but I am happy that I can live and feel sadness unlike many, I am happy that I feel like a normal person.

I was talking over emails with 'J' about sadness, he mentioned that "sadness is there in his body, in his heart" I related to that. I do have sadness in my body and in my heart, but luckily I have come to a point where I am able to switch off my sadness when I don’t have time to live it or simply say can't feel it, and then sometimes, I live that same sadness, when I need to keep myself occupied.

I am happy that I have reached to this point. It wasn't easy, it was not a piece of cake, it wasn't living, and it was hard to face my own self, it was annoying to see my own strong personality crushing and running to the person, I shouldn't be with. It was killing me, when I was weak and when I was alone. It was harsh on my mind and on my body. Loneliness brought me nothing, but a special way to be with myself, to accept my own personality. I learned to accept my faults, I learned new way of expression and I made new agendas for my future. I am happy and proud where I have reached today, even after the path was not easy; important is that I reached here…

On the other hand if I would have chosen the path of hiding the emotions and running away from sadness, I probably would have been living in sadness till today, without any improvement; and then I would have been ended up in sad and crappy moments of life. I am not the person who can live in same kind of emotions and same kind of situations if I am not very content with self, so I try to find new paths and new ways to find peace with in self, peace with the world around me.

It all started at the end of August, when one fine day, I talked to myself, “Girl, take the final decision and then DO NOT look back.” It took me a bit of time to take the decision, but when I did, I did my best to follow through. I have a strong will power and I used my will power to stop me from looking back. I cried day and night: I felt sadness in my heart and body; my ears wanted to hear HIS voice; my eyes wanted to see HIS face; my body needed HIS touch, but nothing was MINE anymore.

Time came when I started calling my girl friends, when I wanted to call HIM, I went dancing when I needed HIS touch, and when I was depressed and alone at home, I painted, I wrote anything to everything, but I didn’t look back. I tried to find the corner of that rope which was tied to HIM. When I felt my chest is heavy, I started writing even more and then more; I pushed myself to let go of HIS thoughts by praying and meditating. It took me really long and harsh time to overcome the love I felt for HIM; it took me months to accept my own touch instead of HIM touching my body; it took me days and days to finally hear the music of life instead of HIS voice…but I finally reached somewhere, where HE wasn’t near my thoughts...I am here today, not finished living the past but I'm more than 60% on this side, which means I am growing, I am progressing. This progress is precious for me, and for my future.

After writing all this, now I am wondering why I had questions like, "Where and why did I run away from my sadness? Why I didn’t face my harsh days?” After writing only I think I did face sad life, I did live moments full of broken, worn-out heart when I needed to, I did went through the tunnel of sadness when I was required to, now I have come over that and I find myself ready to ignore sadness for good, I am ready to push those bricks which were piled underneath me to help me stand on my feel by myself. I am now feeling and living happily and peaceful!

Amen!!!

~V

Love, Truth and a little Malice!

2009-02-14T00:10:00.001-08:00

Its been a new style on facebook, write something about yourself and tag others and make sure they write. I don't know why I did so, but this is my second tag, which i responded to. I have no idea if it is truth or Love or a bit of Malice ;-) Whatever it is, it was fun to do and guess it is fun to read!

Today at 12:14 AM (PST) Feb 14, 2009

100 truths:

1. Last beverage → Herbal Tea
2. Last phone call → Brother
3. Last text message → 'J'
4. Last song you listened to → A. R. Rahman's instrumental
5. Last time you cried → few days ago

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → Yes
2. Been cheated on? - Yes
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? - YES!!!
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed? → Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? - Yes

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Red
2. Orange
3. Purple
4. Blue

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → yes
2. Fallen out of love → Yes
3. Laughed until you cried → Yes
4. Met someone who changed you--> Yes
5. Found out who your true friends were --> Not yet
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → No, but planning to
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → 90%
9. How many kids do you want to have → 1 of my own and 7+ adopted
10. Do you have any pets → Used to
11. Do you want to change your name→ Never
12. What did you do for your last birthday - Meditate
13. What time did you wake up today → 6.03 AM
14. What were you doing at midnight last night: writing an article
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Spring
16. Last time you saw your father→ Sep, 2006
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Finance issues
18. What are you listening to right now → A.R.Rahman's songs
19. Have you ever talked to a person named tom: NO
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? insomnia
24. Most visited webpage → Google

1. What's your name→ V
2. Nicknames → ~V
3. Relationship Status → Single
4. Zodiac sign: Aries
5. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
6. Elementary--> New Public
7. Middle School → Paragon
8. High school ---> SSS for girls
10. Hair color → Originally black, colored auburn!
11. Long or short hair --> up to shoulder
16. Height → 5'5"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → YES!!!
18: What don't you like about yourself? → Impatience
19. Piercings → Yes, ears
20. Tattoos → Planning for one
21. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → Finger, Aug 2004
23. First piercing → 13 days old
24. First best friends → My brother
26. First sport you joined → Can't remember
27. First pet --> Dog with parents, Cat of my own
28. First vacation → Cant remember
29. First concert → Some Punjabi dude, I guess
30. First crush --> Math professor in middle school
31. First kiss --> in dad's bedroom, brother's friend
32. First job --> Actress for plays

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → nothing
50. Drinking → Herbal Tea
51. Wearing --> VS Pjs
52. I'm about to → Crack up
53. Listening to → key board keys
55. Waiting for → better tomorrow
56. Thinking → I need a vacation...asap!

YOUR FUTURE :
57. Want to live --> Peacefully with lots of kids
58. Want kids --> YES!!!
59. Want to get married --> Not sure!
60. Careers in mind --> Documentary filmmaker

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Lips
69. Hugs or kisses → Both
70. Shorter or taller → Taller
71. Older or Younger → Depends
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Strong Arms
74. Sensitive or loud → sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
76. Humorous or serious --> humorous
77. Trouble maker or hesitant--> Either

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor --> Yes
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes
81. Sex on first date --> No
82. Broken someone's heart → Yes
83. Had your own heart broken --> Yes
84. Wanted someone you know you can't have --> Yes
85. Been arrested → No
86. Turned someone down --> Yes, many times
87. Cried when someone died → Yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl → Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself --> YES!!!
90. Miracles → Have to see to believe
91. Love at first sight —> Yes
92. Heaven → No
93. Santa Clause – > No
94. God --> Yes
95. Kiss on the first date? → Yes
96. Angels --> No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No
99. Done something you regret? Yes
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? May be..

~V

I Think: The day of Valentines'

2009-02-11T20:44:00.000-08:00

Forget the story of St. Valentine, who had nothing to do with Love, Red & Pink color. I want to talk about the story of "Sour Grapes" which comes to my mind every year with Valentines. Reason is simple: many people thinks that Valentines is over-rated and I DON'T agree with them. These same people don't think that Mother's day is over-rated, because almost everyone has mother and it comes default in one's life.

I believe that those people, who don't have "Valentine" (read: partner) to go out with or enjoy the day with, feels the over rated part; but then I didn't have Valentine or a partner last year and I don't have one this year either. I still think that Valentines days’ commercial value is not over-rated. Okay, I am a flower designer, and it’s my season to make extra cash, but even when I wasn’t a designer, I like the Valentine ’s Day and its commercial value.

I like it when people show their love and affection to others. It is a nice feeling to be loved by someone special. I like it when it’s nicely decorated in stores, and new discounts and products are launched. I enjoy the love songs around me and I defiantly enjoy seeing my friends, who have partners, choosing what to do for their Valentine and/or what to buy. It is another way of showing love; it’s another expression. We love accepting gifts for weirdest reasons on the earth, why not give gifts for simple reason like love?

I agree that we don't need a special day to express our love but then we don't need Xmas and New Year either, isn't it? People will show their love any which ways, why to blame chocolate companies, flower companies etc? Why can't we just accept the beauty of the day and enjoy it?

I trust the thought: commercial value happens only after people start taking interest in that particular topic. There are many days which go by without any notice, because most of the world doesn’t enjoy living those days as special days. For some people, this day is full of fun; for some it is nothing. People like to save their precious moments, their precious gifts, even if they are small and cheap. It’s like weddings; why does one need to get married, if the commitment is in heart? People still do get married, even after one has less money. This is the way of showing commitment; they try to spend good amount on the wedding and try to make it as bigger as possible, so they can remember the special day forever. I think Valentine’s Day hold the same feelings, same fun, and same enjoyment.

For me this day is a beautiful day to express love, and if someone wants to spend fortune on this day, I have no objection.

I wish I was buying flowers for someone or choosing little moment for somebody, but I think its better not to think about it :))

Few moments for later!

~V

Obsession

2009-02-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

Do we choose to become obsessed with someone or we see them around us so much that we tend to become obsessed?

I need new meaning for obsession, positive new meanings.

I want to declare HER obsession with HIM...and I think she is just being herself, then why would HE judge HER anyways? Why cant she be herself and he himself?

What say? Ms. HER, I don't judge you, so feel free to be happy cos you have the right to be happy.

~V

What's Love Got to Do with It

2009-02-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

I saw "What's Love Got to Do with It" while sitting at work. Whoever have seen it, knows where I am coming from and where I am going to go...Few years back when I saw this movie, its impact was totally different. Today it was something else!

What love got to do with it? Nothing!!! It has nothing to do with it, love is a sacred feeling and it becomes too much for someone at times. Sometimes, it is just a hidden feeling inside!

On the other hand, Love is nothing but insecurity, and the emotional dependency, specially when you grow old with someone special in your life and/or when you get emotionally raised with one specific one. You tend to become emotionally dependent on him/her in these circumstances. This is another shade of love...

I did the same thing, she did the same thing. Love, yes this is why it was hard to leave him and when I left, it was hard to come out of it, emotionally and mentally. Now when I look back, I feel good about myself that I took the first step. Those times made me feel ashamed of myself for long time. Its not that I wasn't aware of truth around me, when I was there, I knew what was happening to me and I knew it was wrong, but it was hard to even accept it to yourself, forget accepting to others.

I hope someone doesn't live this as her destiny anymore. I hope that I am there for someone and I can help her come out of this emotional crap and mental trauma. I want to do this, I am passionate about it and I am sure I can do it - I will do it.

Amen!!!

VJ

P.S. Need to add more...will do so later, right now..these impulsive thoughts only.

"Love"

2009-01-31T23:22:00.000-08:00

Search Results:
Your search for LOVE did not return any matches.

The truth!!!

2009-01-31T09:04:00.000-08:00

"If my relationship with her doesn't workout, I would love to be with you"

"I am not looking for a relationship, but if relationship happens, I would want to live it"

Responsibility...

2009-01-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep last night, I just couldn't. Seriously, not even a minute of sleep and I am feeling fresh like a rose petal today. I am not trying to feel bad for myself or feel low for self here, but I want to understand the logic behind this weird feeling. What is it which keeps a person up and going for hours? May be anxiousness, Or may be dreams...

Last night, seriously, throughout, I was kept thinking about the responsibility I got on my head when someone told me that he/she likes me...Boy!!! Its a damn big responsibility on my head. It is a damn big image to save!

I think now I probably have to behave the way he/she like me to behave, but then I wonder why so? May be cos I don't want this person to not like me. Or may be I am worried that my real me (whatever that means) is unlike able. Or may be I want to shoo him away. Who knows - the anxiety is hard to handle.

Years ago,I was other kind of person, when I tried to please everyone...when I wanted everybody to like me...when I tried my best to love everyone I knew. This was possible but I think I wasn't at peace. This weird persona made me a strange human inside, because I was all of a sudden one personality in one group and another in some other group. I was the shine of my all friends parties and I was the one who used to be the life of group...but I know, I wasn't always truthful to myself, I wasn't always right. And if someone doesn't like me, I used to feel bad, anxieties used to kill me.... Only few years ago, I started working on not liking everyone and not to be liked by all.

Today I am a bit lost when this person tells me, "V, I really like you...I mean I don't know much about you, but as much as I know you...I like you!"

Phew!!!

Should I?

2009-01-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

He is probably 28 or 30 years old. Every time, I see him or I speak with him, he give me an impression as if life hasn't served him the way he wanted life to be there for him Or may be he is one of those fortunate people, who see the world in its different colors, shades and shapes .

He is a very cute and handsome guy, and may be smart too. Sometimes, I just feel like holding him in my arms and giving him a tight hug, the kind of hugs I got from my Papa, and while holding him tight, I feel like saying,"Everything will be alright, Trust thee...keep the faith, HE will help you get over the crap." But I can't even look into his eyes, cos I can't feel pity for him. I chose not to feel pity for anyone, but may be I still do.

I seriously wish I could hold him tight and stop feeling this emotion of maternity in me, and within my world! I wish I can accept the feel and the want to kiss him, and say,"everything will be alright...."

This sentiment of being the mother is still with in me, it is still helping me live with the emotion....which I aborted on Thursday, March 17, 1999.

....

2009-01-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

tik tik tik
shoot the clock
kill the time
tik tik tik
Stop it!!!
stop itttt!!!
the emptiness of room
the silence of the crowded emotions
tik tik tik
the ocean inside is brewing
the eye lids are holding it tight
tik tik tik
stop the time
shut off this clock
the crowd is pushing limits
the mind of heart cant bear the silence
tik tik tik
I am again feeling it
inside me
out side me
the life........
walking past by me
tik tik tik

Vim copyright 2009

The story of a story!

2009-01-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

Life is not a story from Desperate housewives show, it cant be; but we all want to live that life. We all want a life, which has some troubles, more happiness and at the end of each episode or each day,all the troubles get disappear like a morning mist.

Life is not a sad moment, but its for sure is full of MOMENT....its full of memories.

Life is the actual catharsis of many films, and films are few chosan moments from life.

This moment of my life, to those housewives, who have a life, even if they are not desperate to be one's wife...

Overwhelmed me...

Creator

2009-01-11T22:19:00.000-08:00

Uncanny me, but interesting we,

Unknown silence within us...

Unwanted touch of you on to my soul,

When you were never here in me...

When I felt you in my heart,

When I became...fun, but strange human

Who gave shapes to clouds

Who called names to creatures,

so to become the creator!!!

I created....

To find truth with in

To create images without you

in our soul for us!!!

Copyright © 2009 Vim

The Bells from Past!

2009-01-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

I am happy, I was strong. I am satisfied, I didn't feel fear. I am relaxed, I did thought of every single thing before I react on it.

Well, I met HIM last night, to discuss those so called papers, the same paper work, which says that two married people are not married any more. He was the same man, I married, same jerk, who hurt me whenever he chose to. And I was the same emotional fool, who still think that, I am in love with HIM.

Well as HE is what HE is, so he did get mad at me, and angry to the extend, where he hit the glass table with his fist & then threw the pen and paper - and to the level where he started calling me names. He always used to get mad, its not new for me, the new thing in new year was from my side. I didn't take his crap, didn't reacted to his anger and I didn't hide in a corner, hoping him not to notice me, and to bring that fist on my face.

Last night I was as emotional as I am, but at that point, I didn't cry seeing him going out of control, instead I hold my tears back and faced him, directly in to his eyes while my heart was pounding in my chest. I said, "calm down." HE is after all what HE is, so he didn't calm down, and I left - without a word, without a sound, without saying bye to cats, no warning and I was out of the door.

I cried for hours after that. I also cursed the day, I loved him more than myself; I called out; infect screamed out loud; all kind of names; while driving to unknown destination.

Few hours later, when I found myself at my apartment, I felt " I was home"
I called out to myself, "honey, I am home..."

The dream!

2008-12-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

Ways to go…

Before I touch the sky

Ways to go…

Before I hold you in my hands

Ways to go…

Before I step up there

Ways to go…

Before I find life

Before I get a chance

Before that moment is here

Inside me….Within me…

Ways to go

Before I fulfill you my dream!

Vim @ Taft house, LAYN Dec 15, 2008
Last day of semester...
Copyright © 2008 Vim

Marriage!

2008-12-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

Stare

Fear

Apprehension

Scare

Shame

Touch

Doubt

Hope

Faith

Every hit
Every Slap
Every step

I felt
Emotions

in same sequence
same way

every time
every rhythm...

This was THE marriage.

Copyright 2008 © Vim

The White Friday

2008-11-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

Today is Friday, November 21, 2008 and it is probably, a usual Friday for everyone and anyone, but it’s not that usual for me. I am going to sign my divorce papers so it gets file with the court on Monday. I know, I have been waiting for this day with hopes and with tears in my heart, but then I have no regrets, that this day is here. It had to come, so here it is. Today, it’s not black Friday, it has all shades in it, all colors are here, in equal amount, so it is a white Friday to me.

I wrote a lot in last year and half. I learn a lot with and without you. I managed my life, with my approach in last two years. From the day of moving to USA to today, life is not same anymore; my plans for life distorted, my ideas for being myself altered and I am a lot with peace and happiness. I, now have the power within me to live with relaxation and acceptance of personal self and acceptance of situations between you and me. I have more passion for living, much more drive to do a lot in life. I now have someone inside me, one happy and clear person, whom I lost somewhere, with you.

I am happy to be away from you. I am happy to have met you once in my life. I feel good that once you were my spouse. I am once again someone of my own in my life. I am able to accept for whatever you were to me; however you were with me and to yourself; yet I am thankful to you for encouraging me and my life. I do miss your intelligent existence in my life; although I am accepting life without you. I am optimistic for future. I am doing what is in my reach and I am able to manage, what I need, but I will never ever stop the search of better VIMMI in my life, the improved human within me, and the unsurpassed of my own hidden self.

Hopefully, you realize what you did to me and as I can just hope, so hoping that you never do this to anyone. I also hope that you move on in better life and towards better self, towards being the better human, not just the better filmmaker.

And yeah, thanks for breaking my many illusions, such as better actors are always better humans, better husbands are always nice people and the most important; to become a great filmmakers, one need to have better humanities.

Love to myself, hugs to you & self and hopes for both!

VJ
(A happy human, a peaceful divorcee)

Space

2008-11-11T02:26:00.000-08:00

The space between
you and I,
showed me the way...
the way to my own self
my own heart...

Today I have found,
myself
after long wait of
lost
and
found......

you were missed Vim.....

Copyright 2008 Vim

Spirit in to me..

2008-11-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

Lost in Horizon,
Your numb eyes...
I stared into them profoundly,
Found a picture of mine.

Lost in Horizon,
Your cherry lips...
I touched them,
Felt myself in it...

Lost in Horizon,
Your body - your skin...
I just looked at you,
You entered into my spirit…
Compound into my life.

Copyright 2008 Vim
At Taft house, LAYN.

UN-known!

2008-11-05T23:58:00.000-08:00

The quest of touching,
Your lips…

That eagerness of your hands,
on my waist…

Those half closed eyes
Looking for someone else...

That rush feeling inside,
to finish it off…

or to start
a new I in you...

the UN-touched,
touch of emotions..

that lost me who
did find you...

BUT....

It wasn't you,
It was a dead dream…

Waking up,
Taking shape,

Living UN-me
To fill nd kill the moment!
To be someone
UN-known!

Copyright 2008 Vim

Dedication

2008-11-03T23:24:00.000-08:00

I speak...I speak to self,
tells it to write,
Self refuses - Wants to stick,
to the old sites...
I question, question to self,
Asks - Why? Why not?
Self says - Life is harsh,
to the little ones - they get no right!
They have to sulk in,
and sleep alone and tight!

I am confused!
Asks 'him' - didn't I feel you in me,
inside - the other day?
Didn't I cry for you,
On that Thursday?
Didn't I pray before...
before I aborted you...
my little self.

Copyright 2008 Vim

I am Happy and High!

2008-11-02T21:34:00.001-08:00

I am happy, surprised and a bit high right now. I am learning English writing for writers now a days. I shared my few poems with my teacher Nancy Shifrrin, a poet and writer herself. This is what she wrote back to me:

I'm enjoying your poems immensely. Your feelings are deep and well-expressed. You really communicate. There are places where your images are especially strong and fresh, for example:

If I Die
"you will remember me forever/but only in albums/life will still run/like a roaring engine"

Story of a Girl
"People say she is a pill now/who cures others' sickness/she is a fruit now/ who fills others stomachs/and she is a tissue now/who wipes others'
tears"

Keep free-writing to develop strong concrete images which will illustrate your feelings and cause the reader to see things in new ways.
"Story of a Girl" is the strongest of these poems because the turn toward the end causes the reader to feel and think more deeply.

We want your unique poems to be supported by great skills.

Best, Nancy

Life without you.....

2008-10-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

Life is not same without you
in my life
life is not the way it was
in my life

its what should have been
years ago
years after
in my life

I love living......
without you
in my life..

Copyright © 2008 Vim

I love Living....

2008-10-06T00:15:00.002-07:00

Celebrate
a new day
a new life
a new face
a new self...

Celebrate
emotions
happiness
desperation
persistence
loneliness

Celebrate
touch
taste
feel
sight
smell

Celebrate
the world
the self
the smile
the cryings
Celebrate being yourself...
Celebrate being V....

Copyright©2008 Vim

Nameless...

2008-10-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

Emotions are nameless...
I see them, talk to them
I feel them, I hold them...
I call them...I ignore them
I cry for them...I want them

But still...I can’t live them
When I want to
I can’t see,
When I wish to
Emotions...oh Emotions
You are nameless...tameness
and for me
you are always there, but you are
time less...

Copyright © Vim

Bye to a friend!

2008-09-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

I met with Horizon today
Calm, Still and Quite
i asked - He is dead, and you are so calm, so serene?
How can you...???

Horizon said - I see, I feel, I touch
the world,
from world's end!

I see, I feel
what is gone
& How its done!

I see
many coming in,
more going away...

I learn,
I learn..
to live - forever...
with love I get,
with care I give...
I live in hearts for ever!
I hold the love inside me...to be serene!!!

Camy, You are missed - by many friends, Co-workers, neighbors and the most by your family...for whom you are and you were the world!

Copyright © Vim

Change!!!

2008-09-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

There was a time I wanted to run away from everyone in life...from parents, friends so I can just be on my own, work and work and work on my own and have a crazy fast paced life. Then time came when I wanted to be with one and all...I was lucky to be on my own in life and then with friends and family when I wanted to. From the day I stepped in to college in India, I have been working non stop. I worked and worked and worked...and yes I enjoyed working alot. I had the most fun in stressful moments, hard moments...to solve problems and to win over depression, sadness and failure. That was the time. Well, I used to refuse work sometimes & sometimes I used to curse people for giving so little of money for so big of a job...and theater!!! AH, those were the best days of my life. I had fun working as an actress and as director of plays. People used to come for my plays, to see me acting, to see my direction...then I got bored of everything.

I wanted a relationship, a love life and a family. I wanted to have someone, someone of my own...who I can call MY LOVE! I got relationship, love and a small family. I became dependent on my love, my relationship and the baggage of my dependency was too heavy for my love and his behavior was too much for my independent soul. The love, the relationship, the family, it all broke in to pieces and I was shattered. I found myself sitting on a footpath one day with no life, no motivation and no fun...I am still sitting here, on a strange road..waiting for the opportunity to come in front so I can grab it...although I know it well that opportunity don't go to people, people have to grab it. Lekin mujhe kabhi dikhti kyun nahin yeh opportunities in the country of golden opportunities? Worse is I dont enjoy any work, anything right now...be it reading, studying or even simple things like eating, cooking etc.

I have been going crazy to find solutions, and to find ways out. I am tired of looking for purpose of life, the motivation of living...the madness and boring life is the worse part. Right now, the path seems very blurry in front and it looks like I am not going on right path and worse is it seems same way, almost everyday, I feel depressed...tired of fighting with self, finances and emotions....I NEED to go back to see my family and friends so I can feel the need to live and feel the motivation...but I don't know what stops me here, what says don't go...what makes me stop!

Enough of crying! I want to just change one thing in my life....finances right now. I was never a materialist person but my experiences have taught me the need and love for money. The money can give me the life I am looking for right now. I know its so materialist, but hell ya!! what is not materialist now a days? If I have money I will have less time to think crap and if I have money I can take my own decisions...simple. End of story!

I write!

2008-09-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am in hurry so I will write about my proper topic, which is given by a friend...when I will comeback tonight...ooppss, ya I am going out tonight, not to club (wish I was going to club) but to a friends place to watch a movie, YES!!!! Hindi movie and some yummy food.

Ok let me write about clubs when I have started the topic myself!

I hated going to clubs in India, reason was simple...people stare at you for being what you are, they cant digest you wearing nice cloths and worse they use each chance to touch your body parts (any part possible) I remember going to clubs with few friends and then with HIM and it sucked big time.
I love clubs here. At least most of the clubs here are fun. Reason is again simple: Here sex education, as well as sex is available normally (I mean it, its truth) and that make guys behave normal not desperate and obnoxious. I know my friends will say that I have become American but then I want them to experience it. Once you experience this atmosphere you realize the difference.

I went to a club recently, and that sucked big time for me. That club was in west LA... when its west LA, it means it is around gay/lesbian area...(yeah area are pretty much define all over the world, we all are rational to each other) So in this club, called '11' there were tons of lesbians and gays and all were suckers. I love those people who are not too much in to public display of affection (PDA) They were making out in public and they were weird, annoying and seriously crazy. Or at least I felt so. I don't mind people choosing gay or lesbian as their sexual orientation but then don't behave weird and make out in public man!

I knew it was a Indian style party so I expected people with similar looks and faces as me, but I found weirdos :( there were many nic epeople too and music was kind of okay so it was not really crappy otherwise I would have left in few minutes... :))

Anyways, most of guys were hitting on me and my friend (well, decent way) and then tried to dance with us, but I wasn't ready to dance with anyone and everyone so I chose myself to dance with me and in club I danced alone, although many guys wanted to dance with me. I did simple thing, dance a step with them and then change body position and dance alone...it works :P

Anyways alot I have said and alot is going on right now!!! R is going to kill me if I am not ready in 5 minutes when she reach here. I am off here, talk to you guys later.

S. topic for today - Gays and lesbians...your theory about them and your views.

SA - you have to finish old one so go for that...

I will write my topic most probably tonight or two topics tomorrow. Leave me a topic.

Hugs and love

Lonely Soul!!

2008-09-05T18:46:00.001-07:00

Sometimes talking to strangers and statues is so easy...so fun and so relaxing!

I don't talk to statues, but if I call my laptop a statue then yes I do...all the time, all day and all night. And ya, my cellphone - as its a blackberry so I talk to the person on other side..not on other side on phone line but on other side of email, chat etc! I talk to them all day and all night. Sometimes I want to throw the phone, laptop and all I have and go in jungle, Himalayas or where ever and live connection less, connection free...in this world of communications! I want to talk to trees, statues and mirrors..ask all the hidden Qs and ask all the rotten moments! I want to do it!

oh well!!!

I once talked to few statues. I used to live close to academy award building and in their front yard, there are few statues of famous people. I know few of them and few of them are just names for me (there names are mentioned on the statues)

Long time back, HE behaved himself with me and I had to leave the place, and then I went to this academy award building. I sat there, cried for hours and asked many Qs to all the statues...but got no reply, I replied for them to myself. The decision was made but emotional power was missing. Those statues are like my friends now...as whenever I pass by them, I wave them a small Hi.

I am not a crazy person but a loner. A loner, who needs people to talk to, people to understand her and people who she can trust...I trust NO ONE, result I have friends which are either fake or friends for surface. The real friends of mine are so far that I am not sure if they are friends anymore...or they are loners like me!!!

V.

Focus - My new painting

2008-08-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

I came from flowers shop and excitedly made a painting in hardly few minutes...well, my hands still have color as I type here. After I finished it a bit...I called HIM and told him that I have made a painting and want to gift it to you... He asked me, 'why are you obsessed with me?" I didn't understand why would HE think he has something in him that I would like to be obsessed with him?

Well truly, I saw him today morning and I took his shirt to wear; I do have a lot of shirts from HIM, but it was one crazy action, which I didn't think about. After I came back home, I saw that shirt on my bed...I smelled it, it still has HIS smell in it...I felt weird and told myself to focus on myself and my life, and to stop thinking about HIM, so I started painting...and made my painting called 'FOCUS'.

I wanted to gift it to him cos he is the one who made me loose my focus and he is the one who is (virtually) making me focus on my life back again...I did loose five years but I am not as crazy and sad about it as I was before. I just wanted to share happiness and laughter and my creativity with him but....THIS IS WHAT LOVE MAKES YOU!

I am not the one who can shut creativity off and on, I guess I do need to learn the ways of so called elite and outside upper class world!

I am still happy and excited that I am painting....

The Qs - The As

2008-08-17T01:40:00.000-07:00

How easy it is to put someone down and hit, how easy it is to make some one feel low, so low that they loose their confidence, their ability to work and to think beyond a point, how easy it is to blame somebody...For the four and half years I was kept thinking that it was me who was wrong, it was me who provoked HIM so he hit me, put me down, insult me...but actually it was not me at all...it was someone else, the same person who did all those acts, those moves..it was HIM..and I was constantly harsh on myself for no reason. He ruined my beautiful moments, made me go through depressed life, sadness and weirdness of self, even after that I gave my life to him, my mind to him...if I did whatever was possible for me to do, to please him, to keep him happy...to keep us together but....

He said his childhood was fcuked up cos of the way his parents behaved with him and the way they raised him, but then why was I getting punished, why was I getting hitting, blames and garbage from you? Why? If I wasn't the one who ruined his childhood, then I should not get the results either, isn't it?

Today your same parents are blaming me for breaking off the marriage (yes the same one which had not even a moment of married hood in it) Those same parents are enjoying the life the way they want it, they get love and respect from you the way they want and you get all the showers of love, money and success from them and others...where is my share of happiness? where is my share of love? where is my share of money? where is my share of life? I got nothing but the tears, cos I married you? is this is the share, the half-half of marriage? If I have to take half debt and half Pays then I am eligible of half happiness, success too...isn't it?

I have told him today that if HE wont file the divorce papers in 3 days then I will file it...cos now am over it, I am done with you and your life....I know he is scared of laws, and of me speaking up for self but I have had it...and I have had HIM.

VJ

Ranting...Raving

2008-08-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

I was working on a video today and I was DP - Director of Photography. I was excited and happy to have the paying gig and on top of that with 2 of my favorite people in the world, Eric and HIM...but I guess I should stop working with these people from now on. They both love me and I love them a lot. I missed the feeling of being the independent one when I worked with HIM, its always been like this but I still work with him cos he knows what is he doing and why is he doing and I enjoy that professionalism in him and Eric is such a nice guy that he will not say a word unless and until something is really bothering him.

I am sad cos by working with my ex I gave the permission to let him treat me the way he used to treat me before I turned his ex. I know it clearly that he is the one who treat woman nice and who is a extremely sweet person when it comes to girls...specially sexy looking ones. If there was someone else but me was the DP then he would have been nice and sweet, but he wasn't...oh well.....gone is gone - learn from the lessons.

I enjoyed the day working on the skills I learned sometime back and getting paid for it. I was an actress and this is how I started my media life...I turned into the owner of a company called Fearless...I was great at that position cos I know how to be leader. I was a bad producer when it comes to doing tons of things on my own but in few months I learned tricks and shortcuts - by working on things and commercials. I became a wonderful person who knows her stuff. Slowly slowly I learned how to read and write a script. I became a writer for my own stuff...and then came the time to learn technical stuff and I learned a voice recording, camera and lighting...and a bit of editing too... The time came when I was proud to call myself "Film Maker" and yes I made small time shorts etc....but after moving to USA I couldn't find anything which can satisfy me...I became useless and free...it took me months to decide I don't want to be with the the guy who is my husband...and who is an ass. It took me long time to come to terms with working for cheap money and adjusting into that, then came the time when I started understanding my skills again and I bounced back...am still bouncing slowly slowly but I have tried and am on it....going on and on and on!!!

Need love and blessings from friends!!!

I guess am done ranting...raving!

VJ

Wondering Thoughts....

2008-07-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

I want to paint...
I want to paint,
unwanted, unknown, unnamed painting
painting which has no meaning
which need no relations
which has no feelings
which has no answers
which is my own
which is inside my self
which is my outer world

I want to paint that...

I want to put the colors
in the Midst of canvas
throw some brush strokes
feel some textures
smooth some lines
remember some faces..

I want to paint that...

I will paint,
my life..my pain, my happiness
I will paint
my imagination, my desires, my hopes
I will paint
my success, my failure, my satisfactions

I want to paint that...

I want to paint...
unnamed,unwanted, unknown painting of
my self.....

Copyright © Vim

My Faith - My Secret...

2008-07-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

I started believeing in this phrase same way I used to believe years back, same way I believed for years, for self and for others and I am proud that I still can have faith in me and in my little secret of love.

The little secret is :

"You don't destroy the one you love...!!!"

Happy to be loved once and happy to love the world...

VJ

Today...

2008-06-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

I grow
one day older
one day older, but
one year smarter

today I am,
one year smarter,
one year smarter, but
one century of self came in me...

today,
I am what I wanted to be

today, I am
free
happy
lonely
relax
and soulful,

without you in my life...

Copyright © Vim
June 16, 2008
mid-night

How & Why

2008-06-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

I was watching a short film on you tube...I was surprised to see how so many people just die or say commit suicide for pretty much no reasons, what so ever. I cant understand how they can be okay with not to see or feel the life, how is it even possible for someone to end the life, their own life. I do understand the hard time they must be going through and they probably are feeling the weirdest moments of life, probably when they are low or when time is not in their favor and probably they are living those moments when it seems like everything of life is harsh & against them, even then, still, how can someone just end their life?

There are many moments in my life have come and I face and feel that I am living for pretty much no reason, and then all of a sudden something inside me tells me that look at this life, this beautiful world, so many lovely things, places and many things which I have not seen or experienced, and then sometimes I just look for a reason OR sometimes someone close to me just gift me that reason...and I look at my life and find it so meaningful, so wonderful and so vulnerable.

I am surprised to know and see that its so easy for so many people to give up on life, their own life...are they not scared that when they will be dead, they are done...they cant come back...they cant see this world...there is nothing after you die...Gosh it scares the hell out of me that I will one day go away from this world and the world will keep running same way...but what scare me the most is someone killing their own self, own life, own dreams, own feelings...oh god!! bless those minds who r weak, bless those people who think life is nothing beyond today...bless those people my dear god....save them....give them power to rethink their decisions and help them to love their own selves and their precious life.

Well to be truthful, I have no idea for those reasons or harsh expressions where someone have to loose their life, but I do know that it is not what the ultimate power want you to do, otherwise you would not have got this life...otherwise you would have died in some geographical disaster...or something else...if you have to die you die naturally, not suicide. I don't believe in suicide and I am sure many of you also have no faith in this unnatural death....

Let it go...

2008-05-27T17:12:00.001-07:00

I never expected that letting o would be that hard. I have to learn more about it now, to let go...I see him online everyday and I cant buzz him cos we will sign the papers soon. Soon we will be no one in each others life from husband and wife...I don't know if it sucks or not but it does hurt, too deep it hurts. I am sure it will get healed one day but right now I cant take the pain of this bruise. Even if I know that there was only one option left. I know it very well that more than drugs, violence and ignorance I need and deserve more...still letting go is the hard part, that too letting go of marriage and husband - oh well this is what life is...

VJ
May 27, 2008
17:10

A Dream or A Truth?

2008-05-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I saw a dream two days back...Dream was weird and scary. This was mere a Dream and it was about the life after divorce;

One day he was mad at me and when I tried to stop him to get crazily angry, he pushed me and two days after he asked for sorry and took me onto some high freeway where it was all over the mountains and he wanted to have a quiet drive with me...and while driving he started the same talk again and when I argued my point he said I brought you here cos I am done with u but cant see u going with anyone, I don't want you to be someone else's girlfriend and I will not allow you to be someone else's person and then suddenly he took such a sharp turn and the Jeep went off the cliff and we both were in it...He in anger killed himself too when he just wanted to kill me only.........I saw myself getting killed.

And I was so scared...scared of him, his unpredicted behaviors and scared of your unpredicted reactions for me....and I woke up at 6.00 and couldn't sleep after that. I don't know how true this dream is in my life or will be, but I know for sure that he and his these kind of behaviors in past have brought me to the situations where I am so close to death and where I can see that this moment can become the very last moment of my life.

I am scared of him, and scared of his reactions and unnecessary behaviors. I lived my life for almost 4 years with this kind of fear in my head and heart and I refuse to live this life now on...I am moving on, I am moving along.

Dependency

2008-05-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

I miss you,
when I am happy
I am sad
I am busy
I am all alone
when I find a new thing
when I create
when I am curious
when I want to see the world
when I have money
when I am poor
when I am myself
and you are you
when life is beautiful
when life sucks

I miss you.......
I miss you at all parts of my life

but your one doubt,
one slap
one blame
one YOU
brings me back
to the same life
where I want to hate you
I want to kill you
I want to run away from you
I want to stay be away from you
where life sucks
where world breaks for me
where I am not I
and you are still YOU
then
I want to be more of myself
hard
harsh
& alone

Then starts the life of Missing you
when I am alone
when life sucks
when I hate the world
and when you are you...

and I am no more

I, me, mine and myself....

copyright © Vim
March 25th, 2008

Five years...of Togetherness and Separation

2008-05-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

I met this guy 5 years back...over the times things changed so much.....we saw so many changes in our life, personal and in each other. Changes which brought happiness and changes which meant sadness and finally a separation - of being with each other and of not becoming each other. I am most surprised thinking that 5 years is not too long of a time, its just 5 years...but at the same time it seems too long, when I am with him. Probably he has same feelings as my feelings, but truth is simple, no matter how much we love each other we do need more than LOVE to be with each other. I feel being someone who is not you is the hardest test a relationship can ever take. If you are successful in this test then you were able to kill your self and you were able to become someone who is not you, which means clearly that whatever a person in front is looking for has defiantly over powered you and you have lost your own self touch. I did felt that I have succeeded in that test and then I realized I want my own self more than anyone else's dreams getting fulfilled inside me. I started hating my own self and then came that time when I was able to say NO to that test, when I wanted to fail that test and when I became my own self...not there yet full fledged but I am on the way and its better than standing on different road and expecting and showing as if you are standing on other road.

Tiredness in life is not that big of thing. All do get tiredness and sadness and what not but truth is how many take charge of their own selves to go and walk on the road which belongs to you...ONLY YOU...

Think more and you might will realize I am correct and truth full...

Hugz to self..
VJ

Love is Harsh, Sex is Brutal...

2008-04-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

Love is harsh
Sex is brutal

I found patience in Love,
we sat and talked for hours.
I felt Romance with him,
we walked along the beach.
his touch was precious,
Holding hands gave me strength.
His emotions were vulnerable,
I was scared of loosing him.
his feelings were special,
he was my love...
we loved each other...

We kissed
felt each other
made love
with time
he was gone
I was all alone
I could not feel him any long
he wasn't there for me
I wasn't for him
I woke up alone in the morning
Body was calm,
but mind was unrested

I asked my mind
what should I choose now...

Mind and heart came
together...said calmly
if you make love
for sex
you die for sex
and you loose the rest

but if you make love
for love
you live
and you die
for love

cos sex is brutal
love is immortal
Love may is harsh but
Sex is brutal

© Vim

Desires

2008-04-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

Desire made me want him more
He listened to me and
kept me next to his chest,
holding me tight
I wanted to make love to him,
he holded me more tight
and loved me more
never to let go of me
I lost my patience
I kissed him
he kissed me back to assure
he is there..
I felt mad
he gave me peck on my cheek
then quietly he put me to sleep
& left..

I am now hoping he has left
to come back to me....
forever.

Vim

You & Only You....

2008-03-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

Loneliness
has started killing me
deep inside
I feel so left out
waiting for one thing or the other
&
still I am all alone...

Singing is still there,
but I have no listener
I still dance,
but no audience for me
There is a world within world
which is not mine anymore
I am not myself
its YOU
within me.

© Vim

Dated: Jan 10, 2008

Random

2008-02-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

I told myself Write, actually it relaxes me...but write about what? I dont want to write about what I am going through at this point of my life...reasons are tons but basic two reasons...I dont want to keep bragging about it and feel more bad about it and why to involve my blog in to it man....what for?

I am just so tired today that I am seriously off my head and body...I guess I should leave soon or I will feel worse soon. I am suppose to go to see Lunar Eclipse at Griffith park but I am so dead tired that I don't even feel like going any where...and sucks that I have no life if I have this job and if I don't have this job then life is not there any which way....

Well, I just need a new job and new life I guess....but who doesn't need a new life. I am sure almost every one in this world has some or the other problem....and they always dream about moving ot a new life which has may be less problems but relaxations and happiness....so does that mean we all have bad life and unhappy moments? Guess os......

I am off here....right now sleep in bus while going home sounds the best idea but only if I get the seat to sit.....

:D

No No No No I wont go to Rehab........

2008-02-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

I have been going to evening meetings in Rehab for outpatients at cri-help....with a very close friend of mine, who is unable to control drugs and anger in his own ways....as his body NEEDS it now(dunno how truth that is)

I met so many addicts in very first meeting...I felt worse when I found that they have taken help of Rehab many times and have gone back to the same situation, in a year or two or sometimes six years later...Situation goes more bad when you want to quit and your body doesn't let you.

I have been finding myself stuck at:

Why do anyone need to depend on "those" things in life?
Why cant some people get enough of life?
Why?
Why do they live deadly life and give that life to their loved ones too?

I feel sorry for myself as a close friend of mine is addict...may be we all do have friends who are addicts. I don't want to leave my friend in mid way cos I know he might will go back as soon as he will find himself alone and sad...AH!!! wish we had a possibility of switching on and off from bad things in life.

Wish!!!! We all could say No No No No I wont go to rehab, cos I am clean...cos I don't need it.

Who to blame?

2008-02-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a little kid, a beautiful looking boy, healthy built - 7 years of age, curious and creative with and about everything available around him. He is always busy watching, observing, analyzing each thing around him...A naturally happy & curious kid.

His family was pretty small, One Little brother, Mom & Dad. His parents were always busy to make both ends meet. They were new in Unites States, so they were trying their best for achieving some better quality & standard of life.

One day his father came from work, he was tired and hungry. His wife told him to go to the grocery store & buy few things so that she could cook dinner for them. His father took him to the grocery store.young. This Kid, lets call him 'S' just wore his jacket and shoes and went with his father who, didn't want to go to the store, but he had no option, his wife had alot to do, clean the kitchen, fed the little one and then cook dinner for family. So in cranky mood his father went to grocery store. He picked few things in rush rush, and went and stand in line to pay for stuff. He was just wishing for line to be small, but in reality he had 10 people in front of him & PHEW!!!! Where is S - Shoot...He was worried, scared & uncomfortable, He did not wanted someone to call 911 & put him to jail cos he was in rush.

He suddenly noticed S, he was by magazine stand, looking at some magazine. He yelled in his native language & told S to come to him right away. S was so involved in one car magazine, that he could not hear anything. S was curiously looking at car pictures, engine pictures, front of car, back of car...WOW!!! that was a different world all together...He was in his own little world, the world of machines, beautiful pictures and he felt something on his arm, it was his father's tight hand. He came back to life, by his father who was shaking his body and asking him something....S didn't payed attention.

Abruptly, he put that magazine back & almost running behind his father. he reached to his car. He fixed his seat belt and made himself comfortable, but all of a sudden this car felt different from inside than those cars in magazine. S was trying to understand why is it different, but his father was interrupting with some words, he had no idea about what his father was saying in the background....S gave few reactions like, hmm, yeah haa, hun....and went back to his thoughts.

When he reached home, the first thing he noticed was exterior of his father's car. He was lost in the different shapes of cars. While he was lost in cars, his father lost his patience and gave him a tight slap on his back, pulled him from ears and almost pushing him inside the house, he took S to basement and locked there for few hours without food or water and came every hour, slapped him more, yelled at him more and was kept asking, "so will you do it again, tell me, would you not listen to me now, hmmm....."

S had no idea, what was happening with him & why...he just wanted to see cars, nothing else. He was still lost in his car world - he could not match his curiosity with all these slaps, insults & yelling. He felt like crying but he purposely didn't cried this time, cos after he cry, his father feel sorry for him and let go of him and he knew this satisfy his father's heart. S wanted to hurt his father's feelings, he just wanted to hurt his dad so much that he kept holding his anger inside and kept taking hitting until he fell asleep in basement....while holding poison of anger inside him.....S lived those kind of many many moments...and became a old man with that poison growing each day inside him.

That kid was my husband. I wish I could change things in past.

Story of a girl

2008-02-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem somewhere without a thought, but now its bothering me as I cant complete it fully, if you think you can help me leave comment of changes you can do.....and will make sure I can change those portions:

I saw that girl
she was always
happy
laughing
enjoying
Living
cracking poor jokes

I was envious of her

She told me she is happy
She is flying in sky
she just have got married
She has found her real prince

I was happy for her

I saw her in market
she was looking sad
the moment she saw me she smiled
tried to show her happiness
all that was fake
but, She bought me a cake

I was surprised, wanted to say a word
but she went away like a bird

She was catching up a train
while her tears were over flowing
I saw her, it shocked me
I called for her name
She seemed pale
she didn't even looked back
I was standing alone on the rack

I was sad to see tears in her eyes

She went away somewhere
Don't even know where
for good or what
I missed her
her smile
her laughter
and poor jokes

She never came back
People says she is a pill now
who cure others sickness
She is a fruit now
who fill others stomach
and she is a tissue now
Who wipe others tears

I was speechless & sad
cos I lost her....

Next day she came in my dream
told me good you lost me
cos I go to those
who have pain & who cry
whose life sucks
& they think they can just
die...

Copyright © Vim

If I die........

2008-02-04T00:02:00.001-08:00

This poem is dedicated to my love of life, My husband...he knows why I am dedicating this to him, hope he like it:

if I die
I know you will cry
not fake not loud
but you will say
Thank you to God

if I die
I know you will cry
you will remember me for ever
but only in albums
life will still run
like a roaring engine.

I know you will shred some tears
and many of your fears
you will just pick
some of my cloths
and will develop new fears
while wiping old tears

I know you surely will cry
I will cry too
cos you let go of me
in the ocean of life
to save your life
and I let it go
to save your pride.

© Vim

You & I

2008-01-21T12:43:00.000-08:00

I found myself
Stuck
at a corner of this world
the world which belonged to us.

I moved a bit
His emotion broke in to pieces
I tried to collect them
Sharp edges cut my self

I made changes in life
He seems blurry in front of my eyes
I tried to clean the eyes
There were tears of blood.

I wanted to go out
He became baseless
I tried to hold him back
Found myself loosing the earth...

Dear,
you & I
are a bound
made for each other
Sacrifices, Adjustments and Repression is for me
freedom, Living & Enjoying is in your bag.
We share everything, cos
We are made for each other.

Copyright © Vim

Life & Me

2008-01-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

And life is moving
on & on
ahead of me & my world

I tried to catch it,
hold it tight in my hands
it just went out from small holes
as if it was a sand.

I tried to grab it,
saved it in bottle,
it flew away like a perfume.

I tried to push it in a box
it turned in to ash and
I am left with no life
No life
No life
No life...

Wish you were mine.

© Vim

I am Blessed with a cute Friend...

2008-01-09T16:07:00.001-08:00

I have made a new Friend....She is cute and Mom of 3...Lucky Debz...She love to express herself through words and write open poetry...She has written many couplets for me as well....I am putting some here.

A poem for Me, My Name:

One for you too VIMMI

V very pretty looking is she

I instant friend she can be

M making everyone around her happy

M merriment is her life

I is the natural real Vimmi

J just because you are so sweet and nice.

A nursery Rhyme on my name:

Little Miss Vimmi
Sat on her Bummy
thinking what to do

She then got up,
sat in her new car
and drove straight to the bar

At the bar she drank from a jar
an drove back home with damaged car!

© Debra

Is this a tolerance exam?

2008-01-07T15:27:00.000-08:00

After so many years I am feeling too, infect over angry, I feel like either breaking something or crying out loud...so loud that this world come to an end....I am tired of this now, cant repress it any longer....cant take it any more, I want to cry it out cos I cant hurt anyone....I hate myself for keep taking it for so long...why am I so weak? Why? Why have I become more weaker? What kind of emotional love is this?

I should have taken a step 4 years back it self...why I kept taking it. This is not adjustment, this is violence against my own self. I am done...I need to do something otherwise I will die inside fully. I still have life which is keeping me up. Do I really have a life? I want to die sometimes...sometimes it kills me that I am taking it, its attitude so much inside me....I wish I could die. I wish..........

A Poem for me by a Friend...

2008-01-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

A friend of Mine wrote a beautiful Poem for me....I cant help it, have to put it p here....Thanks Debz...Love you.

I made new friend
at the end of last year
I will keep this friendship
until death does us apart.

She is a lovely friend,
one with fun,frolic in all
that she says
she lives a carefree life
although being married
She loves her scotch
and her two pussy cats.

I am happy I made her my friend
and to her I dedicate these few lines.

Happy New Year friend and lets
keep the ball of friendship rolling
forever and ever!

© Debra

Why?

2007-12-28T13:33:00.000-08:00

why do we need sexual relationships?
Why do we need to have a physical need fulfilled?
Why do we girls are in to emotional sex and not just sex?
Why do we just give up if we are not happy with it?
Why human nature change its shape or way cos we are happy in physical relations?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

I want to know...I want to know cos its been long I am fighting back my emotions to ask this question, since probably when I was 20 years old...am more than 30 now so I need to know the reply...I need it...please explain me, guys/gurls...anyone...
Do you have answer to it?

What would you Choose?

2007-12-27T15:21:00.000-08:00

What makes us egoistic?
What is proud?
What is self respect?
Why do we get egoistic or proud?

I am a very self respective person, my self respect is very important to me and I like to keep myself in check of my self respect so it should not turn into proud or ego. I am a self made person and I have tried and applied different ideas on me and have become what I am today and whatever I have turned into I am proud of me. I am happy with my own self...I still need many changes but its going to take time, alot of time...cos again I have to start trying new things ;)

Ok, who am I? I am a female, who was born in India and now in US. I am professionally Producer and stylist and love acting(have degrees and certificates too) singing alone(am really a bad singer) Listening to Music(my choice is not everybody's flavor)
I love living(who doesn't) I love to write, and I love to chill out...I do get mad & angry once in a while but I have to take out the negativity too.

I am a very egoistic person when it comes to last word with my hubb, or when I cook something and I am not happy with it, but I wont show it...I will make sure everyone give me attention or like a baby I will loose interest from that place or event. I am a fun witty weird person, my all friends are very careful with their words cos I can easily make fun of them with their words....anyways....

Thats all about me...I want to know why do we become egoistic? Why do we turn in to over self respect? I need suggestions, feel free to email me, comment me or whatever....

V

The Love & Hate relationship...

2007-12-26T23:43:00.000-08:00

I saw him...after years of separation:
Felt as if...
as if its me,
Hidden me..
Lost me...
Inside me...
Outside me..
with me...
without me..

Wish I was a bit softer to him!!!
May be he would have been mine!!!
May be he would have changed!!!
Or may be I was more accepting!!!

Think of those sweet moments,
Not the sadness,
is it true that he could have been mine?

She says:

2007-12-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

Life is fun when I drink.....does this means I am drinking too much....or is it Christmas feel right now? Donno but since 3 days am drinking every night...its bad, very bad, very very bad......jeez!!! I should not drink today, but today is Xmas Eve...

I need to hold my over flowing emotions...

STOP WRITING DEARIE......

Ok I wont write for 3 hours.

1
2
3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Am feeling better. I need some wine.....do you have wine glasses?

(described the exact way my drunk friend told me to describe)

The Kiss N Perfect One

2007-12-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

A gazal - Honthon se choo lo tum
Mera geet amar kar do...

Once upon a time there was a girl, Crazy, Fun & Stupid. When she was teen, She used to think if someone will try to kiss her lips (mind it, only lips) it means he loves her(wow!!! that was easy) and if he will be able to kiss her means she loves him too (More easier)...She lived in this spirit, in this fantasy for few years. Then she finished her High school - expecting, that her perfect one will come one day, same way her friends got their perfect ones...she will meet her perfect one too...

She joined college, Life took a strange turn - her Sis got married, without any notice, any celebrations. It took her off the 'Love' feelings, she started hiding her 'kiss N perfect one' emotion inside her, from her. This hiding didn't helped her cos it made her cut herself from world, she could not find any specific reason - but may be she saw pain in her parents eyes, may be the concept of 'kiss N perfect one' was shredding, or may be she was just living each day at times...may be.

She gave herself a break and joined a Camp, cos that camps basics were basics of her life...kids & theater - her 2 favorite things in the world. She actually started enjoying it, Se met so many people, made so many friends - she was happy, once again. She was herself again, outgoing normal girl.

And she met 'Him' in that group. 'He' was a nice guy, he had tons of experience in her interests, he knew the inside-outsides of those destinations, she was choosing as her future. They became friends. They started talking, tons of topics, lot of words, each day, everyday...

And one day 'His' friend joined in...then it was a 3 people team, they worked together, ate together, discussed all most all topics of the world together. There was never ending topics & talks from any thing to everything of this world - talk of love, romance, fantasies and life was always the major topics, considering their age...it was normal. Everyone talked about their wishful love moments and romantic encounters etc etc

Few days passed by and one day 'His' friend offered her a ride to her home, she accepted, as they were friends now. He really took her for a ride, a drive and then suddenly stopped at remote area, for a cigarette...she argued and he shut her mouth with a kiss...she was confused, more than ever. It was 'His' friend, it was not 'Him'. "Whats going on?" she kept asking herself and got no reply...Confused night put a blanket on every feeling.

Next day she wanted to see some storm, some Halchal, some movement, something from Him and from herself...nothing happened...nothing at all. days passed by - All friends seem same, everything looked similar - 'He' was still there, his friend too. No comment, no questions no nothing about that evening. Camp wrapped up in few days. All left to their destinations. Every single kid loved her, her dedication, her work. She kept receiving tons of post cards & letters for whole year and year passed by so quietly.

Next year camp started again - she was asked again to join & she did joined. Again she met wonderful talents, kids and met 'Him'& his friend...A confusion, a stupid emotion tried to take over her for few seconds, but right away she felt mature, she handled it well.

One of the days in camp 'He' met her after the busy day's work, took her in the corner & asked her a question, "why did you kissed my friend?" Before she could say a word, he continued, "why not me too...why didn't you kissed me and only my friend?" She thought he is joking, but no...suddenly 'He' snatched her glasses, throw them on floor & pushed her to the wall...came over to her face, held her tight, so she could not move, and tried to kiss her...and she could see only nasty looks in his eyes, ugly face of 'Him'

She pulled her full power and kicked between his legs with her knee...he was not ready for this so he fell down and she ran away...far far away, where she could never see him or even his shadow ever again...

few years later, she read in local news paper that 'He' is been killed by his Friend, over some girl...and her revenge was taken care of...

(Based on few personal experience & few imaginations)

Babies are born with Silver Spoon

2007-11-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

"Babies come with silver spoon in their mouth" this was told to me by someone...just a day back. My reaction, really? Then why do babies beg on streets? Why do homeless babies are available in every single county of the world? WOW!!!!!! babies come with a silver spoon in their mouth.

Just a random thought, while trying to repress my emotions for a baby....

The Year 2007

2007-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

AHA!!!! New year is going to be here soon...lets see how was my 2007:

Like 32 previous years of my life, this year was wonderful too...I had new experiences and new fun moments and this time I was in New Country too, which has put its own spices into my life. One whole month is still in front of me, but it feels like time is running away...faster than Air and Light, so here is my 2007...

2007- A year, which is slipping away...slowly slowly, but at the same time running away too:

A wonderful year for me and my husband, another year to grow with myself. In the earlier months of 2007 Migration to US did felt a bit weird as I was alone & US didn't felt my own, but over the months these situations helped me understand myself. I Missed India, cried for it, wrote a lot about it and now getting over the crying part, not the missing & writing part though :)

On one level, it was a great feeling to have somethings and on another level that specific thing bothered me. I matured enough inside me more than outside in last one year that sometimes I wonder if I am the same girl, who was always bubbly and funny almost every second. I had lived some gracious moments and some embarrassed ones of my life in past but in last one year all those seems more useless, I have stopped wearing makeup and styling since almost 3 years but this year I was completely out of show offs of world. Well USA has alot to do in it...Anyways, I Made new friends here. Had Adventurous time together with Snehal. I should not have but still Consumed more alcohol than any other year. I Took the chance of traveling to wonderful new places in US, Enjoyed some new cultures, different foods and unknown languages. Explored some new places around here. Adopted two cats, Sultaan and Raeyna aka chutki, the most wonderful babies one can have.I cant live with out cats anymore. As any other person, I also turned a year older, still didn't felt bad about it, I gained some 35 pounds, but still did not felt too weird out. Found some Grey hair and thought of not coloring them ever. Found love and passion for life more than ever.
finally got the chance to solve some rotten issues and some black scars of life. I Took some more new risks and new responsibilities. On other note, Am still trying new career options and new business deals.

The biggest thing was I finalized a final goal to grow old with, old goals seems impractical & most of them I have achieved somewhere. As part of my new goal, I want to open a NGO and I have taken new step towards it. It makes me relax and happy. I always wanted to make Documentaries, so I did it...I made my Documentary about Defining America, its editing is yet not done, but slow and steady is me.
I finally took legal license for the first time in my life ( I used to drive illegally in India for years)
etc etc etc etc...........

Oh gosh!!!! too much happened in 2007 and its still going on n on... Well, over all personally and professionally wonderfully satisfying 2007.

Work From Home

2007-11-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

My boss gave me some new work, which is suppose to be confidential and I am not suppose to show to others so we finalsied that I will work from home for few days untill work is done and she will get the details by emails...I was very happy and relaxed cos I travel 3 hours to and from my work. I was relaxed to get payed 2 hours extra each day and no worry to get ready and go....I started working today(first day) form home. I started at 9 as usual (I use to start my travel at 9) and I will work untill 7 as usual but here I have cut down my traveling time...so I am working from home, which does seems weird cos I am lazying and working, am relaxing and working, am working similar percentage of work in 4 hours which I use to do in 3 hours, so my work is getting suffered a bit, but if I stop writing this blog, I might can concentrate on it more....back to work...from home.

Karma & Dharma

2007-11-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

What is Karma and what is Dharma?

For me Karma is doing right thing from heart, giving 100 percent & living the moment 100 percent...while doing my karma, I try to keep my mind calm and accepting to that specific thing you do...cos then I can give 100 percent. My karma is my daily acceptance of life, My acceptance towards humanity is my Karma and not hurting anyone is my Karma and not giving pain purposely to anyone is my Karma. To believe and to enjoy your faith is my karma.

Dharma is basically religion and My religion is believing in my own self, in my actions and in my love for myself & the power above me, who controls my emotions & let me control myself, and who take charge of me...this power could be anything...from elements to my fake believe or just a simple acceptance of someone. This power has nothing to do with Temples, Churches or Mosques or whatever. Having this power in me helps me do my Karma better so for me Karma is Dharma and Dharma is Karma.

I am writing this today cos I need to calm my mind to perform better and to keep myself inline with my Dharma and Karma...so here is my faith, probably a bit weird but truth from heart.

Life is somewhere all about Me, Myself and I.

Monotonous

2007-11-12T12:01:00.001-08:00

Life is boring when I am pressurised to live same moments and same days over and over again. I hate doing it, but what if I get payed to do the same? Well that is known as JOB, and I am doing one...I hate it and I love it and I am doing it over and over again...this is what life is all about..live happily or not but live for money, money which dont even stay in your hand for long but give you access to do what one pleases to do during weekends and during their relax hours...but is this life? Should we call it happy living? Probably not but what about living without money, being homeless...is that a life?

So what is better - adjust with monotonous life or adjust to homeless life?

Bells

2007-11-10T23:43:00.000-08:00

Chutki, my little one is waiting on one side of cloth tunnel so when Sultaan shows his face from other side she can just jump and hit him with her paws...she is becoming more naughtier and more cute baby...yes these are caties and I treat them as cats and as my babies as well...I want to be a Mommy soon, don't when it can happen cos its hard to start a new life in new country and then have a baby...I dont even have a licence to drive how can i think of baby (as if its the requirement to be Mom) I don't even have my own house or Condo (as if I will let baby sleep on road) I dont even have bank balance (as if I am going to feed my baby dollars) BUT this is how it is...I need to have a licence so I am free to be with my baby and my husband have no tensions of taking care of my baby (well he is yet not sure if he wants to have one or not) I need to have my own house or apartment so I am not worried of other people's property getting dirtier or ruined cos baby is allowed to do anything when he/she is in front of my eyes...I need to have bank balance cos if I will have money I can be full time Mom...BUT.......hate these questions and hate me to have wishes like normal girl...I am 32, yes I am old enough to have a baby of my own...I am allowed to cos I am married and I am adult so I can wish to give birth to one if I want...

BUT BIG QUESTION IS IS IT REALLY WHAT I WANT?
CAN I DO ALL BY MYSELF?

IF I COULD I WOULD.....

Mar Jana ya Marijuana?

2007-11-06T17:24:00.000-08:00

I found it on wikipedia(online encyclopedia) Snehal likes to Smoke Marijuana and I am totally against it, so I always keep doing research so he undertsand that how its bad for your health specially when you have quit and you slowly slowly start back on it....I wish I could show him and he could have given time ot read it.

Excerpts:

"marijuana is at the root of many mental disorders, including acute toxic psychosis, panic attacks (one of the very conditions it is being used experimentally to treat), flashbacks, delusions, depersonalization, hallucinations, paranoia, depression, and uncontrollable aggressiveness. Marijuana has long been known to trigger attacks of mental illness, such as bipolar (manic-depressive) psychosis and schizophrenia"

"In the short term, marijuana use impairs perception, judgment, thinking, memory, and learning; memory defects may persist six weeks after last use. Mental disorders connected with marijuana use merit their own category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV, published by the American Psychiatric Association. These include Cannabis Intoxication (consisting of impaired motor coordination, anxiety, impaired judgment, sensation of slowed time, social withdrawal, and often includes perceptual disturbances; Cannabis Intoxication Delirium (memory deficit, disorientation); Cannabis Induced Psychotic Disorder, Delusions; Cannabis Induced Psychotic Disorder, Hallucinations; and Cannabis Induced Anxiety Disorder.

In addition, marijuana use has many indirect effects on health. Its effect on coordination, perception, and judgment means that it causes a number of accidents, vehicular and otherwise."

"The main respiratory consequences of smoking marijuana regularly (one joint a day) are pulmonary infections and respiratory cancer, whose connection to marijuana use has been strongly suggested but not conclusively proven. The effects also include chronic bronchitis, impairment in the function of the smaller air passages, inflammation of the lung, the development of potentially pre-cancerous abnormalities in the bronchial lining and lungs, and, as discussed, a reduction in the capabilities of many defensive mechanisms within the lungs."

"The most potent argument against the use of marijuana to treat medical disorders is that marijuana may cause the acceleration or aggravation of the very disorders it is being used to treat.

Smoking marijuana regularly (a joint a day) can damage the cells in the bronchial passages which protect the body against inhaled microorganisms and decrease the ability of the immune cells in the lungs to fight off fungi, bacteria, and tumor cells. For patients with already weakened immune systems, this means an increase in the possibility of dangerous pulmonary infections, including pneumonia, which often proves fatal in AIDS patients.

Studies further suggest that marijuana is a general "immunosuppressant" whose degenerative influence extends beyond the respiratory system. Regular smoking has been shown to materially affect the overall ability of the smokerâ€™s body to defend itself against infection by weakening various natural immune mechanisms, including macrophages (a.k.a. "killer cells") and the all-important T-cells. Obviously, this suggests the conclusion, which is well-supported by scientific studies, that the use of marijuana as a medical therapy can and does have a very serious negative effect on patients with pre-existing immune deficits resulting from AIDS, organ transplantation, or cancer chemotherapy, the very conditions for which marijuana has most often been touted and suggested as a treatment. It has also been shown that marijuana use can accelerate the progression of HIV to full-blown AIDS and increase the occurrence of infections and Kaposis sarcoma. In addition, patients with weak immune systems will be even less able to defend themselves against the various respiratory cancers and conditions to which consistent marijuana use has been linked, and which are discussed briefly under "Respiratory Illnesses."

Is it Job or is it Home?

2007-11-06T16:44:00.001-08:00

Am feeling tired of this age group in me, bored of mental state and annoyed of this job. Actually all thia is about job but its paying...its paying my bills and its making me stay active. I hate 9 to 5 style job, and love to have something of my own...but its a new country, yes after 13 months its still new and it bother my life. I want some purpose and some happiness in my work, be it production, styling or anything. This job at veoh is no happinessa dn it sucks. I have noone to share my problems with and I have no one to keep me relaxed.

Situation at home is not evry happy and relaxed either and it sucks more than job. Atleast at work I am myself, quite and doing somthing which am required to do...but I dont even know what I do at home...'HE' is same as usual...hard human to please and stupid man to understand. I cant write more here about this...I cant.

I need to work and live, but now meanings of living are changing and almost gone from my hand.

I want to sit quietly and think about my own self which is more than impossible thing for me, atleast at this point of my life.

SUCKS

2007-10-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting for a job since the day I have arrived in America and I have tried where and what not to get a simple fucking job, I worked for free so that I can make connections and get some more work and I have worked on unwanted jobs, worked thru agencies and applied for many many jobs which sometimes don't even interest me, but result I was jobless, So I started making a documentary on my own, which did helped me calm down but again I need money to do lots of things and I need people to work for me and help me doing things as I don't know how to edit and write in so called proper way.
I have been trying to learn editing and guess what I am able to at least capture and choose the clips (yes, I never went to film school) I enrolled to learn editing in Adult community school and it is not costing me much either, but now I have got a offer for one month's gig. Its not paying great but not bad either. Now I cant attend community school cos its interrupting my job...weird for me thought do understand the basics of it. The funniest part is this that my job is for month or month and half and school is for month and half too. I don't want to drop anything out of these two, don't know what to do also, but guess this is what its all about.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

MY DOCUMENTARY TRAILER

2007-10-17T15:24:00.001-07:00

Hey friends, family, Enemies and Loved ones,

I finally have made a documentary which is very close to my heart and we are in post production. Do not forget to check Defining America and leave comments and rating. I need ya all right here right now!!!

LOVE NOW AND ALWAYS...
VJ

Martini

2007-10-17T15:23:00.002-07:00

I love Sour Apple Martini and I have always enjoyed, its smell and taste. And I hate washing dishes. One day I saw a dish soap with the smell of Sour Apple, I thought, may be this will help me washing dishes more often and I will be regular at washing dishes...I bought it and used it many times. I liked it actually.

Next time when I went to a bar and I order my favorite Martini, it smelled like my dishes!!!

I still am washing dishes and ordering black label instead cos no one will make a soap with the smell of Scotch.

VJ

My Links

2007-10-17T15:23:00.001-07:00

My work which was appreciated in past:

Times of India

The Tribune - Chandigarh

Tribune India

Indian Express

Chandigarh Tribune

VJ

Family

2007-10-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

My cats are so much fun and like any other cats they love to sit at the window and look outside, so whoever passes by my window makes sure to stop by and talk to them for a second.
I have a family in my neighborhoods that have a cute 2 years old daughter and she visits my house all the time to play with cats. One day she came with another girl, 2 or 3 years older than her and they played for sometime and left. Later that Day small girl's Mom told me that it’s her step daughter Kathy, who came to play with baby girl. I nodded and moved on...
Today that big girl, Kathy came and played with my cats and she brought over her family friend to my house...they both were playing with cats and talking to me. Kathy's friend was trying to explain me that how much she love cats and now she may wont be able to play or live with cat, because her father is moving to another house....the moment Kathy heard that her friend's father is buying a new house, she took her to corner and said....what are you saying...and immediately at that moment her friend looked at me, looked back at Kathy and said," NO, NO THEY ARE NOT SEPARATING, DON'T WORRY...BUT I AM SURE THEY WILL ALSO SEPARATE ONE DAY..."
It took me hours to get back to my life...they were just 5-6 years old girls and they have seen a life...A LIFE FULL OF NO-LIFE

VJ

2007-10-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am smart and dynamic personality, born in Punjab, India some 30 years back and have been living healthy and safely in the Media and Television Industry for 15 years. I know living is hard especially when you want yourself to work and live by your rules, when jobs are a problem and food is expensive...but again but...trying is the best part of living, isn't it?

Life:
I started my journey in theatre over 15 years ago by working as small characters for a theatre group my brother use to be involved with. I soon found that I love this art form. I start growing, living, eating, sleeping and feeling dramatic arts(read Acting). I joined a theatre group in college and my all teachers start getting uncomfortable with my attendance (I was attending rehearsals more than my classes). My other love, Oil Paintings(my major subject), still stirred some feelings inside so I finished my study and graduated with a major in Paintings (I don't paint anymore, don't even know why...) Then came the time to do something with life but maybe I was scared of working in the real world or I loved acting so much that I took up Post Graduation in Dramatic Arts and lived it to fullest for two years. After that I still wanted to know more I went off to NSD(National School Of Drama, New Delhi)It was hard to get a scholarship and admission but I did it! After three years of living life in hostel while doing all that I always wanted to do(acting, directing, producing, background work, art direction and what not) I finally came out to the real world where I had to struggle for my Identity...I'm still struggling and I guess I will keep struggling until I reach that point where I get to hold an OSCAR in my hand. When I reached Mumbai aka Bombay, on the west coast of India, I tried and cried for good work as an actress and I got it too. I worked and learned a lot about the Bollywood Industry for 4 years when I met a guy form Chicago and we seriously fell so badly in love that to get back to our life we needed to get married. We started a production company called FEARLESS PRODUCTIONS in Mumbai and did lot of television commercials, infomercials and print ads. On the side I worked as an Office Assistant to Producer to Director and sometimes actress too. It gave me satisfaction and a life of my own. Fearless is "The baby" for me and my Husband, Snehal Patel who is writer/ Director(myspace.com/snehalmp). We both needed some change in our monotonous life, a hunger to do better and have more money in our hands. It was Snehal's idea to move to USA and we came a few months back to Chicago first and L.A. later to achieve our dreams and grab what we want and what is ours. I am enjoying and having fun while being in USA and living life on my own rules...how about some info about you now...leave a mark and I will surely get back to you.

Who I'd like to meet:
Those people I have never met. Those humans who believe in hard work, love faith and humanity. Those film makers who have reached there before me. Those Writers who have better ideas than me. Those people who have potential to become my friends. Those Documentary Film Makers who have and been trying to change and aware our world. And last but not least, those friends whom I miss here in USA.

Books
My love for books came from my father who is ready to read anytime and love to get books as gifts. I started my readings with heavy novels written by Shankar and Bimal Mitra, both Indian(Bengali) writers and then I started reading poetry and fiction... basically I have read almost every book in Hindi language, written during 70s, 80s and 90s...I love Biographies(Gossip you know) Khushwant singh is one of my THE FAVORITE writter and now a days am reading Maximum city written by Suketu Mehta. I read in English and Hindi both languages so if you want to gift me any book, dont hasitate...I would love to get a new Fiction or Novel. Kite Runner is my favorite book these days. AND I love to read romance and suspance...so I seriously have read all Sidney Sheldon's and Many of Harliquiens...but thats for fun only...timepass